Do you think your dcs' behaviour is a result of your parenting?

[aliceelizaloves]

I have a toddler who until recently was a kind and gentle boy. However he has now started to push and hit other children, particularly those smaller than him, when they try to take a toy or get in his way at playgroup. I follow him around everywhere now to try and avoid it but a few times he has pushed another child before I could get him and the parents have understandably been angry and upset with both him and me. After an incident the other day I heard the mum say to her friend that her children would never behave like that and that it's all about the parenting. It made me feel like a rubbish parent and that it was my fault he behaved this way.

I now feel like I am being judged as a parent when my son misbehaves. I do always deal with it and he always says sorry but I feel like both of us are getting a reputation! My friend who's son used to bite told me that she had learnt not to feel ashamed or proud of herself when her son did something good or bad and I thought that was quite interesting.

So if you have a child who is very well behaved or very difficult do you think this is a direct result of you? Do you feel proud or disappointed in yourself?

I hope that makes sense. Just trying to work out what I feel about it myself!

I think older children, yes mostly, but not toddlers!

My DD is very sociable and will happily play with new children and most new adults but both me and her dad are pretty unsociable people so no idea where that came from. Someone once told us its because we're both quite laid back but I think its just who she is. If we had another they could be super shy.

I think there needs to be age appropriate consequences to all behaviour, good and bad which helps but kids are just learning the rules and if/when they do something bad it doesn't mean you are a bad parent.

What you're asking is nature vs nurture.

In reality they go hand in hand.

I heard the mum say to her friend that her children would never behave like that and that it's all about the parenting.

This parent is thick, take no notice. I thought everyone had heard of nature vs nurture? You can teach your child the rules of our society but at the end of the day, their personality is what is.

Interesting! And a complex question.

I have 2 DC - one is exceptionally well behaved and one less so, so it can’t all be down to parenting. However, I think parents do have to take a lot of responsibility for their children’s behaviour as we are the ones that model and shape their behaviour in the long run in the way we react to them (e.g. mine have never been allowed to run around in restaurants, or make personal comments about others’ appearance wifhout being pulled up on it, just as two examples).

So it’s a hard question to answer - and even harder when talking about toddlers! Keep doing what you’re doing and he will grow out it.

It’s a very complex issue but children’s behaviour is a reflection of their environment and the expectations placed on them. And also their nature in the context of that. When they are toddlers they are very much still in training so I wouldn’t worry too much but without a doubt some parents are better than others. Everyone is just too afraid to say it.

Some and some.
My eldest has a personality exactly like mine. He's very shy so I'm trying to encourage confidence.
My youngest isn't shy at all. Nothing to do with anything I've done.

Oh and you may well be an excellent parent, I can’t know.

The behaviour you are describing is pretty standard toddler behaviour though.
At this age, the key thing is how the parents respond.

so, toddler grabs a toy and hits, parents do tinkling laugh and say Oh isn't he a character.
Or, parent removes toy, says - No, hitting is not nice, and move toddler away and give toy back to other child.

All children misbehave in different ways at different ages, the good parents deal with it, bad parents don't

It’s important to factor in brain development. Toddlers do not have good impulse control. No amount of teaching them anything can change that.

My youngest was nuts as a toddler. Just crazy.
To answer your question I did feel shite as a parent felt it was my fault etc.
He’s grand now....ish

Op you do more than than many parents I have witnessed over the the years at soft play and toddler groups!

Don't worry your doing the right thing just make sure you carry through on threats eg.. Hit someone and we leave.. Do leave.

I'm a teacher of nearly 30 years. Yes, in a vast majority of cases children's behaviour is down to the parenting. Obviously not for ASN pupils, I've an ASD child myself...but a lot of low level behavioural issues/stunning lack of self awareness/entitled behaviour is a direct mirror image of the parent(s). I tell my probationers every year...you often meet the parent then then go "ah, so you're what's wrong with your child" and it's true in so many cases. Not trying to make myself out as a perfect parent either here - I'm very anxious and so are 2 out of 3 of my dcs although I thought I was hiding it so well

I think nurture plays a role, but nature is also a very big part. I definitely don't think all behaviour is down to parenting.

I say this as the parent of a teenager who has always been a model of good behaviour. It's not down to anything I have done, I firmly believe that that's just how she is.

Yes to an extent. Toddlers can be difficult and show behaviours they haven’t been taught but how you deal with it as a parent IS important and DOES affect their future behaviour.
Speak to your child about playing nicely and being kind when you arrive at Playgroups. Explain what he can do if another child comes to take a toy (he can use his words and say “not your turn”- but I’d also explain the toys are for sharing and he can play for a while and then share the toy) and tell him the consequences- if he cannot play nicely and be kind he will need to sit by you or go home or whatever. Don’t threaten what you won’t do- so if you like a cuppa andchat there don’t say you’ll leave- just say he will need to come next to you and sit for a while until he can be kind (which may include saying sorry etc)

So yes we as parents ARE responsible for our children’s behaviours but they are only little and will behave in ways we don’t want them to- so we have to shape them. Gently!

There are plenty of nice, normal, law abiding and even successful people who were terrors as toddlers.

It's very easy to be smug and blame the parents when your child is naturally easy and well behaved

I did so till age 4 probably... then I got a clue and have faced being the naughty kids mother.

Karma will bite her

Thank you for the replies. Yes I suppose it is about nature vs nurture really. I have been feeling like a terrible parent because of his behaviour, everyone I speak to says it's normal behaviour but it does seem worse than other toddlers I see and that mum's comment made me wonder whether others saw it as my fault. My friend's comment was interesting as her son is now lovely, very bright and sweet, and she said she didn't feel proud of herself for that in the same way she didn't feel it was her fault when he was biting.

Toddlers learn what to do and what not to do by trying everything.thats why they are all a bit feral. They are trying all their different behaviours. It's only by managing them that they will learn what to do and what not to do.

Great advice Isadora, thanks. I will try that.

I agree it's nature vs nurture. All kids, especially toddlers, push the boundaries. It's setting those boundaries and enforcing them consistently but kindly, that is the key, I think.
It will always be two steps forward, one step back though. Just when you think you've cracked one thing, they'll discover another boundary to push.
I used to count to three and they knew there would be a consequence if I got to three, which I always, always carried out. The trick is to not say in advance what the consequence is, so they can't choose whether the bad behavior is worth it or not.

Yes - the good and the bad! Although they all have aspects of their behaviour and personalities that i have no idea where it comes from.

Don't compare him to other children. My first dd was an angel, could easily forget i had her, until she was 3. More so cheeky but then she would lash out at other children at nursery. Lasted until she started reception. She's 8 now and completely different.

My second dd who is now 3 has been going through terrible two's for a while now.

They all have different personalities. As long as your dealing with it it's fine. They go through different phases in life. Certainly doesn't make you a bad parent

I think this is interesting too.

I have a 5 year old stepson. He's an only child on his mums side.

I've been in his life since he was 18 months old.

As a toddler he was what you describe with your son. Lovely and then turned to hitting etc (I think the majority of toddlers go through this phase) however I think once they reach this stage that's when you need to start being firmer. Don't do it and then you will continue to have problems.

It's in no way down to bad parenting, I think it's a stage. When it starts then you need to get in top of it and control it.

Unfortunately dh and the ex haven't done this with their son and it's been frustrating for me to watch as their is a lot of problems now at 5.

Seen as I'm sort of on the outside (I do love dss very much but I can't parent him as I'm not his biological parent and it's not up to me) i have just had to sit back and watch him get away with murder and becoming more and more naughty because he has no discipline on either side.

My advice is if he starts hitting etc sort it out in your own way so he knows it is wrong.

But the fact he has started this isn't down to bad parenting.

The more children you have and the longer you are a parent the more you realise how much impact nature has.

I think at the bottom end of parenting then yes, inadequate or abusive parenting has long term negative impacts on a child. But if we are talking about good enough parenting where you care for your child, keeping them loved and fed and clean and safe and warm then you will be doing OK.

Parents all parent differently and have different boundaries for noise and behaviour but I've seen enough small devil children turn into nice MC teenagers/young adults to think that the scourge of the softplay, the precious spoilt toddler with apparently no boundaries is a nuisance as a child but doesn't necessarily grow up into a disfunctional adult.

Having said all that you are establishing reasonable boundaries with your toddler and him pushing them is just a stage so basically the other mum is being a bitch.