Do you think your dcs' behaviour is a result of your parenting?

[aliceelizaloves]

I have a toddler who until recently was a kind and gentle boy. However he has now started to push and hit other children, particularly those smaller than him, when they try to take a toy or get in his way at playgroup. I follow him around everywhere now to try and avoid it but a few times he has pushed another child before I could get him and the parents have understandably been angry and upset with both him and me. After an incident the other day I heard the mum say to her friend that her children would never behave like that and that it's all about the parenting. It made me feel like a rubbish parent and that it was my fault he behaved this way.

I now feel like I am being judged as a parent when my son misbehaves. I do always deal with it and he always says sorry but I feel like both of us are getting a reputation! My friend who's son used to bite told me that she had learnt not to feel ashamed or proud of herself when her son did something good or bad and I thought that was quite interesting.

So if you have a child who is very well behaved or very difficult do you think this is a direct result of you? Do you feel proud or disappointed in yourself?

I hope that makes sense. Just trying to work out what I feel about it myself!

I think the older they get the more their behaviour reflects your parenting (though still at least 50% nature even then)

But for toddlers it’s more like 10% nurture 90% nature.

Completely agree with Isadora’s advice. Tell him what he should do in the event of a conflict (words, then tell a grown up if words don’t work) and what he shouldn’t do (hit, kick, bite etc).

As people have said, it’s nature versus nurture.

Your toddler is going through a stage which while not universal to all toddlers isn’t unusual either, so nature. The nurture bit is how you’re dealing with it. Some parents would laugh it off, “boys will be boys” and so on, while you’re doing everything you can to stop him snatching and hitting, this will pay off in the long run.

I will never forget the day (15 years ago) a mum came up to my friend at toddler playgroup and apologised to her for (months earlier), having a go about friends child shoving hers.

She apologised with ‘we just weren’t there yet’. Total respect for her.

Toddlers and young children are all about themselves and are starting to learn that others matter too. This is how they do it. You are recognising the behaviour and now you can teach them.

Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t over think it, just do your best.

It's partly personality and partly parenting. But toddlers can be a law unto themselves.

I know someone who was very loudly disapproving of me back in the days when I had a toddler and she had a newborn. She always looks a little shamefaced when she sees me now .

Interesting question. I have two dc. One I would describe as the perfect child. She does well at school. Never in trouble, teachers absolutely love her. She does as she's told, tidies up after herself and is generally such a good girl. Major fussy eater though.

On the other hand her brother who is less than 2 years younger is a little horror. Constantly in trouble at school. Hits other kids, refuses to do as he's told. Will not tidy up after himself. Is generally a bit of a nightmare! Will eat anything though!

Obviously I love them equally but they've been brought up exactly the same and there is such a small age gap between them but they are SO different!

Behaviour is definitely linked to parenting. The toddler stage is where they learn right from wrong so is a little more flexible but after that it's how they have been parented.

That mum was being naive, especially if that was her only child and she is only 2 years into parenting. You can model good behaviour and address issues, but toddlers go through stages and they are different from each other. Nature will play a part but as children get older you can still set out expectations of how you want your child to behave and address undesirable things like selfishness, physical violence, rude language etc

My dh as a teacher of teens for years says undesirable behaviour in his students (laziness, attitude, entitledness) is usually exhibited by the parents too.

there's a family in my area, they're really nice, parents have good jobs (teacher and a nurse) they have 2 dc, one is away to uni studying law , the other is always in trouble with the police (recently robbed and stabbed someone, thankfully not fatal) both dc have had the same upbringing/opportunities, sometimes it's not the parents fault.
the other mum was being ridiculous, alot of little kids go throuh hitting/pushing/biting stages, as lon as prents deal with it appropriately it wont/souldnt last long, just part if they're development.

It’s a common problem as kids mature at different rates. I feel your pain, my DC was like this for a while and I felt judged. In the end I just minimised the number of activities we went to and how long we spent there. It was a phase he grew out of and is now a well adjusted teenager.

Obviously nature and nurture both play their part, but I don’t think you can say a rough toddler is inherently bad!!!

Yes and no.
Mine are mostly teens & if anything, they reflect my influence least of all now.

I raised DC to think for themselves... so they do. They make decisions I'm not crazy about. Which part is my fault? That they aren't clones or sheep & have diverse values & priorities & act accordingly?

As small ones, DC1-2 had great emotional control & always complimented for being polite & mature. DC3* had very poor self-control and in constant trouble, pointedly ostracised by parents & other children in primary school. DC4 was dead calm until he absolutely exploded & earnt many labels from primary school. I didn't teach any of them to be like that.

*Teen DC3's school reports are now full of comments about how mature & polite he is. WTF. I did nothing different.

I think it's a huge mix of parenting, nature, peers and luck. Things like mental health also play a huge part, even if we're not yet aware of a particular condition our DCs may be leaning towards.

DS13 is an emotional wreck at times; today he's tired and mardy so is being a bit of a knobber. I can hand on heart say that's not my parenting, he's just having a rough day. I've always gone with the thought that I focus on the 'big' stuff and let the smaller stuff go; so manners and kindness I'm hot on. Silliness and daftness, I can let go.

DS8 is a huge amount of our parenting at the moment. He's not pushing our boundaries or testing our limits the way DS13 does, simply because he's not reached that point. I'm certain he will do, though, once he hits puberty.

DS8 had a phase before he began school where he'd hit and smack other DC at a playgroup we attended. It wasn't pleasant or enjoyable, but we rode it out, I dealt with it calmly and consistently and eventually he outgrew it and at 8 is the gentlest boy imaginable. So long as you keep teaching him it's not ok, he'll get through it and your reputation won't take a battering. It's when you don't deal with it at all that other parents judge you.