Is it better to have the conversation now or later?

[hamtoastiesandpickledeggs]

NC but been a poster for years!

Fully open to opinions here as I've no idea what's for the best!

Due first baby soon. Huge backstory but never got on with PILs and things took a huge nose dive after our wedding with mil telling dh not to marry me, that she didn't like me etc. This caused dh to back me up and she said she would apologise for some of her behaviour. I posted at the time and was told to go nc. We have been very low contact as they live 4 hours away and I didn't want dh to have to cut them off completely. He always has my back but is very laid back and likes the easy road! He is also adamant they are his parents and so he loves them no matter some of the crap they pull. He does not have a good relationship with them either (sees them maybe once every 4/5 months and emails his dad maybe once a fortnight).

Anyway! Pils have been very excited for baby. Contacting me regularly for baby updates, talking about buying things for etc. All very nice but completely a u turn from previous contact frequency.

MIL also constantly refers to baby as 'our beloved grandchild' which I find annoying but I am trying to ignore as I know my hormones aren't helping.

Pils have also asked us to have baby in their home area (we are England they are Scotland) so they can be at the hospital for the birth. My dm is coming to the birth to support me as I want her and she is a midwife so I'm hoping will be a good advocate for me during my labour. Mil is not happy with this but has bitten her tongue so far (I only know as she made a comment to dh).

I am concerned we are going to have issues after the birth. From what pils have said they clearly expect to be very involved. They have been down to see us once this year, but they have made comments that have made me aware they think they will be visiting a lot when baby is born.

At first I saw baby as a way for us to repair some of the relationships we all have but now I am starting to feel smothered. I need things to go in literal baby steps and at our pace. MIL especially has said some awful things about me but now it's as if I am meant to forget all this as baby is coming.

My Aibu is this. I think we need to make it clear what our intentions are for the birth etc and after. Otherwise pils will have expectations that will fall at the first hurdle. Dh thinks we should wait and take things as they come.

An example is that pil are expecting to come see baby as soon as he/she is born. Dh and I have decided to have a few days then invite people. This is partially due to the distance we live from family and also to give us a chance to have some time with our new baby before everyone comes. I'm aware this isn't always a popular idea on here but I just want some time to recover before people come (if they've travelled 5 hours they will want to stay longer than an hour). I think we need to casually mention this idea in passing to pil so they know what our intentions are.

Is this a bad idea? Will it cause issues before there needs to be any? I would like the easiest solution as I don't want to have drama I'm just aware we all have very different views of involvement with baby.

I know that's long already but I should say I've had very frank chats with my own family (very close) and they have said they'll come after a few days and stay in a hotel. That way they can pop in for an hour or so then do their own thing the rest of the time (we live near a huge tourist attraction so plenty to do!)

Tell dh to tell pil he will book them a hotel for a week after birth so everyone will be comfy - heads off a load of issues

Even better he can say your family are staying in a hotel etc. Get him to send.his dad an email

I would tell them now so they don't try making any plans. Set clear boundaries from the start

I know they have been awful to you, but that doesn't mean they won't make brilliant grandparents. You don't have to try and forget or forgive and still keep your wits about you, but they may surprise you.

@Allthewaves I think pils are expecting to come immediately after the birth (ie we will text them when I go into labour and they'll set off). I have asked dh to kind of mention the hotel thing but he said let's just not text them and see how it goes. I'm worried this will cause more issues. I agree he would be better saying something like here are some hotels that are close by so you can book for after baby comes. The problem is you can bet the little menace doesn't come on schedule ! 🙈

@Bambamber yes they may be and that's why I'm trying to maintain some form of relationship and hopefully it will grow from there. They really struggle with boundaries and that is my concern. Mil has already planned to take baby away on an annual trip they do. I don't even think she is planning on having me or dh come too!

I'm struggling with going from zero to a hundred and the fact we appear to be rewriting history as if we are a really close family. They expect to be told about everything to do with the pregnancy and to be able to give me lots of advice (silly stuff like being told not to do things etc) when I don't have that relationship with them at all. I feel very much like a womb on a stick 🙈 but this is all hormones too so I'm trying to keep perspective!

I'm hoping they respect our boundaries and we can have a decent relationship going forward.

They want you to travel to them to give birth near them for their convenience? What planet are they on?

@Islands81 I wish that was the most illogical thing they've said this pregnancy 🙄 they also shared my scan photo in their round robin at Christmas. I was not best pleased!

Wow. I’d do everything I could to keep them at arm’s length. Mil was pretty clear she does not like you, but now you’re a vessel for her grandchild she’s being all nicey nicey. I’d be cordial but cool with her. And that’s more than she deserves. Thank fuck she lives far away.

Definitely tell them now! You don't want them turning up on your doorstep expecting to stay.

I'd also have a chat with him about other things. For instance, you won't be hosting when they visit. He can make food/drinks and entertain them. You'll have just given birth. And make sure you're on the same page with things like feeding the baby. MIL kept offering to feed DD when I was attempting to get breastfeeding sorted. Luckily I'd talked to DP beforehand and he had told her no whenever she asked.

@Islands81 yes we have been cool and polite for the last 4-5 years and it's worked. We see them when we visit every 4-5 months (dh sister also lives in the area) and they come once a year max when I invite them. I used to put in a lot more effort until posters on here pointed out I was being a mug and would never be accepted.

Now suddenly it's like we are all best friends! I'm not saying I want to continue as it was before baby but I feel like the gradual increasing of contact has to be done at a pace everyone is comfortable with!

let's just not text them and see how it goes

This is really sensible. Just text them when you are ready to have visitors. Tell them that is what you will do. Tell them they will be in a hotel, as will your parents. If they are not OK with that then back to minimal contact.

As for taking your DC away on holiday, you will have to see how you feel about that when the time comes. It's not compulsory. My in-laws were desperate for DD to go and stay with them all the time (they were begging us not to be 'over-protective parents' before she was born) but a) she was breastfed and I did not want her to go when she was v small (at least an hour and a half's drive away) and b) once she could talk and was no longer breastfed, she didn't want to go. So she's never been and has no desire to, even now she is much older. Luckily DH's sister has had babies since then. They stay over at my in-law's at least three nights a week (even Christmas Eve and Christmas night!!), go on holiday with them all the time and it seems like that has fulfilled their desire to relive their parenting years. I wouldn't want to have that kind of arrangement for my child but it seems to suit all of them and has taken the pressure off me.

You should do whatever suits you. If they don't like it, that is really their problem. If they want a relationship with their grandchild, they need to be respectful of the grandchild's parents' wishes.

@Owwlie I am trying but dh is so keen not to rock the boat. He is adamant things will stay at our pace and is ignoring that pil don't think that!

I'm planning on bf (expressing some so dh can help with nights). We are keeping this to ourselves so we don't have people pestering to feed baby!

@Epanoui glad your ILs have relaxed on you a bit! The not being protective thing rings so clearly with me as mil has made similar comments! Annoying isn't it! You're not being over protective just trying to do stars best!! I've been told to listen to my elders as they know what is best and people my age (29!!) often think they know when they don't 🙄

Do not sacrifice your baby up as a plaster for a relationship with them. Holiday with your baby? Birth in their town?

Where is what's best for you /dc in their off their heads thinking?
Tell them you have delivered when you get home from your chosen hospital!!
Suggest a hotel /air B&B they can stay in.
Boundaries before effort, tiny steps - if any imo.
They sound bloody awful.

@Aprilshowerswontbelong oh I won't. I'll be sticking with what I think I right I just hoped it would lead to a better understanding of each other although so far it looks like it could get worse.

Okay so no texts until after birth and then firm with the hotel! 😊😊 lets see what crops up next 🤦🏻‍♀️

Don't tell then when you go into labour

And not just for pil but everyone practice your "That's nice"with an acknowledging nod but in your head ignoring all advice given.

Also let dh deal with texts etc or the pressure will be on you for updates and streams of photos. Let dh take the major strain of any relationship - he knows /will get less criticism if its not going their way. You will be recovering from childbirth remember!

@Imalittleelf that really made me laugh for some reason! I have totally perfected the smiling while completely glazed over looking like a maniac so now I just need the 'that's nice' nod!

I think a hotel is the best idea but I don't get why they need to wait longer than your mum to see baby as they have exactly the same relationship as she does. Hopefully the baby will help you mend some fences.

@lazyarse123 i assume because there's a closer relationship between op and her mother than DH and his with the history. Also, op may well want her mum after giving birth.

it's sounds like your husband is on board for the most part op, just make sure he'll advocate for you once delivered rather than fear rocking the boat, he needs to protect you and the baby from upset.

Can't believe they expected you to o to them to give birth, what on earth was your reaction?!

Ah MILs after a grandchild is born is a whole new challenge 🙈

Lovely but overwhelming

Definitely be firm but polite and do it your way!

@lazyarse123 just because my mum is coming to support me in giving birth (she will go home after and come back with my dad and siblings in a few days). We have had a rough time getting pregnant and tbh I'm terrified to give birth so having my mum who I'm very close to and who is a midwife puts me at ease a bit. She's very practical and won't allow me to panic! 😂 also I guess because ILs have acted terribly towards me and dh so I have basically no relationship with them and therefore don't want to see them at the hospital when I have catheter etc in situ! Yes they have the same blood link as my parents but they do not have the same relationship (dh would openly admit he is closer to my parents than his own)

@meow1989 thank you :-) yes I am confident dh will be good at sticking up to me when the time comes :-) I didn't react to the hospital thing...it was said in an email to dh and he just dismissed it. I try not to comment on them to dh too much as they are his parents and I like him to come to his own conclusions about their bizarreness!

Good advice already given but don’t tell them when you go into labour.
I’m close to my parents and PILs and they got a call to tell them they had a new grandchild when I was good and ready for it.

The planning to taking DC on their annual trip thing is nuts. They sound like my parents, who saw becoming a grandparent as basically having another child and got very carried away before DD was even born. They seemed to forget that the baby had its own parents. It took about a year of quite frosty visits for them to realise things wouldn't be how they expected but it got easier. I found it was easier to explain once why I was doing things a certain way and then just repeating 'I've already explained this' and changing topic when they try again.

I found with DP that he really didn't expect his parents to react like they did about some things (whereas I saw it coming) so he didn't feel the need to deal with it first. But when they acted crazy he was great stepping up and dealing with them. Hopefully they'll take it well and your DH won't have anything to deal with though!