Is it better to have the conversation now or later?

[hamtoastiesandpickledeggs]

NC but been a poster for years!

Fully open to opinions here as I've no idea what's for the best!

Due first baby soon. Huge backstory but never got on with PILs and things took a huge nose dive after our wedding with mil telling dh not to marry me, that she didn't like me etc. This caused dh to back me up and she said she would apologise for some of her behaviour. I posted at the time and was told to go nc. We have been very low contact as they live 4 hours away and I didn't want dh to have to cut them off completely. He always has my back but is very laid back and likes the easy road! He is also adamant they are his parents and so he loves them no matter some of the crap they pull. He does not have a good relationship with them either (sees them maybe once every 4/5 months and emails his dad maybe once a fortnight).

Anyway! Pils have been very excited for baby. Contacting me regularly for baby updates, talking about buying things for etc. All very nice but completely a u turn from previous contact frequency.

MIL also constantly refers to baby as 'our beloved grandchild' which I find annoying but I am trying to ignore as I know my hormones aren't helping.

Pils have also asked us to have baby in their home area (we are England they are Scotland) so they can be at the hospital for the birth. My dm is coming to the birth to support me as I want her and she is a midwife so I'm hoping will be a good advocate for me during my labour. Mil is not happy with this but has bitten her tongue so far (I only know as she made a comment to dh).

I am concerned we are going to have issues after the birth. From what pils have said they clearly expect to be very involved. They have been down to see us once this year, but they have made comments that have made me aware they think they will be visiting a lot when baby is born.

At first I saw baby as a way for us to repair some of the relationships we all have but now I am starting to feel smothered. I need things to go in literal baby steps and at our pace. MIL especially has said some awful things about me but now it's as if I am meant to forget all this as baby is coming.

My Aibu is this. I think we need to make it clear what our intentions are for the birth etc and after. Otherwise pils will have expectations that will fall at the first hurdle. Dh thinks we should wait and take things as they come.

An example is that pil are expecting to come see baby as soon as he/she is born. Dh and I have decided to have a few days then invite people. This is partially due to the distance we live from family and also to give us a chance to have some time with our new baby before everyone comes. I'm aware this isn't always a popular idea on here but I just want some time to recover before people come (if they've travelled 5 hours they will want to stay longer than an hour). I think we need to casually mention this idea in passing to pil so they know what our intentions are.

Is this a bad idea? Will it cause issues before there needs to be any? I would like the easiest solution as I don't want to have drama I'm just aware we all have very different views of involvement with baby.

While it’s nice that your PIL obviously want to be active grandparents I personally would be struggling with their hypocrisy.
For years they have been rudevand mean to you/about you and now they just expect you to forget all of that so they can take over with your baby.
Cold day in hell before that would happen!!
I think it’s ridiculous to go from LC to OTT in one step. They are being dreadfully demanding ( giving birth closer to them! Taking your baby on holiday!) and they are just the things you know about!!

Don’t tell them you have had the baby until you are ready to receive them ( you might not get away with a five year pregnancy but you can try!!) and tell them that your DH will book them a suitable hotel for three nights.
Take things slowly at a pace that suits you. You are in the power seat because you are the mum of the thing they want most so only see them as much as you want and don’t be afraid to say “No” to anything they suggest that you don’t want you/your child to do.
Don’t worry about not having the nerve to do this. Your backbone gets very strong when you become a mum and although you might still accept crap from parents/in laws with regards to you, when it comes to your child you become a tiger!!
My mum sometimes is dreadful to me - I sit and take it.
As soon as she does/says something I don’t want/like regarding DD I find my voice and say ‘NO! Not going to hapoen”. And do you know what - she takes it and backs down.
Hope you have a smooth birth and enjoy those first few days with baby -they are so so precious and over too soon.
Good luck!

I don’t think it’s vital to have the conversation with them beforehand. What is critical, and probably should have been done long ago, is to have a firm set of boundaries for after the baby is born AGREED WITH YOUR DH.

Your hormones are nothing now to the weeping, anxious mess you will be in the days following birth (or a lot of us are). You’ll feel at one of the most vulnerable times of your life and you need to know your DH will have your back 100%.

What you don’t need is the PIL turning up and your DH deciding to let them in because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Them trying to visit every week and him agreeing because ‘they’re his parents’. Them trying to take baby away on holiday and him making you tell them they can’t. Them wanting baby without you present... The list is huge. You need to agree boundaries and agree your DH will take FULL responsibility for holding those boundaries firm.

You may feel strong enough to handle this now but trust me, this will destroy your early weeks with your baby if you can’t get DH to step up.

Good luck

This is my worst nightmare. Currently in a similar situation but have been 100% no contact for almost 3 years with FIL and SMIL. Currently 12 weeks pregnant with our first and have to break the no contact soon to at least inform them. My fear is that PIL will attempt a 180 turn like yours and try to be overly involved, disregarding the past history and reason for the no contact. We are unsure of when to set any boundaries for fear of starting another round of drama, especially when there's a high possibility that they won't be bothered anyway!

With your situation there's a lot more areas of grey and you have my sympathy!

My advice would be always stick to the mantra: They should always work around your ( you & DH's) plans and wishes. They are not in a position to dictate anything about your child's birth and immediate arrangements.
You tell them your plans: "We have toured X labour ward and it's very comfortable, so here's the details for when the time comes. Also there will be no room to stay at ours in the first few weeks, here's a list of all the local hotels you could consider." Be clear with your expectations and then it's easier to point out when others are ignoring or trying to circumvent your wishes.
As others have said make sure you and DH are on the same page, I'm quite lucky in this regard, DH will be doing most of the foot putting down as he completely agrees!

@Noidlet
Why on earth would you break NC to tell them you’re pregnant? You obviously have no relationship with them anymore.
They don’t need to know. Don’t make life difficult for yourself!

I think you deserve the reassurance of the conversation being had now, so everyone knows where they stand and you can relax.

Also, they may will kick off and turn nasty. Better now than overshadowing the happiness when baby arrives. Had very similar situation with MIL and I feel for you, hugs x

Have you told them clearly that you won't be giving birth in Scotland?

Sorry everyone I just woke up 😳 guess my lie ins will soon be out the window! 😂

@FenellasRedVelvetDress yes that is exactly how I feel! How have we gone from never speaking to suddenly it's like we are very close and I just forget some of the frankly very mean things that have been said in the past!! I'm rent a womb atm!

@Noodles I wouldn't tell them 🙈 if your dh doesn't want to have contact with them then what's the point!

I think dh is hoping (somewhat naively) that there will be no issues and that they will just fall in with what we want. I've seen this happen before with our wedding. He will stand up to them but he does always wait until the last minute! ILs always blame me for anything anyway so we can't do much to stop that! Even when told a decision is dhs they decide it must be me somehow! I've even seen MIL do a complete u turn when she found out something was Dhs idea, hating it at first then loving it when she was told it wasn't mine!

Anyway i know he will put his foot down so I'm not too worried about that I'm just worried as a pp has said that it will bring a lot of stress to our first days as parents!

@Downtheroadfirstonleft yes dh dismissed the idea completely saying sarcastically that he doubted it would be safe to make a long drive when my waters broke so obviously would be having baby at our local hospital 😂

My parents are reasonable. For all their mockery of round robins they put a short summary in their Christmas cards. They started mention our and my brother’s children. They did that precisely once as we both made it extremely clear that there would be serious consequences if they did it again. Sharing a scan with all their friends is of itself NC-worthy - it is go far beyond acceptable as to need gps to find even the road to acceptable.

@coattails @hamtoastiesandpickedeggs

To be honest it's never crossed our minds to not tell him. This baby is the first and possibly only biological grandchild that FIL is going to get. We'd hate for him to find out from one of DH's Aunts or Uncles. Extended family are aware of the issues and for the most part are pretty low contact with him too. I suppose we'd like to have the moral high ground and not have it twisted that we're awful for not mentioning it at all.
Don't want to hijack this post or drip feed but it's the SMIL that's the problem here, she has isolated FIL from his family and he has let her. He has made his bed but if he (by himself) turned up tomorrow and said he wanted a relationship with his son again then DH would take the opportunity. But everything at this point is FILs choice. Just don't want to open the door to both of them.

I think it's time for them to reap what they sowed with their previous ill-treatment of you, OP.

Being openly hostile to your DIL, asking your son not to marry her, seeing her and your son twice a year, and then surprisingly being a whole lot more friendly and keen for contact when she's pregnant with your grandchild, and expecting to be heavily involved..? They should have thought about who was likely to be the mother of their future grandchildren a long time ago!

I'm not suggesting that it wouldn't be nice to build bridges, but I think they need to know that essentially nothing has changed between you just because you're pregnant. Your relationship is where it is (by the sounds of it distant and tentative, because of their previous behaviour), and it still requires work from them if they want to improve it and see you (and their grandchild) more often.

The suggestion of you giving birth local to them demonstrates that they're still batshit crazy. Suggestions like that need to be met with the incredulity they warrant, not just be brushed off. You need to leave people like them in no doubt that what they just suggested was ridiculous.

I definitely think you should have a conversation beforehand and set boundaries. If you've visited them twice yearly up to now and they've never visited and stayed in your home, of course they won't be starting when you have a newborn baby.

You don't owe them anything just because they're you baby's grandparents. They're still the same assholes they were before.

You just stand firm, they will be informed when the baby is safely arrived, can visit a week later when baby is settled in and you are recovered, stay in a hotel Your OH might also have the courage to say that although you are happy to be on better relations, this massive about turn is too overwhelming . Of course they cant take the baby on holiday, what nonsense. Is tis a new thing parents being in on the labour?