To abandon/ghost someone in their time of need?

[FlorencePetal]

Ex partner.
Broke up but lived together still.
Both have MH issues.
She has an extensive history of self harm and suicide attempts (esp after break ups)
Twice she threatened suicide and dissapered (ending up at A&E)
She is now in a psychiatric unit.

I can't have her back here. Social services have got involved and I'm not willing to go down that road. WE ARENT TOGETHER.

She's been messaging me constantly. Saying I said I was her friend etc

I told her she can't come back here

I'm getting shit from her for making her homeless and she's expecting me to visit her and bring her things etc.

I don't want to :(

Thing is she has no friends or family so if I walked away she would be alone.

No home. No money. In a suicidal state.

I've really tried but there's no room in my house and she is highly manipulative.

Since she's gone I've felt so much lighter. Apart from her constant messages.

AIBU to take her essentials then block her on everything? Maybe just send a message saying I'm sorry but I can't do this?

I did say i would support her after we broke up but she's expecting way too much.

Freaking out if I don't reply within minutes etc

To add, after seeing your last post- it absolutely is very hard to do. Sometimes you have to put yourself first though.

It's not being mean, didnt you say yourself you cant deal with this, she cant live with you, you don't want to take anything in for her and that she is highly manipulative. She has a mum, nana and another friend, she has the staff, if she is discharged she should get community support.

I'm just worried she will kill herself. It will be on my conscience forever

Channel your worry and energy in to your children.

Be honest with yourself. I very much doubt you have been focussed on mothering during this mess. That is where your attention should be.

Please cut contact.
She is manipulating you through this situation....again.

I agree it's a huge deal for you to leave her but you had left her anyway, hadn't you? And you left her because she was manipulative and here she is, manipulating you again. Don't let her do it.

People here are so mean. This isn't easy. It's a huge thing to do to someone.

I won't post again

OP [sigh]

Ok.

Once I have taken her bag tomorrow I will cut contact completely.

De ja vu all over again

It must be so hard for you - she definitely isn't your responsibility, but when it is someone you obviously cared for very much and probably still do to a degree, I can understand you feeling afraid and guilty but the fact is you either give up your own life and that of your children really (because she will play on this forever if she doesn't want to move on), or you take the chance and if something bad should happen you didn't do it to her, she did it to herself. You really should put your kids first and this toxic mess wouldn't help them, particularly if you are not wanting to ever have a relationship with her again. I don't think you're attention seeking, I think you're scared and feeling rotten and want a magic solution but there won't be one

You cannot heal wounds in people that you had no part in creating.

The best thing for this women would be for you to stop trying to rescue her. As kind as this seems, it’s impossible and by continuing to attempt it, you are entrenching her feelings of helplessness.

Do everybody a favour and hand back the power to the only person who is able to “fix” her - her.

If she commits suicide, that is undoubtedly tragic but it is also up to her. It is her life. Hers to live and hers to end. There are professionals involved who can help her navigate an emotional crisis, hopefully they can manage her suicidal ideation but if they can’t, they can’t. Neither can you.

Prioritize the people for whom you do have the power to save from a damaging environment - your children.

I wonder if half the people here commenting about me posting before would be so quick to walk away from someone they cared about without a 2nd thought.

It's not that easy.

But I know it's necessary.

Very hard. But if you start supporting her you will get embroiled in the situation again. You have to choose if you want to do that. If she was going to commit suicide she will do it whether you help her or not--you arent the thing standing between her and suicide. I think you should cut her off, as harsh as it may be it is best for both of you. You have to choose, in the end. Cruel to be kind does apply sometimes.

You aren't walking away without a second thought. You've given it lots of thought. But the only conclusion of that thinking MUST be to cut contact. For you, yes, but mostly for your children.

I don't think you attention seeking - I think you're desperate. And I'm not surprised but you do need to refocus sharpish given DC involved.

Absolutely ensure she has essentials but absolutely do NOT engage in any way ohter than being very clear it's over; you have to deal with your shit and she has to deal with hers. Upthread someone said you probably haven't been doing too much mothering recently amidst this drama and they're probably right given the trauma/chaos/toxicity you've described.

I'd focus your energies on DC, self, and getting out of co-depenedency (ace book called Co-Dependent No More by Melody someone).

Good luck

Whats the problem....block her.

@FlorencePetal

Honestly. My honest opinion.

I wouldn’t give a flying fig because she sounds like someone I would want well away from my children.

Of course it’s hard. Of course you don’t want to see her suffering or feel like you’re contributing to her suffering, but there is nothing that you can do about that, not in the long term.

You can make decisions for your children that will absolutely impact their level of suffering though and they are your responsibility.

Just tell her straight you are ending the relationship for good and you are putting your children first.Wish her well and all the best for the future.
Tell her not to visit you again etc and not to contact you and block her on everything.
Tell her support worker you have finished the relationship and don't want any further contact with her and drop her gear off.
Why did you get together with someone like that in the first place? She can make new friends and associates when shes better. Loads of people have to do this all the time.The future is hers to make.

Your ex is undoubtedly in a bad way, but she will not be able to move on while she feels she can contact you and ask for favours any time. Take the stuff, but don't see her. Make sure you tell the staff that while you wish her well, you are NOT going to be available for her any more as you need to prioritise your own health and family. This is important as she may be telling them you can help in XYZ ways, and they need to be aware that isn't the case.

OP, Ihaven’t read your other threads but I get the gist. It sounds like you have asked for help and many people on here have given their advice. Now everyone will post differently, whether bluntly, as in just cut contact, or in more detail with more empathy. No one is accusing you of being anything other than a really caring person who cares about others and is trying to do the right thing. However everyone’s advice is the same - just said in different ways.

I know it’s tough, but you really do know what you need to do - for the DC if nothing else.

Get a new SIM, tell the new number only to those that need to know then toss the old one in the nearest bin.
Don't tell it to your ex

Create a new email address. Start using it and advise everyone that needs to know and slowly get rid of your old address.

Don't tell it your ex

Remove your ex from every part of your life, get her things out of your home and give them to staff where she is staying.

Block her social services/worker They will get the hint when you stop engaging with them. You won't get 'told off' or be 'in trouble' they are social workers going through the motions, eventually, they will get the hint and find her alternative accommodation.

This will be so liberating for you and your mental health

I never thought I'd say this but you need to actually tell her you do not wish to be involved at all and that this is the end and make it the end.

I wonder if half the people here commenting about me posting before would be so quick to walk away from someone they cared about without a 2nd thought.

I left my ex after 3 decades. It absolutely wasn't easy, and even though I chose to leave because of abusive behaviour, I still kept having a pull back, still felt somehow responsible. He threatened suicide, but that night I'd had my phone switched off so didn't see the messages until the following morning. By which time he'd somehow ended up in hospital (I don't know how and I'm not getting drawn back in to find out). He was discharged same day so it clearly wasn't serious.

He pulled a similar stunt a couple more times. I just called 101 until he stopped doing it. Police did a welfare check and obviously said something to him. The last stunt he pulled dragged in our DD, and I'll never forgive him for that.

In many cases these threats are a form of manipulation, to try and keep you in the relationship. I have blocked ex now, and I don't think he ever thought I'd be strong enough.

OP, please be firm. I totally understand how hard this is, I felt so bad the first time ex did this. But, while your ex clearly has MH issues now, if you stay in contact it'll end up with both of you suffering.

For your DCs, and for you, you need to walk away. 1 step at a time, but please walk away.

* wonder if half the people here commenting about me posting before would be so quick to walk away from someone they cared about without a 2nd thought.*

A tiny tiny minority of mumsnetters have had social services involved in the welfare of their children due to their relations with another person.

You are taking it a step at a time and its hard but you are doing it. This is the next step that you need to take.
Its hard, but you are getting there. Dont stop, just plough through and carry on.