To be so anxious about new neighbours

[partypoopers]

I feel I need to explain first that I feel I have an oversensitivity to neighbour noise which started when I first moved out of home into a flat and had the most horrifically inconsiderate neighbour who had loud, night-long parties and ignored our requests to please be quieter - a complaint ended up going through the council formally, and she moved out shortly afterwards. I spent a long time in that flat feeling anxious and trapped, I had a mortgage so it wasn’t easy to just move. I now live in a private rented semi detached house with a thin party wall, lived here for 5 years. First neighbours were a lovely young professional couple and I barely heard them – just usual up and down the stairs, occasional talking and front/back doors being closed. Then had a woman and her young dd move in – I panicked when they arrived as was worried about noise and she has been noisier than the previous couple – more music, she’s very loudly spoken, there’s been late night door slamming, hearing her argue with her child, etc. But she has been lovely with it and we’ve chatted outside many times so I felt I could tolerate any noise. Her house has been empty for basically 6 months because she’s moved in with her partner and is waiting for her tenancy to expire which I think is in a couple of weeks. It’s been blissfully quiet the last 6 months, it’s been like having a detached property. I’m feeling quite anxious about getting new neighbours purely because I have no idea who I may end up with, how noisy they will be and how friendly/reasonable they will be. It’s something that is really stressing me out. I’m dreading the day I see new cars outside and new people arriving. Does anyone else get like this with new neighbours? How can I chill the hell out both while I wait for neighbours to arrive, and once I eventually see/hear they’ve moved in?

I felt like this, solved the problem by buying a detached house.

To be honest, you are. I totally understand as I hate neighbour noise too, but we’re not entitled to silence. Over the years, I have managed to convince myself that if I know what the noise is then it’s not bothering me. Working on my perception has made life a bit less stressful for me when it comes to noise.

Rent next door yourself then select the tenants you are happy with.

I hear you OP. My Next door Neighbour is a very elderly lady and I am dreading it when she goes.

I live in the house I was born in and intend to be carried out the same way my late parents were so moving is not an option......yet.

If they turn out to be nightmare neighbours it would break my heart to have to move!

Look for some CBT to give you strategies for coping with it?

rainbowsss This is my dream, stuck with renting at the moment though and detached rentals are too expensive for me too right now.

Unfortunately it is one of the perils of living in close quarters with other people. Your old neighbour doesn't seem unreasonable in her noise level- I would chalk the last 6 months up as a blessing rather than as an entitlement.

Obviously you're not being unreasonable. I'm like you and very sensitive to neighbour noise and it does make you vulnerable to whoever happens to move in. I would be as proactive as possible. Can you arrange your living area so that you can spend time away from the party wall? (For example your bedroom isn't on that side of the house?). For me noise is a big factor when I choose property so I'll be willing to compromise other aspects in order to be less vulnerable to noise.

The most likely thing that will happen though is that a perfectly average family will move in and it will be more quiet than the previous mother and daughter.

YANBU. People can be massive arseholes, but hopefully your new neighbours will be nice.

When they move in, pop round and introduce yourself. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer

Yes I think some of the solutions put forward are lovely but probably not doable for most people!

Get yourself on a CBT course. You are catastrophising and it’s causing your anxiety. There are techniques to help

This is a problem up and down the country. I suspect that everyone with neighbours feels like you do to a degree. We are a massively overcrowded tiny island and people seem to have no manners any more. Noise and poor behaviour from neighbours is a massive stressor. You only have to spend a short while on her to see CF parking threads and CF neighbours. Modern houses are built of spit and tissue paper too which doesn't help.

I was staying at a friends house and the NDNs were having a row and one of them threw an iron and it dented the friends wall on his side inwards so thin was the feckin wall! You could hear them clear their throats, turn on lights and pee in their toilet bowl. It all adds up and is part of why everyone is so wired nowadays I think.
Another friend, mid terrace, had both sides endlessly noisily shagging. She had lived there a month before putting it back on the market.
I think the only thing you can do is to call out bad behaviour from the outset maybe?

I'm exactly the same. Previous noisy neighbours almost gave me a phobia of neighbours and when we moved to my latest home (after having to leave the last one due to NDNs barking dogs) I was so anxious about the NDNs that I made dh move in before me to check them out first 😂

Luckily I have been lucky this time, quiet neighbours, but I still catch myself listening out for them. I really recommend a white noise machine. I have tinnitus too and it's helpful for that. You can play sounds of the sea, or rain, or birds. It distracts from any other noise. Saved my sanity.

As anxiety is a feeling of course you’re not being unreasonable to have it
People that say otherwise have never lived next door to noisy neighbours. In a previous house I had up to 6 students at a time. As soon as new ones moved in I went and introduced myself. I let them know a little bit about me and asked how they’d like me to let them know if I was being inconsiderate. I had a busy household myself so used this as a reason we may be noisy at times ( we actually weren’t) Often this was enough for us to agree with each other if anyone was making unreasonable noise. For 15 years I only then had issue with one lot of students who were actually just Pig ignorant and until they moved it was a nightmare and nothing I or their landlord did helped.
So I suggest being ultra friendly when your neighbours move in

Sorry meant to say we always swapped mobile numbers as I found it easier just to send a text saying something like ‘ Hi Tom, one on my kids has just been woken by banging from x bedroom, can you sort please?’

Try to get along with them. For some reason neighbour noise is much more bearable when you like the people.

We’re in a detached house now but the summers are quite noisy as they like to be outside until late with music on both sides.

I care far less when the friendly neighbours are making the noise

I was a bit like this. I had a very elderly man living next door and never heard a peep. He sadly passed away and I knew the next owners would have to completely renovate as it needed new plumbing/electrics/decoration, the lot. A young couple arrived, her heavily pregnant. Baby has arrived and they've since acquired two very small dogs but they are the nicest couple and do not make any noise and their dogs are quiet too.

It's really not worth wasting energy worrying about something that may not happen. Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised too OP.

Do you make any noise?

Do you make any noise?

Of course she makes some noise - although by the sounds of it she'd be a considerate neighbour. She's not being at all unreasonable to be worried. It's a massive problem with housing with shit sound insulation. Even neighbours who make noise they can't help (e.g baby crying at night) can have a massive impact on your life as you miss out on quality sleep. Then if you have neighbours that are inconsiderate on top of that it can make your home life horrible.

littlechocola If i can hear my neighbours going up and down the stairs and them walking on our shared creaky floorboards upstairs, then of course they must be able to hear me too. I don't play loud music though (unless i know they're not home) and i close my entrance doors quietly and normally not with a slam like the last girl did and if i'm returning home late from being out I take care to be quiet. My previous experiences of having shit neighbours makes me determined to never be one myself.

See, I'm really worried that we're going to be the "arsehole neighbours" soon. DH has inherited his late granny's (terraced) house and it's a total shithole that hasn't has any sort of renovation or improvements done since the 70s. It needs central heating installed, a wall knocked down, a new kitchen and bathroom, and decorated throughout. I'm nervous about putting our new neighbours off before we've even moved in

I understand how you feel. I have had a seemingly endless stream of noisy inconsiderate neighbours my whole life. Wherever I have lived.

I do not understand why semis are built with living and sleeping areas back to back instead of joining them on the hall, stairs and landing side.

Some are built this way and it really makes a difference.

My current neighbours aren't too bad but the guy over the back of me drives me insane. Dogs out and barking 27/7 (no I'm not exaggerating) and he plays his radio outside at a volume more suited to an outdoor rave than a residential area. Sigh.

Agree with a pp. White noise is a HUGE help. It totally drowns the dogs most of the time. Defintely look into it.

I do not understand why semis are built with living and sleeping areas back to back instead of joining them on the hall, stairs and landing side

This! What is wrong with architects that they don’t do this!?

I do not understand why semis are built with living and sleeping areas back to back instead of joining them on the hall, stairs and landing side. This is why "halls adjoining" houses are usually a more desirable choice. My current Edwardian semi is a halls adjoining house and is much quieter for the reasons you've described.

I do not understand why semis are built with living and sleeping areas back to back instead of joining them on the hall, stairs and landing side.

This! My house is only a tiny little 2 bed anyway and the stairs ar on the adjoining wall and the living room and main bedroom are also joined. The second bedroom has a build in wardrobe and boiler in between it and the neighbours second bedroom. As the house is so small though even if you're in the kitchen or away from the party wall any noise like doors closing or loud talking still filters through!

Thanks for the tip re white noise machines, I've looked into these before as the girl that's now moving out had a penchant for slamming her bedroom door closed (possible swollen door or dodgy latch?) late at night and considered buying one then.

YANBU. I am really sensitive to noise.

We last lived in a semi with a 85yo as a neighbour who we never ever heard. Luckily she was in good health but I dreaded her passing away and us getting noisy neighbours.

We sold that house and now we live in a detached - one set of neighbours are away 5 months a year and the other are considerate so this is bliss.

Noisy neighbours can make your life so miserable. I can understand your anxiety.