To refuse health visitor?

[Seline]

Hi. I'm a 2nd 3rd time mum to twins and had them prematurely. One is still in hospital and had a very traumatic time, and I have appointments for pediatricians, speech and language, dieticians, cardiologists and other specialists. I already have an older child with extra needs and so have lots of appointments for him too.

I don't see what advice a HV could give me as I'm already under such specialist care. My twins had extreme problems and aren't typical prems according to the nicu either so need specialist follow ups. We had the metabolic team involved at one point as they were concerned one had an inborn error of metabolism but thankfully that turned out to be okay.

I feel like waiting around for HV appointments would be too much when I already have so many and that I just want to be as normal as possible. I declined the Child Health Surveillance thing when registering them. I explained my reasons as above and the receptionist still seemed suspicious.

I now can't stop thinking they're going to refer me to SS or flag me up as difficult. I have anxiety and I keep thinking they're going to use that to say I'm unstable and need extra watching.

Phillipa I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. That HV sounds wonderful.

OP, I (with a single child) withdrew from HV services quite early on, because the HV was really not good and I didn't find her helpful. A lot of people I know did similar. It's fine to do so, I can't imagine SS will be interested.

I had a HV visiting me when my DD was 2 and I had a terrible time with PND and anxiety. She was there to support me and advise me. I can't thank her enough.

They really only pop in for a chat in the first 6 weeks. After that, you generally see them in clinic except for the two big assessments. There’s no harm just saying you’d rather just come to the clinic.

The special needs insensitivity is another reason I'm not keen. One twin is more likely than the other to have special needs, although so far the brain scans are clear and the hearing and vision tests are fine. They were starved of oxygen for a while and the consultant has said we can't know the effect yet. I am just grateful that they saved her life and it doesn't bother me in the slightest what disability she may have. But I don't want someone constantly comparing either of them to other kids and pointing out their "problems". I am so proud of them already for overcoming what they have and every day with them is a bonus. I don't want someone who doesn't understand devaluing the amazing progress they have both made and will make.

I didn't really see the point of HV but went along with it. My HV spotted issues with my DC2 and sorted referrals out at a very early stage, I will always be grateful to her!
Where I live now we have a specialist disability HV team that cover to age 18, we are under the service and dip in and out as needed. They have specialists in continece and puberty, I get what you say about feeling like they are intruding but in my experience they have been very supportive.

Well they missed an opportunity to be supportive and a wonderful help for me! I suspect this shows the individual variation in standards of the HV profession. Also the lack of proper communication as large amount of less qualified ‘assistants’ who end up passing themselves off as HVs as they never introduce themselves as anything else, and people naturally expect that they are talking to an actual health visitor.

DS and I have had a huge amount of health and personal issues that could have done with someone to help us and chase appointments etc, really very serious issues (life and death issues)... but all I got was completely irrelevant, medically wrong and contradictory ‘advice’ which was extremely worrying on top of everything else, until I realised I could ignore it all.

Having said all that, you might get one of the fabled HV that are really good, and then they could really be an aid to you. I once did an interview with an amazing hv so they do exist by the way! So it might be worth giving them a single chance?

The only other reason I’ve ever found hv good is that when there was call to enquire about safeguarding (something at nursery triggered an automatic check), they do call hv as well as GP, and seem to put great store in hv saying that the family seems nice and no problems etc...

I completely agree with you refusing if you won't use their service. I saw mine once only after my three were born and told her I wouldn't be needing to see her again. I personally don't find them very useless and more of a bother.

Best wishes to you and your family op, I hope the health visitor is non intrusive and is of some help,

Although they say a HV is optional I did have one say she would refer me to SS if I didnt see her so I would see them once if I was you then never again, thats what I done with all 4 of mine.

Personally,as im in a similar situation ,having to have professionals in my house once a week for a check up ....bizarre story...I wanted to refuse .i hate having them in.but decided it was better than the hassle of them thinking I had something to hide.so I go along with it ,and often have them out the door in 13 minutes...once the hv realises your fine ,they will lose interest x

I opted out of mine & there were no comebacks. Similar in that my second DC had an issue which we had regular consultant care for plus physio etc. The HV brought nothing to my life & TBH I was fed up of being told what to do. I found it made me anxious with my first Dc & on my second I decided to do things instinctively. I feel happier for it.
If they did refer to SS they should inform you first & im pretty sure any SS team would laugh at the referral, bearing in mind the threshold for SS intervention is 'risk of serious harm'.
Do what's best for you OP

I don’t think the “something to hide” side of thing can really be applied when it is apparent that the family are going to have a lot of outside professionals involved anyway. I think if any HV was to try to play that card they would be laughed at!

Also the HV service is optional apart from the birth visit, which is compulsory.
If a HV was to threatened me withSS for not engaging I'd let them crack on & refer

The birth visit is the first one I assume? I haven't had any as my children were born very early and taken straight to intensive care. I have been given a discharge letter for one though so I assume one is expecting to come.

zzzzz thank you I will have a look at the SN boards. My older child is currently having problems with lashing out due to frustration because of a speech delay so we are currently trying to really encourage him to use his words rather than screaming and biting when he feels sad/angry.

I think sometimes people like HV forget that in specialist cases the general way of doing things is sometimes counter productive.

Although they say a HV is optional I did have one say she would refer me to SS if I didnt see her
Empty threat. Unless she has and specific concerns, she would have been shown the door by SW.

I think sometimes people like HV forget that in specialist cases the general way of doing things is sometimes counter productive.
This is true and as someone alluded to earlier the problem is with the variance in service. Some are really good with prem babies and SN, it just comes down to what experience and training.

5% of prem babies are less than 28 weeks. 11% are 28-32. But these babies make up the vast majority of those in NNICU. Health Visitors are generally bad at supporting these mums because they often don’t have experience. The service needs overhauled and to provide specialist Prem HVs.

Empty threat. Unless she has and specific concerns, she would have been shown the door by SW.

It was my dds birthday so I said I couldnt see her on the day she wanted but she said she had to see my baby and me refusing was “being difficult” and “concerning” despite me saying I would see her any other day but she said she had to see me
on that day, I ended uo agreeing as the
last thing anyone wants with a new baby is the threat of SS.

YANBU
There is nothing a HV can provide that won’t be provided by the professionals involved already as well as the mention also support from friends and family.

@Saracen the bit that sent me over the edge finally was being asked if ‘I was scared this baby will be like your daughter’. As my beautiful toddler was being cuddled by me, it was so insensitive.

Hope your doing ok OP! I've no advice regarding the health visitor but I just wanted to say, my twins were born at 26 weeks... they are now 6 and doing really well!
I remember how difficult I found it all. Keep fighting on, take each day as it comes. These little babies are stronger than we think!

Good luck!

YANBU I advised mine that I didn’t need visits and that I knew where they were if I felt I needed them. It is an optional service.

Shart glad to hear they're doing well. I found it incredibly hard at the beginning as one twin wasn't expected to make it and I remember saying I wanted to take her outside so she didn't die in a plastic box having never felt the wind or seen the grass or heard the birds. By some miracle she she survived against all odds. I feel a lot better now the prognosis is quite positive.

Congratulations on your twins. I've been in a similar situation to you and I did see the hv but I saw her on my terms. They are there to help not be a pain in the neck. I always saw mine at the clinic as home visits would stress my toddler out and also the clinic appointments were easier to fit in around other things. I also found giving the hv jobs like chasing referrals was really good as that's really hard to do when you have babies and toddlers. My hv was really good at being firm with other professionals too.