To ask how to improve social skills when you have none. Please -really need help.

[TheBigCat]

You're too quiet, you're too shy, she doesnt say anything, I wouldn't employ her - shes too quiet, why dont you speak? - its so irritating, do we have a mouse in the room? hello miss mute, oh it speaks! you'll never get anywhere in life because you're too quiet, How are you going to find someone- you're too shy?

Ive had to listen to comments like this ALL my life. I have anxiety in every social situation so basically any human interaction from talking to the cashier in Tesco to going to an interview.

I have developed this from a very young around 4 years old. It wasnt picked up as an anxiety just an irritating personality trait which Ive been villified for Because its been lifelong from childhood I have never had a chance to fully develop my social skills. I literally dont know what to say. I just freeze. Im second guessing if it's ok to do/ say x/y/z.

im fed up. I want to change and I need help. can you suggest ways in which I can improve my social skills. What do you think would help.

Watch YouTube videos in confidence and self esteem

Oh bless you that sounds so difficult. I suffered from fairly crippling shyness when I was in school and going to drama club really helped build my confidence as I didn’t have to be myself so therefore I couldn’t be judged? That’s how it seemed to me anyway. Then confidence being me seemed to grow on its own.

Are there any sort of clubs you could join? Maybe not drama if that doesn’t suit but even something like a creative writing class might help. You’re not required to talk much but it gets you out and meeting people without the pressure of ‘normal’ interactions.

Do you have some close friends or family you can talk to honestly about how difficult you’re finding things at the moment?

Also, it’s not a bad thing to be quiet. It’s a personality trait and is part of who you are. What you can work on is building your self esteem so you can be quietly self confident.

This may not be much help I know - but I hope someone comes along who may have more constructive advice.

If it is social anxiety rather CBT can be really effective.

Many quiet people have developed a reputation as being good listeners. Maybe start with some CBT and see if you can change your focus. Take a class in assertiveness.
Then look for an interest that makes you read out some text in public. Join a beginners writers class. Tell them you are trying to find your voice. Take some singing lessons, join a debating group.
And keep posting online, talk to people here. Join a hobby forum.
You don't have to be good at any of those things, you just have to fake being confident enough to join and make the attempt to join in.

CBT can help, also medication for the anxiety? Like pp said previously though being quiet isn't a bad thing if it's your nature to be. I do sympathise as am the same as you OP

Could you try something like a board games club? You don't need to be interacting with people the whole time (it's perfectly fine to have a quiet think about your next move!) and you don't need to commit to a whole session. Try one of the speedier card based games maybe, and build up confidence.

Remind yourself that they are skills - something to be learned. Most people learn from friends during growing up, some people don't - you because you were so quiet, me because I was "socially excluded", so you need to learn in other ways.

What I did was read a lot of self-help books, thought about things a lot. I'm now about middling in my social skills, not shy, still quite likely to seem crass or insensitive, but not standing out as much as I used to.

One of the reason I came to AIBU is that it's full of people reacting to other people's comments, and that's valuable to me - I see how other people interpret comments, in a way that I wouldn't have expected. So I can then see why someone might have been a bit "off" with me.

You can solve this! You totally can.

Paul McKenna is great for confidence and happiness. Have a look.

If you have a bit of spare cash look at getting some proper CBT - it will be worth it.

You can fix this but not on your own. You will need some professional help but if you are prepared to go on a bit of a self-discovery oddessey you might be able to do it from self help videos or work books on your own.

I’m excited for you that you are looking for help. It will get so much better. Good luck.

I think you will need help. Research into whether there are any courses that can help you with this and where you can mix and work with others that have the similar anxieties.

You might also try to take up a hobby where you can practise social skills with less pressure ie a walking club

Sorry you are struggling with this.

There are a few websites. about social anxiety and ways to set yourself a sort of hierachy of tasks to practice -starting small eg smiling at the Tesco cashier and working up from there. It is tough as a natural tendancy with anxiety is to avoid the source of anxiety but it makes it worse in the long run. You have to start small and practice.

I would also maybe try to read a bit to identify the issue - is it anxiety , is it confidence, is it social skills - because I have found that what helps for one may not be the best for the others. Eg I have social anxiety and really struggle with public speaking . It has only dawned on me recently - after 20 odd years of trying - that attending training courses for presentation skills makes me 10x worse. As all the poor trainer can say is speak up a bit, louder please as I just get more and more anxious. This year I am going to try again but get some CBT at the same time -before during and afterwards.

For me knowing that it is anxiety and not just me has also really helped - I had always thought I was just shy/lacking confidence etc. It was only when I had a massive anxiety breakdown that I was properly diagnosed and treated and I am much better than I was before

I don't know if this will help, but I used to be terrified of public speaking and was very bad at it. I would go red, stutter and cough my way through. I then read about a soldier who had won the Victoria Cross and said "I'm not brave. I just acted bravely". Next time I had to speak in public, I decided I was going to act like I was good at it and I was! I've since given classes in public speaking.
Act like it's something you can do; lo and behold you're doing it!

But also agree with those who suggesting some social interactions easier than others - a club where you a doing something eg dancing craft etc much easier than a pub. Board games is a good idea.

You know, you have described, with precision and considerable articulacy, exactly how you feel. Dare I suggest, that, whilst you feel you are lacking in social skills, what you have to say is most emphatically worth hearing. Many of us cringe at our mistakes, but we focus on them much more than our companion. It's natural, and truly, they simply don't notice the things that keep us awake. Freezing, like public speaking, every second feels like eternity, but it isn't, that's easy to say. It's old advice, but simply be yourself, we many do second guessing, which is essentially a sign of a thoughtful and considerate person. Be the person that you have articulated here. Any sensible person would be all ears. Good luck, take care.

Not coping with you being quiet is other people's lack of social skills, not yours.

In social situations I find the best things to do are ask questions and compliment people. People love to talk about themselves/their children. You can compliment the food/their clothes/ their children- whatever seems appropriate!

I also read an article once about how the best way to bond with someone is to make them feel useful/ ask their advice. I do it in work sometimes, it’s a good ice breaker and an easy way to chat to someone.

I’ve been there. I don’t “look” like a shy person (so I’ve been told, not sure what one looks like tbh but that’s what people always say) so people always think I’m a massive snob too.

I still get anxiety about stuff like buying stuff or well like basically everything.

Have you thought about getting tested for autism? My doctor suggested that recently.

I don’t have any great advice. I just push through most of the time. I tell myself that the person I’m talking to is just the same as me, doesn’t have special power or status over me etc. I still get the anxiety but I’m more able to do stuff. And I always have my music on when I’m going around - I think being able to drown people out 90% of the time somehow helps with the 10% of the time that I have to actually deal with them.

I also find that the people who say shit like ‘oh it speaks’ or ‘ohhh you’re quiet’ are basically just as socially awkward, they just deal with it differently, by saying stupid things. That makes me feel somewhat better. Like I would never say something so stupid and crass so I am doing better than them in that regard.

Oh and I sometimes look to different cultures where being quiet is seen as a virtue and not a hinderance. I have lived in both Japan and Finland and I felt so much more comfortable in those countries. EVERYONE was quiet all the time, it was heaven. I remember being at a party in Japan and one guy didn’t speak to anyone the whole time and the host was like ‘oh that’s x, he really hates speaking so he just comes to parties and listens to my records.’ It was totally accepted that this guy would just show up and not speak and no one cared.

Not saying you need to move to Japan but knowing that your personality would be accepted in some cultures might be of some comfort.

pick totally. Socially aware people accept all types of personality.

Try to be proud of who you are. PPs have given you lots of good ideas to look into that could help the anxiety but there is nothing wrong with being introvert.

I tend to use the ‘fake it till you make it’ technique. I pretend to be confident and bubbly when talking in front of groups of colleagues, even when I’m feeling terrified and like I want to curl up in a ball and it seems to be easier each time. Is there someone you admire who you could ‘channel’. Or could you ‘play’ a totally confident CEO type in your head, next time you go into a shop? Maybe that’s a stupid idea - I’m thinking aloud. x

A PO said this: "I'm not brave. I just acted bravely". That's a great way to look at it.
I was painfully shy until about 12 or 13. Then I realised how much in life I was missing by not pushing myself forward and made a conscious effort to change, even though at first it felt completely the opposite to my instincts.
Now thirty years later I am known the kind of person who knows everyone and is never afraid to volunteer for things. Though I admit inside I still lack a bit of confidence in my abilities, I think others would be amazed to see me write that.
It all an act! You can do it too.

[PP - previous poster, not PO - sorry]

Maybe also make a conscious effort to observe others' conversations. Not so much what they say, but how they say it; the dance of interactions, who speaks when, how people interrupt, how much the listen to each other (or not), how well they respond to what the other person says vs tell their own story.
You'll learn about how go interact, and you'll also realise how lots of people aren't that great at it.

Fake it until you make it, As a pp said it is their issues if they feel the need to comment. I think it is very rude to comment on someones personality and demeanour especially if they are quiet anxious or shy.
I would start with YouTube some CBT therapy, also except yourself and if people comment on your quietness, practise your comebacks to ask does it make them feel uncomfortable as it is part of your charm. Maybe follow with did you mean to be so rude
Once you have tried some CBT, try to join a club a book club is a great starter for conversations.
Good luck I am sure you have lots of great qualities, focus on them.

Pick the thing that seems least scary and try that first.
e.g. A cashier in a supermarket. No one really cares what you say.

Don't start up until you are paying, so you only have to say one thing.

Pick from stuff like:

• ooh it's so cold, I wish it would warm up
• but warmer today
• have you recovered from Christmas yet?
• can't believe I've spent so much
• it's quite busy here today

Anything boring, non personal, generic.

Or a charity collector, put some money in and say

• here you go
• have a nice day
• I think it's a great cause
• I bet you're cold

Just things where you aren't really starting a conversation.

Or passing someone on a footpath

• morning
• afternoon
• what a lovely dog

Once you have done a few you will see that the pavement doesn't swallow you up. Reward yourself with a nice bar of chocolate or whatever.

Thank you so so much for everyones lovely comments and suggestions. You guys have given me some great ideas that Im going to write down and work through them. Theres so much- it feels so overwhelming but I know Ill just need to take one small step at a time in this life long journey of sorting myself out.

I have been extremely unfortunate in having such an unsupported family and its taken me so long to realise this. Some of the stuff They've said to my face have just been cruel and down right hurtful. I wouldn't dream of saying that to another human being even if I did think it.

This thread has made me sad/ excited / nervous all sorts of emotions. I need to do this for my sake and my kids.

poster PersonaNonGarter I love your positivity and energy! I need some of that! I need to be my own cheerleader!

I remember reading that one of the worst things you can say to a shy child is 'oh she's shy' as it just reinforces it.
Apparently instead you are meant to say something like 'oh, she's just getting used to you, in a minute she'll come and say hello'.