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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let this little thing get to me?

32 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 10/01/2019 22:01

I've recently separated from my husband so things are still a bit raw and emotional so I'm looking for others opinions.

I've posted before about h an what led to us separating but a quick over view is he had a traumatic childhood which has left him with lots of issues, he lies, he's crap with money and he isn't very thoughtful/can't seem to see things from other points of view.

So we've been separated several months and h took this as a sign to see a counsellor about his issues (something I repeatedly begged him to do when we were together). We also agreed to see a couples counsellor with a possible view of making things work. The last week or so things have been lovely and we've actually done a couple of family things and h suggested watching a film together. I felt quietly confident that maybe things could be OK if we took it slowly and he didn't move back in straight away but maybe we could try going on a 'date'.

Yesterday I worked a night shift and h had the dc at my house as he's living in a friend's spare room. I'd left the living room in a bit of a muddle as I'm having a massive clear out and things are piled everywhere. I told him what I was going doing and then left for work. This morning after being awake for nearly 30hours in total I got home ready to just crawl into bed. H was just about to take dc to school and left as I came in. I walked into the kitchen (which I'd just organised the other day) and it looked like he'd used every pan in the house to cook dcs tea. There was stuff splatters over the cooker and up the wall. Crumbs on the floor, and all the washing up piled on the side. I was so tired I just burst into tears. Once I'd calmed down I rang him to ask what the hell he was playing at and he started saying that he would have tided up but I was living in a shit hole anyway so why bother (I've sorted and cleaned the rest of the house, the living room was the last bit to do). He then started listing all the things he's done to help me since he moved out and saying he didn't have to etc. We left it on a really bad note and haven't said a word to each other since.
WIBU to be upset by his attitude or have I blow things out of preportion because I'm tired?

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 10/01/2019 22:14

Yanbu. He's obviously still isn't very thoughtful/can't seem to see things from other points of view.

I would think carefully about whether you want him back, tbh

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 10/01/2019 22:30

Thank you books. I was worried I was being crazy. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth spending the large amount of money on couples counselling and to just tell him it not going to get fixed. Obviously I'll still encourage his relationship with dc.

OP posts:
Aprilshowerswontbelong · 10/01/2019 22:34

Ex dp persuaded me he had changed after 6 months apart.
Fell for it.
Married him ten weeks later.
Regretted it within a week.
Imo leopards don't change their spots.
They just get better at disguising them.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 10/01/2019 22:38

Why the actual fuck would you want to get back with this bellend OP? Meant kindly but a normal person would realise your are having a clearout (because you actually said that to him) and HELP by keeping the bit he messed up, clean. Cleaner would be the way to go here not totally fucking fucked up.
Get rid. This is him telling you in nine foot high neon letters with fecking bells, whistles and knobs on, who and what he is.

Do not let him in any more. Let him sort himself out. He is a total waste of space.

Kelpiex2 · 10/01/2019 22:39

I'd be so upset about that. It's so disrespectful.

Who did he think was going to clear it away?

It's a statement that his time was more precious than yours.

Disquieted1 · 10/01/2019 22:41

Does he actually take responsibility for anything?
It's not his fault he lacks empathy, it's his upbringing. He's not to blame for being crap with money, the blame lies in his childhood. It's not his fault he left your kitchen a mess, it's really all down to you.
I don't know if he's one of those people who always blames someone else, or society, or his parents or Donald Trump. If he is, well at least you know what you're getting - a life of misery.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 10/01/2019 22:48

He really has made me think wtf was I thinking considering getting back together. The really annoying thing is at our last counselling session I told him that it's his lack of thought for me that is the biggest issue and the counselor talked to him about doing something little to show him he appreciated me. To come home tonthings still in order (and a cup of tea) was the perfect opportunity. So he obviously doesn't want to make the effort.

I want to know what the hell he was doing once the kids were in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 10/01/2019 22:50

Disquieted, he's very good at blaming other people. His best one is not telling me something and then when I find out saying this is why I didn't tell you because I knew you'd over react. He can't seem to get that I'm reacting that way because he's lied/kept stuff hidden.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 10/01/2019 22:51

He thinks you are living in a shit hole now so why bother? How charming! You would think that if he was keen to get back into your good books, that he’d have made an effort.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 10/01/2019 22:53

Giraffey that was my thoughts too. It just seemed like a massive fuck you. I'm going to ring the counsellor tomorrow and tell her I won't be back. She's very blunt so part of me is hoping she contacts h and tells him he was a twat.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 10/01/2019 22:55

He couldn’t have made it clearer if he had tried.

What a Grade A entitled nob he is. Is he human? Droid? Just a plan old Manchild?

YANBU re the kitchen but YABU to even for one second considering resuming a relationship with him.

Good riddance to him.

justilou1 · 10/01/2019 23:13

Thank you for playing, EX! This is so typical!!! If it makes you feel better, I am going through counselling with my husband of 16yrs. I have been away for a week and have come home to a kitchen much the same. Including coffee spilled onto the bench, down the drawers, INTO the drawers, onto the floor, etc... Needless to say, it wasn't left like that. When I pointed at it - white and shaking with rage, he said "But I did loads of laundry!" FUUUUUUUCK! (Said laundry is still in piles to be sorted and no doubt re-washed because it's all wrinkly as hell downstairs, btw....) Oh, and he was on holidays, so not working, either. They are all the fucking same.

LisaDav · 10/01/2019 23:18

I was half way reading this, and I hoped you guys have sorted things out!!
However, YANBU! just because your living room was untidy as you mentioned you had a few things to sort, doesn't give him the right to mess up the rest of the house! I would be fuming too, and rightly so! why should you clear up his mess?! It seems that he is being very selfish.

I hope through counselling he will be able to see this, but I'm unsure he will!
I hope you're okay x

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 11/01/2019 14:36

I just rang him as I needed to talk to him about dc and he mentioned leaving the kitchen in a mess. He actually had the cheek to say 'I knew you'd get all wound up about it'. So he knew it would upset me and did it anyway. I'm so angry at him.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 11/01/2019 14:47

I would keep the counselling appointment and use it as an opportunity to make him see what a complete c* he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2019 14:52

FGS, stop wasting money on counselling. Use it to retain a solicitor as soon as possible.

TopicalUseOnly · 11/01/2019 14:53

Wow, he is a bellend. Please keep him as far out of your life as possible.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2019 14:54

It's not a little thing. It's massively disrespectful - he actually admitting knowing that it would wind you up yet still did it anyway?

What an arsehole.

I think you've come within an inch of falling for the 'I've changed' routine when he obviously really, really hasn't. Stick to your guns. Call off the counselling and tell the counsellor why.

blackteasplease · 11/01/2019 15:00

The only way out of this is to get to a stay where you each have your own house and he never has the kids at yours. Afraid I've been there and bought that (dirty) t shirt.

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 11/01/2019 15:22

I've messaged the counsellor and explained it all. I hope she tells him he was a massive tit.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2019 15:23

Well done Noodles, onwards and upwards.

justilou1 · 11/01/2019 18:11

If it’s a recurring theme, and he continually minimizes it like that, it’s not a small problem. He knew you’d be upset, but left it anyway - despite supposedly doing his best to change his behaviour. He sat on his arse after making the mess, giving no thought to the amount of time or energy required to sort it out, or respect for the emotional effect this would have on you. He made this choice, and once again, you are clearing up his mess!

Original poster
Noodledoodlesandspud · 11/01/2019 21:09

Now suddenly he's all apologetic and he was going to wash up, he was going to drop the boys off then come back and do it. Hmm so rather than do it the night before he was going to come back and do it Hmm

OP posts:
Marshmallow91 · 11/01/2019 21:27

Aye, so he was Hmm

"He actually had the cheek to say 'I knew you'd get all wound up about it'. So he knew it would upset me and did it anyway"

Tell the prick "yes, it did wind me up, because that's exactly how normal people would react to your complete and utter disrespect for them and their property" and then tell him that because of his utter disregard for you and the home you live in with his child, he can kiss it all goodbye.

You can make arrangements for him to see the wee one outside of your home in future.

I really can't get over how much of a twat this guy is...
Sending hugs OP xxxxx

TopicalUseOnly · 12/01/2019 08:41

He was going to do this, he was going to do that... yeah, right.

He's been trying to game you into a reconciliation, and now he's shitting himself because he showed his true colours again too soon (before you were thoroughly suckered in).

Sorry, but I don't think this is a man who wants to change anything about his nasty behaviour. He's just a man who wants to get his feet under the table again so that he can carry on just like before.

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