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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIB passive aggressive.... And unreasonable?!

71 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 10/01/2019 15:40

I live with 2 housemates in a house which I own. All in early - late 20s

Me and girl A work full time. Girl B is a little younger, working ad hoc, doesn't pay towards rent or bills. All fine, she's a friend.

Girls B had her partner over last night. Girl A and I returned from work and started cooking and cleaning the house. We cooked food for everyone, washed up, cleaned and then made up lunches. Girl B didn't get up or offer to help. Her and her DP were sat taking up the livingroom using Netflix (my personal account).

After Girl A and I finished by 9pm to sit down, girl B and her DP put a film on my Netflix, which I didn't like so me and Girl A went upstairs to watch TV in her room. We went downstairs later and Girl B had gone to bed with DP, left the lights on, left the door unlocked and left a mess.

I woke up this morning for work, knew that Girl B would be at home today probably sat about with DP.... Was I being unreasonable to log out of my Netflix account before I left the house this morning without saying anything....

OP posts:

cjt110 · 10/01/2019 16:06

She's taking the piss.

AIB passive aggressive.... And unreasonable?!

bibbidybobbidyboo · 10/01/2019 16:06

I agree with @swingofthings

I actually think you are being a bit unreasonable for not being clear in what you expect from her and what the house rules are, but then getting annoyed at her when she doesn't meet them. Either be clear and say "I cooked so please can you clean up" and "sorry can we watch a film we all like" or accept it. I also think the rent free thing is a red herring here, because you said that you were happy with the arrangement and that she has extenuating circumstances. If that's how you feel, great, that's very generous of you - BUT it's not fair to use it as a stick to beat her with if she's a less than ideal housemate in other ways. Separate the issues - rent aside, tell her clearly what you DO expect of her while she's living with you.

bibbidybobbidyboo · 10/01/2019 16:08

And I say that as someone in their late 20s who has lived in many a London houseshare.

Things like Netflix etiquette and who cooks and who locks up at night can vary massively between houseshares. Everyone has different norms. Make it clear what the ones under your roof are.

Juells · 10/01/2019 16:08

This will end in a huge bust-up. You will grit your teeth and tolerate it for a while, but you'll be getting more and more pissed off, a small thing will tip you over the edge, things will be said that can never be un-said and probably both of your friends will move out and never speak to you again. "LittleMiss was so unreasonable, I left the milk out by accident and it went sour overnight, she went absolutely batshit when there was no milk for her tea in the morning."

Miane · 10/01/2019 16:11

If she is living there rent free why on earth isn’t she doing the majority of the housework and cooking?

I get that she’s someone’s little sister but she’s an adult.

You aren’t giving her any incentive to find work.

Gitfeatures · 10/01/2019 16:12

Passive-agressive?

No, just passive. Incredibly so.

Howhot · 10/01/2019 16:12

It was petty. I would have done the same

You need to talk about how much she is taking the piss. Very kind of you to offer her a good will gesture if she's been through a hard time but she still needs to act like an adult and tidy up after herself. How long can you let this go on for? A month? Six months??

Miane · 10/01/2019 16:13

BUT it's not fair to use it as a stick to beat her with if she's a less than ideal housemate in other ways. Separate the issues - rent aside, tell her clearly what you DO expect of her while she's living with you.

Really? If someone else carried me financially I’d be making sure I was the best housemate in the world.

ltk · 10/01/2019 16:16

It is sad that you need to communicate basic living standards to her, but you must. Tell her explicitly what household cleanliness and cooking will be. It's your house and she needs to fall in line.

Give her a deadline, after which she will pay rent. Do not do an open-ended until
-you-get-a-job deal.

Not locking the front door is a serious issue. You should all have a talk about security and agree, then act on, what needs doing.

If her bf is over a lot, he needs to contribite too, esp on food.

Loopytiles · 10/01/2019 16:16

You do sound passive.

If she wasn’t living with you, roughly how much better off financially could you (and your paying tenant) be?

HollowTalk · 10/01/2019 16:18

Hang on, so you and the other girl are paying all the rent and paying the bills - does that include food? Clearly it includes Netflix! And she and her boyfriend are sitting about taking advantage? Why on earth do you think she'll now start work??? She has no incentive at all.

Of course you should have logged out of Netflix and you should change your password, too.

Why isn't she staying with her boyfriend? Why are you putting up with both of them?

Come on OP, get some gumption.

Pachyderm1 · 10/01/2019 16:20

Instead of tiny passive aggressive acts which won’t change anything, why not have a sensible adult discussion? I have no idea why you aren’t charging her rent or for bills, but even assuming you’re happy to continue with that arrangement you need to have a conversation about the behaviour you expect from each other.

bourbonbiccy · 10/01/2019 16:22

It is nice of you to help your friend out and it sounds like it's only a short term thing with not paying rent. It does seem like a childish response but as a knee jerk reaction while you were frustrated, but it would be much better just to have a chat with her and say you feel she has not been pulling her weight. Having a proper chat will ultimately keep your friendship healthier

bibbidybobbidyboo · 10/01/2019 16:22

@Miane

Yes, I'm sure most people would. But this person clearly hasn't got the memo so if the OP wants her to change she needs to spell it out to her. Being passive aggressive won't get her anywhere.

The fact that she's in her early 20s and has been allowed to move in rent free with an older sister while she recuperates after a difficult experience abroad makes me think that this person might not have much experience standing on her own two feet and might not even realise that her behaviour is taking the piss.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2019 16:23

You have got to put on your big girl pants and resolve this before everyone is miserable. It's fine that she pays no rent so long as you are fine with it, but there is NO reason on earth she shouldn't be pulling her weight in other ways. Cleaning, cooking, food shopping are things to be shared by everyone. Time for miss CF to get off her arse.

ltk · 10/01/2019 16:26

loopy I assume that ifthe OP asked Girl B to leave, she could get a paying houseshare to move in.

RB68 · 10/01/2019 16:26

If they act like teens wanting to be waited on hand and foot and leaving a mess then treat them like one - they can get netflix back by tidying up and cooking dinner tonight!!

Collidascope · 10/01/2019 16:31

This.

OP, you've only described one night so I'm guessing this isn't the norm for her? If it is, yes, it's not on. If she's just had one night of being a bit selfish, I'd ignore the posts encouraging you to whip yourself into a self righteous rage over it, and just leave it. I'm sure we all have the odd night where we don't quite pull our weight.

Tinkerbell89 · 10/01/2019 16:33

Either draw up a rent agreement with her advising it's no longer working her being rent free or put up with it. She is using you and the house and not acting like an adult. It's up to you but id either tell her she needs to pay rent or move out or you put up with a person living in your house rent free happily with no responsibility. You can only make the decision.

I don't think it's unreasonable to log out your Netflix account but have you even given her conditions to live rent free? E.g participate in housework and check if it's ok to have her partner over seeing she doesn't really have tenancy rights. Or ask if it's ok to use Netflix or the lounge?

She needs some ground rules or it could get worse....but your house it's up to you

Loopytiles · 10/01/2019 16:34

Do you have a contract with each of them?

cstaff · 10/01/2019 16:35

About 10 years ago a friend of mine was out of work and had to give up her flat. She was talking about moving home (about 200 miles away) so I offered her my spare room on a temporary basis. About 2 or 3 nights a week i would come in from work to have my dinner cooked for me. The house was never so clean as when she lived there. Once she got back on her feet (about 2/3 months) she started paying me rent immediately and as soon as she could afford it (6/7 months later) she got a place of her own again. She would never have taken the piss like that. And whilst you shouldn't have to have this conversation it looks like you might have to.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/01/2019 16:38

No you were not unreasonable to log out

Wtf . Get her to pull her weight or get her gone

Jaxhog · 10/01/2019 16:43

You need to set a time limit on her freeloading e.g. 3 months. Does she even contribute towards food and energy bills?

Personally, I wouldn't let her stay rent free without a time limit and some other form of interim contribution e.g. cooking, cleaning etc. I also think you need some general house rules about using your netflix account in the daytime, tidying up after yourself, washing up, stay-overs etc.

Why not ask girl A to contribute towards her rent too. That would help you create some extra pressure on her to find a job.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 10/01/2019 16:44

If she can't pay rent, she should be doing the lion's share of the housework to earn her keep.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 10/01/2019 16:45

How is she not paying anything? It's very unfair on girl A, who pays and does the work about the place. And on you. You need to get a proper financial arrangement and some house rules in place - and change your Netflix password! At the very least, if she can't afford to pay much, then seeing as she's home more she should be doing the lions share of the housework!

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