Is my life ever going to be my life now

[queeniebees]

I have 2 children - 6 months and 3 and DP and I have decided to split.

Does anyone have any stories of this? Am I always going to be busy being a single mum now? Am I going to be overwhelmed not having someone to share the daily load with? Am I ever going to have time to myself to recharge - to date?

Any reassurance would be great - I'm speaking as an over emotional and tired mum right now so could just be exaggerating but I'm worried

It’s going to be fantastic. You’ll have one less adult’s mess/washing/cooking to contend with. It may not always be easy but it’ll be worth it. How are you splitting the childcare?

@KMoKMo we haven't even spoke about that yet - still getting used to the shock before we sort arrangements like that!

There are going to be times when it feels impossibly hard, but it'll still be better than it is now- I swear! It's quite empowering to be in charge and do things your way. Good luck to you x

People do stuff. Your just in the early days!

@kitkatsky thank you! I guess I'm just worrying that I'm going to become overwhelmed and be that stressy, miserable parent because I never get any time for just me, but I guess that's down to how I see it! I just know people as single mums with 1 but not with 2 so don't have anyone close to me who can reassure me that it's manageable!

You’re

Is counselling an option? Your DC are still so young and those days are always the toughest.

@MrsAriadneOliver I think we've exhausted every way of working on our relationship. There isn't anything to pinpoint what's wrong but we just bring out the worst sides of each other and neither are happy

OK - it's going to be hard work but not as hard as looking after two children and trying to deal with a terrible relationship is.

There is a wonderful freedom in living life to your own timetable - you want to take the kids to Mcdonalds for tea or give them beans on toast? Want to spend all day Saturday in pjs? That's fine. Get up at 5.30 am to get the housework done and spend time alone but go to bed at 8.30 so you're not tired? If that works for you, it's fine! (I did that for a while and it was a great routine to be in during that period of my life).

Give yourself a few months to work out what works for you and your DC. It will change all the time but try to get some building blocks in place for the older one - one thing we've always done is bath every night - I know it's not really necessary but no matter what upheaval is happening, where we are, how emotional the day has been, it's always ended with baths and story and that keeps things "normal".

You will have time to date - it's tricky but I managed ok - but don't really think about that yet. Cultivate your friends as having someone to chat to on Whatsapp etc is very valuable during evenings on your own. I used to invite friends over once a month or so as I couldn't really go out. They'd drink wine, have something to eat and just chat and it was a really nice evening for us all.

I find it easier on my own. I’m no longer resentful, angry and anxious. I’m not looking after a grown adult.

Now when I’m doing everything on my own it’s on my terms for the people I love most in all the world.

There will be time for you if your DCs father takes responsibility for them. Not all do, and that’s frustrating and very hard.

Even if you end up carrying all the load, try not to carry anger and frustration with your XP. I’m not saying let him off the hook, but he will be the father he is going to be - good or bad.

There’s some happiness to be had in being a small family unit, just you and your DCs.

You’re in the worst of it right now. It’s emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting dealing with separation. I found counselling really helpful in how I dealt with XH.

Good luck.

@queeniebees

I only ask as DH and i went through a rocky patch after DD2 was born. I hated everything about him at the time. I would have sold him to the nearest woman for £1 and she might have got some change! But we got through it, things got better. If you can give it a little more time, I would. You owe it to your DC to give it your best shot, but only you know your relationship.

I am so sorry you are feeling blue, and as your kids get older it will get easier.

But surely your DP is going to shoulder some of the responsibility? Don't let him get away from HIS parenting too.

DP doesn't have his own place now he's moving out, he'll be moving in with his parents and there'll be no room for 2 children there - I don't think I'd be comfortable sending them there either. His current wage as he's started a new job wouldn't stretch further than a crappy 1 bed flat or a house share so not sure how happy I'd be sending them there either. Not sure what to do in that aspect!

Does he have to move out?

Just take a moment and calm down. You don't have to have all the answers and everything sorted out today. Just take it one day at a time.

You will have time to yourself when your ex is spending time with his kids. How much time he spends with them is up to you both, but don't feel that you have to shoulder everything yourself. Not being a couple doesn't mean he's not still their parent too.

Plus, you won't have all the stress of worrying about making your relationship 'work'. You'll probably find it easier to be honest.

I'm not a mom, however, I support you and I know you can do this! DH's mom was a single parent and she raised 3 children whilst working and going to university. She is an amazing lady and raised an amazing son and family. You can do this, OP! Have courage and strength. You've got this. For you,

Three years ago, my ex partner and I decided to split. Our children were 5 and 4mo. I was terrified but....

Omg life was soooo much better. No more resentment, or annoyance when I woke up and he stayed in bed/made a mess/didn’t come home etc
My children were happy, I was happy. My ex was happy.

The time away from the kids was the bit I was dreading the most, but the me time was something I needed - and something the kids love.

Now, I’m engaged and a baby with my new partner - although I never anticipated a new relationship at all.

Good luck - it isn’t easy and there will be bumps - but worth it completely

I think you need to take each day as it comes. You haven't sorted out any of the basic details of your split yet so you can't see how things can work out.

You might also have to lower your expectations with regards to where your DH might want to take the DC once he has left. He is entitled to time with them and you can't really have any say on where he takes them unless you believe them to be hugely at risk in some way. I have never been in this position but have been around MN long enough to see this causes a lot of anxiety for many once they have split.

Is he good with the children? Or is he just another child?

Honestly, being a single parent can be hard at times, but easier with no man-child to contend with. The trick is to stay as organised as possible and get the kids to help out where they can. You will be fine!

Having known people in this situation it's worked out pretty well for them when they've been able to share the childcare as they both get regular child free days and nights. I wouldn't have wanted this and would echo what people have said about making absolutely, completely sure there is no way forward for you as a couple before taking this step. But if this is the case, there are many positives, foremost of which may well be you and their Dad both being happier, which is of course good for the DC.

I split with DH in October. He is living in our caravan and whilst it is actually a really lovely and expensive caravan that we'd all happily holiday in during January our DD is reluctant to overnight with him during the week. I put that down to him screwing it up the first time by not having a proper dinner for her, not having something available for her breakfast and then them being late for school. apparently she had to be peeled off him howling by the headteacher and helped into class. She stays overnight on Friday and he has her until lunchtime Saturday (he could have her longer but chooses not to).

It IS hard during the week. I have a full time job (work from home but it is a professional role with often long hours). I now have sole control of a kid, a dog and all the house stuff. We (I have done everything) are selling the house to access the equity, I am buying a new house which is cheaper due to needing LOTS of work doing to it which I am dreading. For the first month or so DD was a mess so I spent a lot of time mopping up tears and providing cuddles and talking over the whats whys and wherefores with her. Trying to fit in walking the dog was tough as DD HATED it and refused to come and is only 7 so can't be left home alone... DH did very little when he lived here but what he did do was be in the house with DD when I needed to go out and do things so she wasn't always dragged along and he did the school run.

I've spoken to work and flexed my working day to accommodate school pick ups and drop offs. DD has got used to (and now really enjoys) the dog walks. She and I are SO much closer and she has really stepped up to help me out with little things like putting her laundry in the hamper and laying the table. It is still hard to fit everything in and the house is a tip until Saturday morning when I clean up but it is a happy tip. It is a house of laughter and fun now.

Honestly it is better without him even if it isn't actually easier!

My ex left when I was pregnant with my second. I was on my own from the day I got out of hospital with my newborn and also had a 5 year old. He doesn't bother with either children so I'm on my own with them 99% of the time (my parents sometimes babysit). It's hard, it's lonely buts it's a million times easier than the burden of a shit partner as well.

I have my routine and it's manageable. I don't get to do as much as I would like socially, go out with friends, go to the gym etc (my parents help out where they can but they both work so I don't ask often). My house isn't as tidy as I would like as my toddler is clingy and destructive so it's hard to get stuff done unless someone can sit with her. Money is hard as I'm unemployed (ex doesn't pay anything either) but I make it work. My children are happy and have everything they need. I come last but I know it's not forever and when I start college things will start looking up. I would choose this life rather than the life I would have had if my ex hadn't left.

It will be hard at first but once you establish a routine and get used to being a single parent it will get easier. Good luck.

Is the relationship definitely over? You say there is nothing in particularly wrong but your not getting on. I'd say that is true of most couples with young DCs. It exhausting, draining and messes with your head.

But if he is difficult to live with, then you now don't have to live with him. He will have the kids a 1 day a week. This is your time off. As they get a bit older and can do a night with him, you can have evening out, date etc.

Do you have anywhere else to stay so you could try "nesting" for a while? E.g. you move to somewhere else EOW and your ExP moves in for that weekend so your DCs can have proper contact, i.e. it's the parent who move between homes instead of the DC. It's not a good solution longer term but can work for a bit whilst the dust settles and your exP might eventually be able to sort something else out regarding his living arrangements. And you can get a break.