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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays and step families

37 replies

timelord92 · 10/01/2019 09:11

Posting here for traffic really!

How do people navigate holidays within stepfamilies?

I have a step daughter who stays in ours every saturday night till 6pm Sunday and Monday night. She’s 15. We also have an 18 month old child together.

When we do go anywhere we take them both so my step daughter doesn’t feel pushed out.

Is it unreasonable of me to want a bit of alone time with just my own child? To also be able to go on a cheap break during term time aswell, whereas at the moment everything is based around my step daughters schedule. We would still go on a holiday with my step daughter included in it. But if I wanted to go for a little break with just my child my DP doesn’t like the idea of his child not being included.

The issue is that whenever my step daughter is here we are more stressed and walk on egg shells as her mother causes issues which are brought to our house. I feel like I should be able to do something with my child without all the stress in the background.

I’ve seen a few threads where people have said to take your child alone and the DP can take his child but he wouldn’t take her on his own. I could go with my mum with the baby but then does that mean that my child would not get to holiday with her dad at all without the stress.

Also, my step daughter never goes away on holiday with her mum although she is going abroad this year with her mums side of the family on her own.

Step family life is so difficult and issues are brought up that in a usual family setup wouldn’t even be thought of.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/01/2019 09:13

if You ever have another child would you be happy to leave one st home (who wants to come) and take the other with you? That’s what your asking your husband to do.

CarolDanvers · 10/01/2019 09:15

I don’t think you are being unreasonable actually, not at all.

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 10/01/2019 09:16

While I understand what you are saying, I think it's something you should have considered you wouldn't be able to do before having a child with someone who already has a daughter. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear but if she was your 15 year old you wouldn't dream of leaving we behind. I'm not a step parent but I have a 9 year old & a 3 year old and I certainly wouldn't go on holiday without the 9 year old so the 3 year old got her parents to herself & we could get cheaper holiday. Effectively the same thing in my eyes as she is your DH's daughter.

Houseonahill · 10/01/2019 09:23

Does a 15 year old even want to go on holiday with her dad her stepmum and a baby? I think I would have rather gnawed my arm off at that age.

potatoscone · 10/01/2019 09:24

Is it unreasonable of me to want a bit of alone time with just my own child?

Presumably you have ample opportunity for that during the times she is not with you.

I would ALWAYS include a step child. If the tables were turned and your DC ended up with a step mother I assume you would expect their father to include them?

VampirinaHauntley · 10/01/2019 09:32

I can’t see the problem personally - especially considering the age gap between them.

Have a holiday with the toddler and a holiday with the toddler and the stepdaughter. It’s only an issue if you never take her at all.

If she lived with you all the time then I can see why people would say it’s horrible to leave her behind - but she doesn’t - so it’s not.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/01/2019 09:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable - but that is why I am not, and could never be, a stepmother.

I'm not a big enough person.

If you take on a man with a child, then you take on a man - with a child. If you're not willing to take on the child, you shouldn't go into it. End of.

PleaseLetMummySleep · 10/01/2019 09:39

I would have a short break without DSD. If you think she'll be upset best not to tell her tho or go somewhere very very baby focussed that she wouldn't enjoy. You're lucky in that the 18 month old won't be able to verbalise that he has been on holiday anyway.

This will only be an issue for a year or so then she won't want to join you so not worth causing a fuss over.

PleaseLetMummySleep · 10/01/2019 09:40

If you do tell her downplay the trip to her g say it's just a quick weekend away and that you're looking forward to your big holiday with her.

BIgBagofJelly · 10/01/2019 09:40

Like a past poster said if you have another child you'll be restricted in what you can do because of the older child. One child will be in school meaning you can't just take the younger on a term time break.

I do sympathise because step families are tricky and it sounds like the situation is particularly difficult because of tension with your DSD's mum. I do think it's reasonable to have time purely focused on your younger child though (just as your DH should have 1-1 time with his older child). It's important for both kids to get the benefit of undivided attention and the kind of day to suit a toddler is hardly going to be ideal for a teenager and vice versa.

BIgBagofJelly · 10/01/2019 09:41

If you do go away I like the PP suggestion of a baby focused trip - during the week when she wouldn't be with you anyway.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/01/2019 09:43

the kind of day to suit a toddler is hardly going to be ideal for a teenager and vice versa.

So what do families with large age gaps do? Just leave one kid home alone?

KarineAimee · 10/01/2019 09:47

Could you go to something baby focused with your LO that your teenager wouldn’t be interested in? I know Butlins do short breaks for babies/toddlers, for example, and think they are in term time. Then maybe offer to take your DSD to a theme park or something in the holidays and leave your LO with GPs for the day (if possible). That way you are doing something fun and age appropriate with each DC and no one will, hopefully, feel left out.

Blondienut · 10/01/2019 09:50

So hard to navigate and keep everyone happy so I really feel for you. My advice from experience would be balance. Your world and family can not stop when step daughter is not with you but equally you don't want her to feel left out. Given the wide age gap too I think it's a little easier to justify some separate breaks. Could you go for a couple of mini breaks with you and dh and the youngest but still plan a main family holiday with step daughter? It is simply impossible to treat everyone the exact same when you don't have your step daughter with you all the time and trying to will only cause you stress and heartache over not achieving it. Yes she is totally of equal value in the family but logistics dictate an inability to do everything together. I have 2 step children as well as 2 from previous relationship. We do s mix of everything- away all together, away just with my 2 , dh away alone with his 2 for couple of days, me away alone with mine and most importantly don't forget some couple time away alone with no kids!!!!

ShalomJackie · 10/01/2019 10:08

We have a blended family and a child together. we have done varying holidays from just our joint child, together with my child and DS's and then some with just DS's child with our joint child.

It depends where we are going, what else the older children have going on in their lives, whether they are away with their other parents etc. Not everyone has to be joined at the hip all the time.

Not everything has to be exactly equal.

Enjoy a midweek break with your DP and child.

Pachyderm1 · 10/01/2019 10:29

I think YABU. You’re a blended family now - that’s what you signed up for, and it’s a full time commitment. You can’t just put it on hold when you want to be a ‘nuclear family’ for a while.

I don’t think you would like it if your husband asked you to go away with him and your SD, leaving your baby behind, because he wanted time with his other child only. Or if got divorced and had another baby with someone else, and your new partner wanted you to leave your current baby behind on holiday.

spudlet7 · 10/01/2019 10:32

Having been the stepchild in this situation, don't go without her. It feels shit, no matter the reasoning.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 10/01/2019 10:35

YABVU. You would never dream of leaving your own child behind and if your child were in the same situation and were left behind by their father and stepmother you’d be rightfully upset.

You signed up for a man with a child, that means you have to incorporate said child into everything. You can’t just leave her out when it doesn’t suit.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 10/01/2019 10:38

We have 5 children in our family.... sometimes we take the two oldest away, sometimes we take the three youngest, sometimes we only take mine, sometimes we only take his. So long as it evens out and no ones feelings are hurt, these things don’t need to be complicated x

Laloup1 · 10/01/2019 10:39

It’s perfectly reasonable to do what you want when you don’t have your DSD. My DSD’s mum and her siblings don’t stop living when she is with us and likewise, we do what’s right for us when she is with her mum.

KeiTeNgeNge · 10/01/2019 10:56

Take your child on holiday when she is off on her holiday

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/01/2019 10:59

If you want to go away not in term time look now for something after she has taken her GCSE's and before the summer holidays. When you're away look for places you can take the baby and your partner can take their daughter, that way you bother get 1:1 time too. Not ideal I know.

MotherOfDragons90 · 10/01/2019 16:34

Slightly different situation as I was a bit older (16) but my Dad went on holidays with my step mum and her children (not me or sister). I couldn’t go due to various things but It didn’t really bother me.

If you’re going away during term time with DSD anyway she will still get a holiday. I don’t see the issue. I’d be making the most of being able to holiday during term time!

What about a UK break where your DSD could join you for the weekend?

MotherOfDragons90 · 10/01/2019 16:36

Going away outside term time with her I meant

Dotty1970 · 10/01/2019 16:42

Ynbu we did this; went on holidays as normal like your saying you'll still do but take the little ones away whilst we could in term time for a few days.