Holidays and step families

[timelord92]

Posting here for traffic really!

How do people navigate holidays within stepfamilies?

I have a step daughter who stays in ours every saturday night till 6pm Sunday and Monday night. She’s 15. We also have an 18 month old child together.

When we do go anywhere we take them both so my step daughter doesn’t feel pushed out.

Is it unreasonable of me to want a bit of alone time with just my own child? To also be able to go on a cheap break during term time aswell, whereas at the moment everything is based around my step daughters schedule. We would still go on a holiday with my step daughter included in it. But if I wanted to go for a little break with just my child my DP doesn’t like the idea of his child not being included.

The issue is that whenever my step daughter is here we are more stressed and walk on egg shells as her mother causes issues which are brought to our house. I feel like I should be able to do something with my child without all the stress in the background.

I’ve seen a few threads where people have said to take your child alone and the DP can take his child but he wouldn’t take her on his own. I could go with my mum with the baby but then does that mean that my child would not get to holiday with her dad at all without the stress.

Also, my step daughter never goes away on holiday with her mum although she is going abroad this year with her mums side of the family on her own.

Step family life is so difficult and issues are brought up that in a usual family setup wouldn’t even be thought of.

YANBU at all. Have you and DP never had a night away just the two of you?

Her Mum gets time to herself, you should too, and that can include your baby. DP ISBVU. She's 15. Give her some money to have a trip away with her mates and you have some time the three of you.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all, particularly due to the huge age gap between the children a 15 year old wont be interested in doing the same thing a 18 month old would be. That would be perfectly normal in a non blended family too.
Definately take your child away if you want to go somewhere more aimed at their age bracket.
They are only young once!

I see where you are coming from, but you did know what you were signing up for. On the other hand, I would give it a couple of years max. At 17 or so she won't want to go with the family, she'll want to go with her friends etc...

You can't exclude her, it's just mean. Imagine if your partner was with someone else and didn't want to take your child away with his new children.

Once she is 16-17 she probably won't want to come anyway given the option. It's only for another year or two.

Some people here are posting as the parents of step-children/blended families and say it’s ok. They’re not the children so cannot know. I can tell you it feels shit to feel left out and I wouldn’t do it to a child. As far as I’m concerned if you choose to have a child with a man who already has one you can’t expect time with “your little family” and things like that. You have that during the week without your DSD.
You have the gap between end of GCSE’s and the end of term you could take her out of school for a holiday if you’re that bothered about going out of holidays.

YABVU, you can't ask him to exclude his child just because it suits you. She's already going to have all sorts of feelings and emotions about a half sibling without you making it clear to her your child is now your only focus. I'd have been furious with the suggestion.

You and baby going away fine but if dad goes he should include both his children.

You have plenty of alone time with your chid given his daughter doesn't reside with you.

As a step-child who had this situation, it was awful to be left out.

There may be subconscious jealousy and sadness that her step sibling gets to go on holidays with both parents of which she will never get to do and (maybe) didn’t do as a child/teen.

Her family life already doesn’t sound ideal (with her mother) you don’t want to make it worse by leaving her out of holidays etc.

I think you could work things out in a way that reflects theie age and interests but talk it through with her and maybe it doesnt replace the family holiday but is a mini break based on each child stage
her stage of family holidays is likely to be shorter so maybe dh goes somewhere with her - something v teenage orientated - maybe a gig+hotel, or comicon or theatre based thing depending on what shes interested in....
maybe if that goes ok then you do a mini trip to somewhere like peppa pig world later when your LO is a bit older so able to get more out of it anyway....
then family holiday together.....
but you and baby could go away anyway ... and maybe go away whilst shes away with her mums family - as long as you dont plaster it all over SM and make a big fuss of it she will probably not be that bothered....I think you just need to be mindful that she probably has not had teh best time as a child if her parents relationship is stressful and at 15 is quite upset her her dad has a new baby .....
and she gets another mini trip orientated round what she likes....maybe just her n dh or all of you together

Hmm, I haven’t read the whole thread, but just my perspective as a mum of kids who are step kids - but I’m not a stepmum, and I have other kids with their stepdad.

For clarity set up is DC1 and DC2 are the kids of me and Xh. I have DC3 and DC4 and Xh has DC5. 1&2 live with me and DH and 3&4. They go to stay with XH (and stepmum and DC5) every other weekend and half the holidays.

I would never go on holiday without them, but they are with us most of the time. However, their dad probably does have at least weekends away without them or mini-breaks and they don’t really care. They’re not there anyway, so they don’t feel like they’re missing out.

If it’s only the odd weekend away, or term time when they wouldn’t be with you anyway, I suspect it would be fine. As long as she’s not particularly aware, and not made to feel left out. However if your SH won’t, that’s another matter and totally understandable.

These situations are difficult - but presumably the stepchildren do nice/fun things when they’re not with their father? I think you need to aim for fair rather than exactly equal....(which you do with full siblings in any case - sometimes you do take one out and not the other if, say, school timings work that way. Or if one wants to do something the other doesn’t. Or if one is out at a friend’s house etc etc). I’d go on the holiday and then do something with your SD when she’s off school.

I have one DSS11 and one DS2. I would take a short break away with DS and DH but not at the cost of time we could spend wwith DSS.
I.E. DH and I get 20 days annual leave a year. If DSS Mum is prepared to let us have him for 20 working days worth of holiday time then we’d prefer to spend the time together. Some years that hasn’t worked out and in that case we use up any remaining annual leave we have on a short break just the three of us.

There’s a world of difference between “leaving a child behind” who lives with you and simply going on a trip when that child is with her own mother.