To think it’s perfectly ok to leave your home town

[Deadbudgie]

For context I left home about 25 years ago to go to univetsity - I’ve had a couple of years back in home town, but mainly lived about 50 miles away. DH also left home at 18 but had moved around a lot as a kid.

Now most of our friends here are also not from here. We all travel round to see various people. Christmas is a nightmare for most. With everyone expecting you to travel round.

Now it’s not a problem, or wouldn’t be if others also made the effort. But when we say “you should come and see us” we get “it’s a long way”, “we’ve got quite a lot on” “DH preferstp be at home”, mention moving Christmas to ours “we like to be at home at Christmas”. Well you know what all those things apply to us too. If we dare to stay at home we get “when are you coming up” “we’ve not see you in ages” “x sees her daughter everyday”.

When we’ve mentioned the travelling and unpacking got too much (we did 4 towns and over 1000 miles in less than a week at Christmas) we get “well that’s what you get for moving away from home” like it’s domething that should be punished. As part of our travelling we asked people to drive between 20-40 min to meet up so we didn’t have to do yet more travelling. Always excuses followed by but come to ours for dinner - we’ve not seen you in ages.

Yet friends who have moved away from home have no issue taking turns for visits.

This year we’ve said we will not be travelling to see anyone (with the exception of elderly people who can’t travel) who doesn’t make the effort to see us. Next Christmas we are spending the full week at home. Aibu to think people who have never lived outside their home town have some weird fear of actually travelling to see others

It's a generalisation, but I find the people who've never left 'their' town to be particularly narrow-minded and boring and the fact they are reluctant to get off their arse and travel themselves shows they are not that bothered if they see you or not. Just cross them off your list and spend the time with your own close family and the new friends you've made on your travels.

It's difficult, isn't it?

My DP is in this situation - two of her siblings never left home and the other lives 10 minutes away; her aunt is about 20 minutes away, etc. It's really hard for her family to get their minds around it, and for some reason they seem to assume that because we're coming from a distance, we can drop work at a moment's notice too.

We'll try to make plans well in advance but still get a lot of 'oh well, I changed my shift at work so you'll have to come tomorrow'. One time when we actually got DP's sister to come to us, she turned up 8 hours early saying 'oh, is DP working today?! Can't she come home now?'.

Where I grew up the people who moved back home/never left are mostly those who are struggling financially or had their children very young. I always saw moving away as the obvious thing you would try to do. But it does have downsides when you have sick parents getting older, too. There's no easy solution.

Aibu to think people who have never lived outside their home town have some weird fear of actually travelling to see others

In my experience those people who have never left their home town tend to have a restricted view of the world, especially if their parents and wider family had the same experience ... I had lived in my home town until my mid-20s but had been away to uni and my family was scatter about. Some of my colleagues were shocked when I got a job 10 miles down the road and bought a house nearby. Anyone would have thought i was moving to the moon!

Time to stop the nonsense of travelling around trying to please others at Christmas. I’ve found there are very few people in the world who would put themselves out for me and my wife and kids so I don’t do it for them.

People just think they can rip the piss and use duty and obligation to force you to live your life in a way that suits them.

I left for over 10 years and came back. I think it’s different when you live in a large city with so many different areas and about 30 mins away from where I grew up. The opportunities here are great. I think it’s odd for people to stay within the same area where they grew up as they seem very ‘local’ and I see that with people I went to school with and they’ve all married one another! Lol.

Of course it is ok. I personally haven't but that's because I am very close with my parents and don't want to move away from them. I also really like where I live - 2 minutes walk to the beach, 5 minutes in the other direction to the countryside, 30 minute commute to the nearest city, and very safe.

But my DH moved from the other side of the country, as did his family. His dad lives 2 hours away.
My friends have all moved, with my best friend being 2 hours away. She is coming back soon though (yay).

Nothing wrong with not wanting to travel either. We are putting our foot down with it next year, because despite having 11 days off work over Xmas, I wasn't well rested. Too much running around to see others.

Of course it's ok, and should in fact be compulsory at least for 5 years (uni isn't properly "moving away" especially if you return to your parents every holiday, so doesn't really count unless you move out properly imo).

Time to stop the nonsense of travelling around trying to please others at Christmas.

This

Totally agree about the sort of people who have never moved away. (The honourable exception to this is gimmeadoughnut as if I lived 2 mins from the beach I wouldnt have moved either!!)

I think it would be perfectly fine to put your foot down and not travel. Privately make note of the ones who simply cannot stir beyond the end of their road and cross them of your list. Why should you make all the effort and them none?

I wonder if they feel that you are subconsciously judging them for ther parochialism and so trying to punish you somehow?!

I'm racking my brains to try and think if I know anyone who lives in their hometown. Not even my parents (that live in my hometown) were born or raised there. I actually don't think I know anyone, I know people in London but they've moved around the city over the years.

I live a long way from my parents and other family and we don't do all this pleasing of others, driving around the country.

Both DH and I live away from our hometowns, I am from Bristol and he is from Newcastle but live in Nottingham. So opposite ends of the country.

Tbh I do feel guilty that we moved away so I do try and make the effort to visit, but I really welcome and encourage visitors to see us. Thankfully we see a few childhood friends, however family is less so.

We decided to bite the bullet and try and see as much family as possibe over the Christmas period instead of staying at home. Had Christmas with my parents in Bristol, left on Boxing to day and we spent time in Cardiff, Manchester, South Yorkshire visiting family before arriving at PIL in Newcastle for NYE getting on the 3rd.

It was not hell but really exhausting and I only have just recovered. I did however enjoy spending time with family.

I understand what you're saying but, as someone who moved away for 12 years and then moved back, i don't find I see people that more often than I did when I was away. They either make the effort or they don't, it's just if you've moved way they use that as an excuse. If you were closer it'd probably still be you doing all the visiting and making all the plans but you wouldn't notice it as much.

It I perfectly normal and OK, I found the same attitude from English family members and I moved away to Scotland as a child so had no choice. We always have to go down and are expected to do so or else we'd never see them. Never had a visit from family down there except my nana but now she is getting on a bit which is understandable.

Blueskies - love your idea of moving away being compulsory 😁.

Definitely stopping the travelling in such a short space of time next year. My DH has to travel hundreds of miles with work each week so often stays away. A week of no travel for him is really necessary to chill.

Oh OP I hear you.
I left 20 years ago and apart from seeing my family there (3 people) O have no desire to visit
It is abroad with no airports nearby
It is expensive and difficult to get there

I wonder if everyone there has loads of spare cash. Drives me nuts.
10 years ago I would still go for weddings/ Christmas... each time would cost me around £600

And even friend who had never travel abroad or visited me would pester with "you havent come for a while" "when are you coming?" "Enough is enough"

WTAF
My husband is not fit to travel atm and they are still asking

We can't afford it anyway.

Ahhhhh

You’ve only moved 50 miles away. It’s nkt really that far.

@Ifailed completely agree!

It's like everything outside of that area is wrong and different and it should be there way. I also agree that those who never leave their hometown are quite narrow minded. It's sad that they can only see where they are and to be honest, they normally see their town through rose tinted glasses.

Well of course there is nothing wrong with leaving your home town but a the same time there is no need to sneer at those who chose to stay in the town they grew up in ,horses for courses

I struggle a bit with this too, I hate my home town, I wished my parents had moved away when they retired, they are not from there and moved there for my dad’s job over 40 years ago. I see school friends that never moved, some in the same village, they seem happy.

My folks haven’t visited us in over four years, my dsis in over six, we go to them.

It seems a common attitude amongst people who stayed in their home town. My DParents travel to see my dads family every year. They stay in a hotel about 20minutes away as there isn’t space at his brothers or sisters house as they often have their own kids and grandkids visiting for Christmas. They’ve done this now every year for 40 years. Last year they suggested that rather than them spending a day driving round to each family, could everyone come to them at the hotel and they’d book a room for a meal? They would pay, so the only inconvenience to the other family members would be a 20minute drive (nothing compared to the 4 hours my parents would have driven).
Excuses ranged from “oh, I don’t like driving that far” to “I normally go to Waitrose on Thursdays”........

Some people that have never left home seem to feel that there should be a punishment for those that did, particularly if they have done well out of it (my dad moved to get a good job, his brothers and sisters all stayed home village where there was very little work and none of it well paid)

I would love to go away for Christmas, but those that have moved away expect to come and stay then and are most offended to think I might not host. I wish they'd come a couple of weeks later.

It's NBU to refuse and by the way, that is a ridiculous amount of travelling over the festive season. You must have been exhausted. Treat yourselves without guilt next time and send cards with catchup messages and stay in your own home.

I think if you moved the onus is slightly on you to visit but not every time. If both parties moved its equal, or try to go back at the same time and all meet up.

I left the town I was raised in, to live over a hundred miles away, about ten years ago now. I couldn’t imagine staying in one place my whole life (and especially not that place), but there was a mentality that I was expected to because it’s what people there did. The teachers had all taught the parents of the new kids coming in, for example, everyone knew everyone and leaving just wasn’t something you did. I do think there’s an element that sees leaving as a bad thing, and therefore it’s all on you to ‘make it right’ to a degree by being the one to always make the effort to ‘come back’.

I don’t personally understand the mentality of those who never leave their hometowns because it’s so alien to what was driving me, but then the same can absolutely be said in reverse.

I’ve never been back to mine, I’m estranged from the family I have there so it makes it easier in that respect.

I hear you OP.

DH and I both moved away from our respective homes for university and have stayed in the same general area since (with the exception of a few years on an overseas placement.)

Both families are a day’s travel away in different directions - one involves 10-12 hours in the car (or a plane journey and then car hire so prohibitively expensive), and the other involves 5 hours in the car and then a boat journey followed by another hour in the car.

For the last 20 years we have travelled “home” a lot. I take the DC on my own to my family while DH stays at home/work so we tend to see my family 2/3 times a year. I still have friends back home, and my DC have built up friendships there too so going to visit is a choice rather than a duty. DH has never taken the DC on his own to his family (and I don’t work so no real reason to except that his family drive me nuts!), so we only get down to see them maybe once every 2-3 years. We used to go down once a year at least but it got too much. Visiting them is definitely a duty! (Although the DC get on very well with their cousins)

My family never come to visit us but they don’t get at us either. DH’s family, on the other hand, think we are terrible. DH is the only one from 3 generations who has moved away from the small town he is from and I honestly think MIL thinks he did it deliberately! (He’s also the only one to have gone to university and to have a professional job and I think that colours their views somewhat.)

MIL comes up once a year as does FIL - BILs/SILs and their kids never come - in the 25 years DH has lived here they have only been once - for our wedding. When we lived abroad MIL cried and told people we were taking her grandchildren away from her. (we travelled back once a year when we were abroad so they saw us no less than they do now.) DH’s uncle also questioned why we came back to visit our home city when we were abroad? Surely the only 2 places we needed to go were the home towns we’d grown up in - he genuinely couldn’t understand why we’d go back to visit the place we’d lived in for 20 years, where our DC were born and where we would be returning to once the secondment was over.

Narrow minded doesn’t even begin to cover it. They aren’t bad people - just had a very small field of vision for their whole lives.