To think it’s perfectly ok to leave your home town

[Deadbudgie]

For context I left home about 25 years ago to go to univetsity - I’ve had a couple of years back in home town, but mainly lived about 50 miles away. DH also left home at 18 but had moved around a lot as a kid.

Now most of our friends here are also not from here. We all travel round to see various people. Christmas is a nightmare for most. With everyone expecting you to travel round.

Now it’s not a problem, or wouldn’t be if others also made the effort. But when we say “you should come and see us” we get “it’s a long way”, “we’ve got quite a lot on” “DH preferstp be at home”, mention moving Christmas to ours “we like to be at home at Christmas”. Well you know what all those things apply to us too. If we dare to stay at home we get “when are you coming up” “we’ve not see you in ages” “x sees her daughter everyday”.

When we’ve mentioned the travelling and unpacking got too much (we did 4 towns and over 1000 miles in less than a week at Christmas) we get “well that’s what you get for moving away from home” like it’s domething that should be punished. As part of our travelling we asked people to drive between 20-40 min to meet up so we didn’t have to do yet more travelling. Always excuses followed by but come to ours for dinner - we’ve not seen you in ages.

Yet friends who have moved away from home have no issue taking turns for visits.

This year we’ve said we will not be travelling to see anyone (with the exception of elderly people who can’t travel) who doesn’t make the effort to see us. Next Christmas we are spending the full week at home. Aibu to think people who have never lived outside their home town have some weird fear of actually travelling to see others

We moved away.
We don't get many visitors (unless someone last minute needs a bed because they need to be in our city for something - they rarely come just to see us).

Our weekends are absolutely full so we cannot travel most of the time. "Down home" is 2.5 hours away, with 20 minutes between DPs and DMIL.

My family will come as they are used to travel and often come to the city so stay with us - and give us less grief about going back home. Interestingly, both my DPs moved away from home after Uni/marriage, in fact they were overseas for a couple of years as well, so they understand it.

Whereas DPILs never moved. DFIL would travel up, and DMIL came with him, but now that he's gone (even though she has the free travel) DMIL will not come to our house. She has been once since he died 3 years ago. She will visit her DD over 2 hours away in another direction - but DSIL has to drive "home" and collect her, or else DBIL will drive DMIL down and visit his DSis at the same time, and one of them must drive DMIL back home after the visit. Even after DSIL had DC2 earlier this year, and DMIL was bringing her car (well DBIL was driving it - but DMIL would have it to go around locally there), that fell through so DSIL was driving DMIL around daily instead on her "helpful" visit (after a csec).

DMIL has not been on a train since before DFIL got sick. It would be door to door as DBIL would see her onto the train, and DH or I would collect her at the other end - public transport (which is free for her) works great, as my DPs get 1 train to the main station, then the mainline train, then 1 bus from that to 10 minutes from our house and I collect them by car there - DMIL lives along that first train line, but we would not expect her to have that complication.

DMILs age? Elderly, decrepid, disabled???? No, a sprightly 72, active in choir, keeps chickens, a dog and a cat, minds the 3 DGCs living next door constantly, drives herself around happily locally, ......just set in her ways and with a great Irish "mammy guilt" tradition to boot which is unleashed on poor DH constantly (every time he does get home, there is a long list of jobs needing doing - DH works FT, travels constantly, only gets home every 2-3 months - yet his DB works 3 days/week, and is a profession to do many of these jobs, but is always "too busy" - guess who is the eldest?!!).

Sorry, rant over....

Being told "that's what you get for moving away" infuriates me.

Why does moving away make me completely responsible for maintaining the relationship forever more? Yes I chose to move, but relationships are supposed to be a two-way street of give and take. If you want to carry on seeing me then there has to be some effort from your side as well.

Obviously there are exceptions to this - if you've emigrated to the other side of the world then it's fair that friends and relatives may not be in the financial position to travel to see you. But that also works both ways - not all émigrés have the cash and annual leave available to 'pop back' to the UK every other year!

Likewise elderly or ill friends and relatives are unlikely to be able to travel, so it's a fair expectation from them, but again, it needs to be realistic about how often you can see them. If you live some distance away then visiting is expensive and cannot always be done that regularly - travel, accommodation, meals out, gifts, time off work.

It's a touchy subject. I live 300 miles away from my parents and siblings and have done for the last 18 years. I try and visit them 4-6 times a year, staying for a few nights for each visit (in a hotel nearby so they don't have the hassle of putting me up). Over the course of those 18 years, my siblings have never visited me and my parents (retired at the time I moved away) have managed three visits (hotel stays, the last two paid for by me). My DM is in poor health now so cannot travel, which is fair enough but it took them 5 years before they managed the first visit. Yet I was on the receiving end of constant guilt trips about how they didn't see me enough and that I needed to make more effort.

I'd better step off my soapbox now

Oh and don't get me started on DH's family, who are 50 miles away but have NEVER visited, despite being retired, able to drive and mobile. Who knew the motorway was one-way only? Clearly it's never occurred to them about how we manage to get back!

I completely understand OP. I've moved about 30 mins away from my home town and my friends seem to think I've moved to a different country. They also don't seem to understand that i've made a life for myself here and I have very little time or affection for my home town ( other than visiting elderly relatives)
One friend is currently annoyed with me because she suggested I have my birthday night out in my home town but i've said i'd rather do something more local to me as it means more of my friends can come.....i've offered her the spare room and a taxi isn't that expensive ( i've done it a few times this last year) but apparently i'm the unreasonable one.

Blueskies is right, it should be compulsory.

If you think moving towns is tough, try countries. Christmas logistics are either a nightmare or totally abandoned.

It's ok to move away, it's ok to stay put.
What's not ok is putting a label on all who stay.
I moved away from my home town to live in my H's home town. We now live across the road from where he grew up.
But we regularly travel 100 miles at Christmas to visit family, and have, on more than one occasion, travelled 9000 miles to visit other family at different festival times.

I’m glad it’s not just us. It wouldn’t e so bad if it was just my family/friends but DHs parents and sibling live 200 miles away in the other direction (south) his childhood friends 100 miles northwest and other friends (who do visit us) 150 miles sout east. Literally scattered to the 4corners!

Everyone knows I’ve been really struggling with a diagnosis of ptsd and depression this year DH nearly died for a serious illness last year and still has some lasting effects but we’re still expected to travel. It really was the “what do you expect if you dare move away” thing that got to me. Anyone seen American werewolf in London - I’m sure the slaughtered lamb was modelled on my hometown local😁

I think it's a bit of a cultural/generational thing. If you come from a generation or culture where it's expected you'll stay in your home town then if someone deviates from that path it's seen as their responsibility to do the legwork at Christmas, birthdays etc.

For lots of people nowadays the norm is to move towns within the UK so since it's expected you won't be living in the town you grew up in people are happy to travel to see you if on the other hand you move countries then it's seen as your responsibility to travel back to see friends and family.

People expecting you to make all the effort - to the point of staying in a hotel so as not to inconvenience them by having to put you up?!! - are basically cheeky f&&kers. It's up to you whether you let them guilt trip you into making all the effort while they make none. I wouldn't do it unless I wanted to. In the past this has been me, doing all the running, but as my DC have gotten older trips to the grandparents are fewer as the DC have their own things going on. DPs know they are always welcome and have visited now and again (4 hour journey). There is no way I could listen to someone berate me for not making the effort when it's not a two way street!!! Moving away from one's home town may not be the norm but it is COMPLETELY normal. I guess it will become even more standard given how many people go to Uni these days.

What really annoys me is the fact my parents live in a 4 bed house but no spare room for us! Brother lives near them 3bed house 1 child no spare room. We’re expected to either sleep on 4 blow up bed or stay in hotel (nearest pet friendly one is 8 miles away. Pil better only in fact hotel is closer! Just had enough.

Oh and blow up beds are in the lounge. 6 year old has to stay up til everyone goes to bed!

Stop enabling them - tell them you want to stay with them or you won't be coming to see them. My DP's suggested we use a hotel once and I said no. I was clear about what is and isn't acceptable when we've made a long journey to see them. Could you tell your family that you have decided it would be nicer to stay with them as you'll have more time together? Assuming you'd prefer to do this of course.

Dh and I are both from a big city and moved to another city 2 hours away for specific work reasons.

In the beginning we came back to visit our home city every month and raced from one end of it to the other trying to catch up with everyone properly. This was exhausting.

Some of our friends could not get used to the idea of having to make firm plans with us or meeting us half way, e.g. city centre. It was as if they thought we had just moved to a different suburb - not to a new city where it takes us two hours just to get to the home city and costs x10 as much.

We have to prioritise elderly family members on our visits, who can be demanding or resentful that we have moved away, and we just don't have time/money to stay overnight in six separate areas of the city or in hotels for several nights every month!

The friends we keep up with now are the ones who are happy to meet us centrally sometimes and who also visit us in our new city. The others I see on Facebook...

What @ifailed said.

This does demonstrate the two tribes of Brexit, doesn't it? The 'Somewheres' and The 'Anywheres'!

My own parents, like many born in the '30s, grew up in parochial villages where everyone stays forever.

They married and left in '58, To go to Africa! They never moved 'home' again and also expressed surprise at how many of their families remain clustered around the village even to this day.

One youngster left and went to uni, and went travelling to NZ! The anxiety that caused was laughable.....but he's now 5 minutes away from mum, again. Two also went to uni but lasted less than a term before scuttling back home.

None earn much money, but they all appear happy enough. We don't tend to see them that much because they really aren't interested in us or our goings-on, and they certainly wouldn't dream of travelling across the county boundary!

I think there area surprisingly large number of people like that. I mean, a couple of hours on MN reveals how many people disappear into a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks when faced with anything 'other', like if a phone rings unexpectedly. As for the door bell!! 😉 Life appears to need one huge trigger warning so it's no surprise that people cluster like Dark Ages peasants around the safety of the village.