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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close friend moving to Australia- AIBU?

54 replies

Youngerthanyesterday · 10/01/2019 05:57

I need a reality check as suspect I'm being unreasonable but wanted to step out of my head and get some other opinions on it.

My closest friend is emigrating to Australia next week with no plans to move back in the next few years at a minimum. I'm going to really miss her - we talk online most days and usually see each other at least once or twice a week. The online chat is good, but never replaces face to face things. She said once that I'm her closest confidante and she's mine.

She's stressed about the move and really busy and quite disorganized. I'm really trying to be there and not let on how much I'm gutted that she's leaving (last time we talked about her going properly she got upset and cried), and last week she told me that we was feeling really stressed about managing to spend time with all of the people who want to see her after an intense week with a couple of other friends and I don't want to add to her burdens by acting like I'm entitled to her time.

BUT - I haven't seen her since before Xmas. She still messages often, and every week or so I've been saying 'no pressure because I know you're busy but I'm still keen to see you sometime' and she replies with some variation of 'I'll let you know', but still nothing, no suggestions to hang out, nothing.

Because she's leaving next week, I'd also kept myself available on purpose as really do want to see her but don't have any plans locked in yet at all.

I feel really sad about it and starting to wonder if we are even as close as I thought we were. I've had friends move before like that but I've always managed to see them properly in the couple of weeks before they go.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Winnie2019 · 10/01/2019 06:26

I'm sure she really is genuinely busy. My friend emigrated to USA and the time before the move was incredibly stressful for her, you have to make sure you have done absolutely EVERYTHING as there is no nipping back to sort out something you have forgotten!

My friend also confided in me that everyone wanted a piece of her. Acquaintances that she rarely saw were coming out of the woodwork wanting to see her for farewell lunches. During this period she saw less of close friends as she was being pulled in all directions and knew that we would understand. I'm sure it's the same with your friend.

I know it's hard but just think you have an excellent excuse to justify a flight to Australia and can have an amazing holiday visiting your friend

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/01/2019 06:35

Please cut her some slack. The few weeks before you emigrate are completely insane. You have so much to do, everyone wants to see you, and your stress levels are completely off the charts. Maybe ask if there is anything you can help her with? Is she having a goodbye bash you can go to? Or just ask her straight what time you can swing by for a farewell drink? I know its tough on you, but I really appreciated the people who were flexible about when they could see me when we emigrated. I did have one friend who wanted me to call round the morning we were leaving to pick up a goodbye gift, I'm afraid that didn't happen!

Rezie · 10/01/2019 06:37

You are not being unreasonable. She is not being unreasonable. It's not wrong wanting to see bff before they leave and feel sad and all feelings that come with it. But it's also ok for her to be busy and prioritise things.

QwertyLou · 10/01/2019 06:48

Both of you sound reasonable and normal.

It might be stressful for her to contemplate a 2 hour catch up over lunch or something, if she’s really busy (albeit you might be happy with a half hour coffee).

Perhaps see if you can go over and help her pack or join her waiting in line at the consulate (or something)? I know it’s sad when a friend leaves.

Also UK-Aus flights are not exorbitantly expensive, so perhaps looking at booking yourself a flight to go visit later this year!

countrygirl99 · 10/01/2019 06:49

Why not offer to help her pack and take some cake/choccy etc to share while you do it.

Jent13c · 10/01/2019 06:56

Could you just go and do some errands with her/help packing at all?
I'm not quite in the same situation but my DH is being sent abroad and we have got a lot to do just now. I dont really have time to go out for dinner of have someone round to chat but if they came round and mucked in with the hard work I'd be delighted to see them

Bouncebacker · 10/01/2019 07:01

Suggest a solution to her problem of trying to see everyone before she goes and not having time to plan by suggesting that you organise an informal leaving party for her - book an area in a local pub so lots of people that you know can drop in during the afternoon or evening to see her and say goodbye- you can stay the whole time.

Gigglebrain · 10/01/2019 07:06

Maybe she is putting off seeing you as she knows how much it will upset her (and you).

eddielizzard · 10/01/2019 07:08

I suspect she doesn't want to see you to say goodbye because she can't bear to. But she has to do it. Not something she can run away from. When my very close friend left I felt so nervous at that final goodbye. It was so hard. I wouldn't take it as a sign that she doesn't value you.

imip · 10/01/2019 07:09

I am Australian but have lived in the UK for 16 years. Tbh, I’d do the same as your friend. I hate saying good bye, it’s so hard. I almost always do a ‘runner’ and say to people I’ll carch up with them, but don’t. Particularly with family. If they are older, you genuinely don’t know if you will see them again.

She may genuinely not want to cry again, it’s enormoudly hard.

eddielizzard · 10/01/2019 07:09

Yes, I'd also offer her help with practical things. It helps to focus on tasks rather than emotions.

kaytee87 · 10/01/2019 07:09

Yeah I think she might be too upset to see you.

noodlezoodle · 10/01/2019 07:11

Definitely go and help her pack, or clean, or whatever remaining tasks she has to do. It's insanely stressful to do this and I'm sure she doesn't know whether she's coming or going. Getting to see you AND getting some help will be a great way to spend time with her.

Also I know that it isn't the same, but with online messaging and video chat, the world is so much smaller than it used to be.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2019 07:17

I think swerving people because it's 'too hard' is cruel.

My friend's grandmother was devastated when her DGC emigrated, it would have completely broken her if they hadn't said goodbye.Especially as she never saw them again.

If you're grown up enough to move halfway round the world she should be grown up enough to deal with the consequences.

W0rriedMum · 10/01/2019 07:21

This happened with my friend who moved a similar distance.
For weeks, she was meeting this group and that person, some of whom she hadn't seen in years.
But it was the small things that count in the end - have they got somewhere to stay on their last night when everything is packed up; if they are flying at 9pm, do they want lunch at yours? These are the things only a close friend will offer, and or course will understand if they are wearing their leggings and the kids are weepy.
Just a warning though - the visits are pretty rare.. I've seen them once since.

HadAnOeuf · 10/01/2019 07:21

When we emigrated, I didn't sit down for about 6 days before we left. We were also preparing our flat to rent out. Friends came and helped paint walls and clean the place.

I didn't ask them to but realistically it was the only way to see people in those hectic, mad days.

Can you offer to help out?

swimmerforlife · 10/01/2019 07:26

Ironically OP I am moving to Australia in a month, seriously OP please do not put any pressure on her, she probably wants (and would prefer) to hang out with you too but she needs prioritise getting organised.

I have literally 1001 things I need to do before moving - I am trying to organise new tenants for our house and having it commercially cleaned, sorting everything into storage, binning stuff, packing stuff that we desperately need, trying to sell out car. Also need to organise stuff at the other end in Australia such as finding houses, schools etc and I am still trying finalise DH visa. Combined with still working atm, and running around after two small dc. And I still need to finish everything at work here in the UK.

Most of most weekends will be sorting everything out and organising.

However we are hoping to have some farewell drinks at our house before we leave at the end of the month. Suggest that

Go round and have a cup tea while she packs.

Loopytiles · 10/01/2019 07:26

“Doing a runner” to avoid painful feelings, which are due to your own choice, is unfair on others. If your friend does that it’s crap.

YANBU.

Have you directly said that you’d like to see her before she goes, and could help her with practical stuff at the same time, and suggested some days/times?

imip · 10/01/2019 07:41

I actually say good bye to family and prioritise those goodbyes over others...

Aridane · 10/01/2019 07:41

She will genuinely be horrendously busy

BusterGonad · 10/01/2019 07:43

I've done big moves twice, and it's hell! The problem is you need to say goodbye to the people that are deemed important FAMILY and if you don't you are classed as a bit of a bitch, I had many people I really wanted to say goodbye to but I just couldn't squeeze it in. Unfortunately at times like this (a bit like Christmas) you've got to do things that you don't really want to do!
Speaking from experience why don't you arrange to pop over to your friends one evening, take a bottle of wine and offer to help with whatever she needs a hand with.

FiveShelties · 10/01/2019 07:51

I am like you imip, it is really hard saying goodbye to everyone. I would love to just disappear under the cover of darkness! I go back to UK regularly and it just does not get any easier.

I would pop around to see your friend OP and say your goodbyes. She may be getting overwhelmed with saying goodbye and may welcome you taking the initiative. It is so tough saying goodbye to many different peop!e.

Missingstreetlife · 10/01/2019 07:52

You definately need to se her before she goes, unless either f you plan an early holiday to visit the other (which you should).
Can you take time off to go to the airport with her, or as others say help her pack or shop or whatever. All the friends could be collected for last drink/lunch/leaving do, bit I think you and she need a little one to one.

EvaHarknessRose · 10/01/2019 07:53

She might also be avoiding the emotion inherent in saying goodbye to you, which will be hard.

Original poster

Youngerthanyesterday · 10/01/2019 07:55

I'm so glad I started this thread - it's really helped.

I believe that she is busy, I guess it's the prioritization of stuff that perplexes me.

Interesting idea about not wanting to see me. I wonder if this is true. Guess that's better than being ignored as I'm not of value but I just don't know.

She had her farewell before Xmas and I stayed back to help her clean up and she ended up crying about leaving and was very very emotional and I've only actually seen her once since. Yet some of the messages are quite intense - telling me how important I am to her, that she loves me etc etc which in itself confuses me as while we're close friends and all we've never really gone in for that level of gushiness before.

I've offered help etc but she said she's fine and I don't want to impose.

OP posts:

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