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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend moving to Australia- AIBU?

54 replies

Youngerthanyesterday · 10/01/2019 05:57

I need a reality check as suspect I'm being unreasonable but wanted to step out of my head and get some other opinions on it.

My closest friend is emigrating to Australia next week with no plans to move back in the next few years at a minimum. I'm going to really miss her - we talk online most days and usually see each other at least once or twice a week. The online chat is good, but never replaces face to face things. She said once that I'm her closest confidante and she's mine.

She's stressed about the move and really busy and quite disorganized. I'm really trying to be there and not let on how much I'm gutted that she's leaving (last time we talked about her going properly she got upset and cried), and last week she told me that we was feeling really stressed about managing to spend time with all of the people who want to see her after an intense week with a couple of other friends and I don't want to add to her burdens by acting like I'm entitled to her time.

BUT - I haven't seen her since before Xmas. She still messages often, and every week or so I've been saying 'no pressure because I know you're busy but I'm still keen to see you sometime' and she replies with some variation of 'I'll let you know', but still nothing, no suggestions to hang out, nothing.

Because she's leaving next week, I'd also kept myself available on purpose as really do want to see her but don't have any plans locked in yet at all.

I feel really sad about it and starting to wonder if we are even as close as I thought we were. I've had friends move before like that but I've always managed to see them properly in the couple of weeks before they go.

AIBU?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 10/01/2019 08:00

My friends went on tour with work a couple of times for stretches of several years. They also said everyone wants a piece of you and it cost them a fortune in fairwell lunches and drinks and things.

I bet she’d far rather be with you

BusterGonad · 10/01/2019 08:01

Can I just add, my neighbors who I really liked, popped around the night before we left, with a bottle of bubbly, we sat in my lounge on the bare carpet drinking out of plastic cups she brought over. It wasn't planned and I'll always remember it. We had a cry and it was just lovely!

brizzledrizzle · 10/01/2019 08:10

I'm sure she is insanely busy, you barely have time to breath when you are emigrating. Part of me wonders if she isn't seeing you for that reason but also because she will find it hard; a relative of mine emigrated but they refused to see a close friend when they went to the US (same city) to see family there because they knew it was the last time they would see them and it would have been too hard.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2019 08:12

She cannot NOT prioritize 'stuff'. It has to be done and there is a very definite deadline for this. People are important but can still be contacted afterwards.

Seeing friends and allowing each one meaningful time is lovely - but that sort of leisureliness is not really compatible with a time of busy, practical deadlines. It was very sensible of her to have done her main 'farewell' event before Christmas. There is only ever time for that sort of thing earlier on.

As others have said, offer some practical help - even if that is doing something for, rather than entirely with, her - and don't pressure her. That would just cause her to associate you with stress, rather than enjoyment.

OP, have you never had an essay deadline, an exam to revise for, a house move or wedding to organise and reached a point where you thnk 'anything that can wait until after this date, can wait'? The idea of someone asking you for a leisurely lunch, when you're in 'last few days of exam revision' mode would seem absurd and the opposite of helpful. This is the same.

Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 10/01/2019 08:21

I do understand the stress - I think that's why I posted. I guess having never done it myself I don't know what it's like

OP posts:
AwakeNow · 10/01/2019 08:33

Can you go stay overnight at her place the last night then drive her to the airport?

AwakeNow · 10/01/2019 08:39

Apologies, I didn't read the thread much before posting. Blush

Papergirl1968 · 10/01/2019 08:44

Similar thing happened to me when my oldest friend moved, and that was in the UK, albeit from one end of the country to another.
It felt like she distanced herself emotionally during the last few weeks, but whether that was subconscious or because she really was very busy, I don't know.
And I know that's not what this thread is about, but gradually the friendship changed so be prepared for that. We went from speaking most days and seeing each other at least weekly when she lived nearby, to speaking a couple of times a week and seeing each other occasionally when she moved, and now gradually that has dropped down to a weekly phone call which is often a bit strained as we don't have anything in common anymore, although to be fair that could be because she's climbed the corporate ladder and I've had children and left work.

Papergirl1968 · 10/01/2019 08:46

Sorry, I meant to say Flowers for you. I know how painful it is. Perhaps look into getting a new hobby and meeting new people to fill what will inevitably be a gap in your life.

Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 10/01/2019 09:01

Thanks paper I suppose change is inevitable really.

I just want her to want to see me I guess, but maybe this slow fade will make things easier in the long run too

OP posts:
shpoot · 10/01/2019 09:23

Just go round one evening. Say you were passing and wanted to pop in and see her. She won't want to make plans as she's so busy but if you just turn up I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you. Maybe take her a little goodbye gift

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2019 09:33

The good think about the long-distance move is that, when you do go to see her, you will spend lots of really high quality time together. So instead of a steady trickle of meet-ups, you'll have online chat (which may fade in and out of importance for her, as she's busy settling in / finding things difficult / making friends), then, every now and then, a brilliant long visit together, doing fun stuff and catching up on everything.

LuYu · 10/01/2019 09:51

I've done several international moves, and it's hard to explain how stressful and all-consuming things get in the pre-move period. It's like having ten tickertapes of tasks constantly rolling in your head, and each task subdivides into ten other tasks, and then something goes wrong with one of them and the whole thing falls apart. Many aspects are time-sensitive or more complicated than you expect.

It's a total life-change, like having a newborn, and (like babies) some international moves are relatively easy and some leave you completely overwhelmed and frazzled.

This isn't about your friendship. It doesn't mean she's fading you out or doesn't care. The absolute worst thing to do right now would be to even hint at passive aggression or emotional blackmail: just keep the lines of contact open, keep offering support and don't take anything too personally.

Pretyui · 10/01/2019 09:58

My best friend moved to Australia, I think five years ago its been now, we still chat everyday on WhatsApp etc but before she left I thought that she was basically wanting to cut me off, barely spoke, didn't see her before she moved, but life was chaotic and I didn't really appreciate how incredibly busy she was having to move her whole life to another continent! She'll be dealing with all the move, see how it is once she's moved and life is back to normal. My friendship hasn't faded despite not much contact in the time before her move.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 10/01/2019 14:08

You are probably one of a dozen people hoping to see her before she goes. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to snub you but I don’t think you realise how unbelievably stressful and time consuming the last weeks before emigrating can be.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 10/01/2019 14:11

LuYu describes it very well. When my sister moved abroad for good she had whole walls of her house covered with bits of A4 paper with endless lists and sub lists!

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/01/2019 14:12

You are her friend. Support her. Take a tray of pie over, or offer to help pack, babysit or do last minute things together. This isn't about you. And think- this friend is going to give you the opportunity to visit somewhere incredible and make new memories.

Thewifipasswordis · 10/01/2019 14:20

One of my best friends moved back to America a while ago OP and it was the hardest thing ever. Suddenly I no longer had my closest friend, running buddy, person I could confide in etc

With the time zone differences and how busy she was over there the relationship changed after a few years.

She was my bridesmaid and maid of honour and this past year we've spoken maybe 4 times :'( we both just get too upset.

She has never met my child. Hers is now so very grown up. It broke my heart.

She'll never be able to afford to come back to visit and I'll never be able to afford to go over there. So it is what it is I guess Sad

Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 11/01/2019 07:45

So glad I posted - thanks everyone. As her last weekend rolls around and she sent me a short message earlier to say she's going away so unlikely to see her I was able to refer back to this thread.

My feelings are still hurt tbh as I may not see her at all now, but maybe I have more perspective now

OP posts:
Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 11/01/2019 07:46

Thewifi that's sad Sad

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/01/2019 15:01

Am sorry that you may not be able to see her before she leaves. Sad for you.

Habadabadoo · 11/01/2019 17:35

YANBUThanks
However, you may get on so well that she knows you understand how busy she is. I have a friend like this. She often confides in me and knows I would understand in this situation, that I am easy going, and don't get upset often.
Whereas other people wouldn't. Other people may be demanding to see her and stressing her out even more so she probably isn't enjoying seeing them anyway!
I would suggest you buy her a little personal good luck gift and drop it round her house when you know she will be in. Refuse to go in so as not to stress her out but just so you get to see her face and get a goodbye hug.
Give yourself a hug as well and refuse to let this cloud your feelings for her.

W0rriedMum · 12/01/2019 10:25

I posted above to say to be available, to understand and to offer a last lunch or a place to stay on the last night when everything is packed up.

I've read your last post. Yes I would be upset that she didn't even spare 30 mins for a cup of tea.

KarmaStar · 12/01/2019 10:30

Think she is dreading saying goodbye to you so has stuck her head in the sand.perhaps be a bit more pushy or time will run away with her and there will be huge regret on both sides and additional hurt on yours.

Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 12/01/2019 10:40

Thanks everyone. I’ll contact her again on Monday and see. For all my being reasonable and understanding it’s actually making me feel quite anxious

OP posts: