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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? This is a difficult one

36 replies

Thelonewolf · 09/01/2019 22:31

My ex had arranged for our children to meet his new GF, fine although I wasn’t consulted (we agreed we’d tell the other out of courtesy if we were planning on introducing them to a new partner).
However my mum died very suddenly Saturday morning and I personally don’t agree with them meeting his GF until they’ve had time to grieve - I know I have no say on who he introduces them to and when but I would’ve thought he would put them first!
He doesn’t, he thinks this should have no effect on “his” life and how dare I interfere, and is pushing them to meet her ASAP 🤷🏻‍♀️
Would the distraction help or is their Grandmother’s death more than enough to deal with?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/01/2019 22:33

I agree with you, it's a lot for them to cope with all at once, I hope he respects your wishes.

I'm sorry about your mum OP Flowers

Stormwhale · 09/01/2019 22:33

What an enormous bellend your ex is. Can't he see that his children are going to need support, not having to get to know a new person. I would be very unhappy about this, but I'm not sure what you can do about it.

MeredithGrey1 · 09/01/2019 22:42

Unless your children are very young and therefore not upset (I mean really little, with no real concept of death), then he’s being massively unreasonable. It’s not about your life impacting his life, it’s about his kids needs taking priority.
(Although you’ve not said how long you want him to wait, if you are telling him that because of this they can’t meet the new GF for months and months then I’d agree with him, but I assume you’re not doing that.)

KC225 · 09/01/2019 22:43

So sorry for your loss OP.

Wow - your ex is a real charmer. Surely it's about the effect on the children's life? Its hard to believe that someone could dig their heels in at such a sensitive time. What new girlfriend would want o be introduced under such circumstances? He can't have told her. Can you ask him to postpone it for a couple of weeks, at least until after the funeral?

MissyCooper · 09/01/2019 22:44

I don’t think it’s difficult at all.

He’s a selfish twat.

Skinnysecreteater · 09/01/2019 22:50

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been awful for you, and your kids.

How are they dealing with it at the moment? If they are very stressed and upset I'd probably warn your ex, but let him make the decision about whether meeting her would help or make worse - after all he knows her best (do you trust him to make the right decision in terms of what is right for the kids?)

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 09/01/2019 23:00

I don’t trust him at all - he’s very self centred, and has some extremely narcissistic traits.
The children are 7 (his birthday in 2 weeks) and 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelonewolf · 09/01/2019 23:01

It’s just starting to sink in with my eldest.

OP posts:
MyNameIsABCDE · 09/01/2019 23:08

You poor thing. So sorry for your loss. It must be hard for you and your little ones.

I would definitely suggest waiting a bit. Let your ex know that your mother's death has affected the older one and as much as you would like him to meet the new gf it doesn't feel like the right time

delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 23:11

My condolences OP. This is very raw for you. I think as you say this is just starting to sink in, this is not the time for your children. He could at least wait until after the funeral. They children will tell you best as to what they want to do. i really think these are two big milestones events in their lives that they won't want to remember as synonomous with each other ''I remember when you introduced us to her dad - the same week that DGM passed away''. There needs to be grieving space. If he had any compassion - for you aswell.

MissionItsPossible · 09/01/2019 23:14

So sorry for your loss OP. Flowers
Your ex sounds horrible. Any normal person would act accordingly in such a situation.

SaturdayNext · 09/01/2019 23:16

The issue is, of course, the effect on their lives, not the effect on his life. If he hasn't worked that out, he's an idiot. But I expect you knew that.

BettyBitchface · 09/01/2019 23:16

Ask the twat if he wants his GF forever associated in the children's minds with the memory of losing grandma. It may make them feel very negative about her at that age. They may even think one has something to do with the other, especially the three year old because you know kids get things a bit mixed up at times.

Mind you if he is as self centred as you say, he probably doesn't give a flying fuck about her feelings either.

TupperwareThief · 09/01/2019 23:17

As strange as it sounds - what is the new gf like? Is she reasonable? Could you make the case to her privately that it’s nothing against her, but it’s not the right time? (Could even frame it as ‘I don’t want the kids to form a bad impression of you by association’). She might be more willing to see it from the kids side, you never know.

(Or maybe she’s as much of a tosser as she is, but i don’t know)

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/01/2019 23:17

Sorry about your Mum OP. PS Your ex sounds like a twat...

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 09/01/2019 23:25

I have no idea what she’s like, I did tell him either you cancel the meeting or I’ll tell her myself.
I was told not to contact her or he’ll call police, not that they’d do anything - says it all really?

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 23:26

if i was the girlfriend I would not want to meet your children in such circumstances. It's beyond crass. I would also be dumping him!

jessstan2 · 09/01/2019 23:27

I agree with you, Thelonewolf, it wouldn't hurt him to delay introducing his new girlfriend for a few weeks. It's a lot for children to take in, in a short space of time.

He probably hasn't thought it out properly - maybe his parents or a sibling or even a close friend of both of you can speak to him about it.

So sorry about your mum Wine.

Wotev · 09/01/2019 23:35

It's unkind to you, but I don't think it will affect the children.

Magenta46 · 09/01/2019 23:42

My condolences OP.I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Any normal person would make allowances in these difficult circumstances Is the new girlfriend aware of the situation.? If she is a half decent sort ,she would find this arrangement quite inappropriate and heartless.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 09/01/2019 23:52

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

It sounds like the GF thing is too much for all of you right now. I hope your ex has some compassion.

TupperwareThief · 10/01/2019 07:59

He can’t call the police just for contacting someone! It’s not as if you’re gonna threaten her. He’s obviously just scared you’re gonna tell her some home truths. I would try it anyway.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/01/2019 08:04

So sorry about your mumFlowers.

Absolutely he should delay this meeting...

Can you cancel this time? (As you need to be together as a family)...

As its quite obvious he's not putting his grieving kids first....

If the visit is happening...
I would deffo contact the girlfriend telling her that grandma died very suddenly.... Her response should tell you everything...

If she is anything other than sympathetic, I would deffo cancel..... It's you and your kids who should tie priority.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/01/2019 08:06

PS also your kids should be around the person who will be the most emotionally supportive of them...

HowardSpring · 10/01/2019 08:20

The three year old won't be seriously affected at this point and will probably benefit from being with a happy dad and a being distracted. The 6/7 year old will need support but can get it from his dad who may be in a better place to give it than you at the moment as you will be trying to come to terms with your own grief and will have a lot to arrange and many calls to field I expect.

I would let them go and use the time well so that you can focus on them when they get back. Their father is their father and they need him too. The new girlfriend might be nice, fun, kind and as slong as it is handled well it does not have to be stressful for them.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

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