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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a contribution every now and then

44 replies

Ineedtobehappy · 09/01/2019 12:39

Bit of background, been with DP for almost 2 years. We don’t live together but spend a couple of evenings together mid week and all weekend most weeks. This is always spent at my house where I cook for him or order takeout.
My problem is that I don’t mind doing this every now and then but he’s expecting meals cooked for him all the time, we no longer have so called dates and I pay for absolutely everything.
It’s got to the point where I no longer enjoy his company but can’t bring myself to say anything to him 🙁

OP posts:

curious86 · 09/01/2019 12:40

You just have to be honest about it, also if he comes to yours ask him to grab dinner on the way. He may not of realised it bothers you

DarkStorm · 09/01/2019 12:41

Well you have 2 choices. Talk to him about it (if you are bothered enough about making the relationship work, but you say you don’t enjoy his company). Or you end the relationship.

Dorabean · 09/01/2019 12:41

Agree with PP. Be honest with him . Does he have his own house too?

Oysterbabe · 09/01/2019 12:45

2 years?! I can see why it might be a slightly awkward conversation after that long. He'll wonder why you didn't say anything earlier.
Has it only just started to bother you? If so maybe your feelings for him were cooling anyway.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/01/2019 12:46

Time to sack him off. You don't enjoy his company because you are full of resentment. He hasn't even realised he's a bum.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2019 12:47

It’s got to the point where I no longer enjoy his company but can’t bring myself to say anything to him

It sounds as if the relationship has run its course. He's taking you for granted... the dates have disappeared... you're fed up... time to end things.

Oopsy41 · 09/01/2019 12:48

If you no longer enjoy his company then I think there are bigger issues than him not contributing (which he absolutely should be). I think you definitely need to discuss it with him, if it's been like this for two years then I don't think things will suddenly change. Good luck

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/01/2019 12:49

He's taking the piss. I would dump him - you shouldn't have to point out to a grown man that the cost of meals should be shared and that dating involves actual dates, where you leave the house.
Even my teenagers know this!

notacooldad · 09/01/2019 12:50

Why don't you do a gradual shift.
Tell him you are coming over to his for tea tonight. Do it again. See what happens.
Tell him to pick the food up on the way home. Give him a shopping list for the meals for the week.
If objects you point out uts your fuel and time making the meal.
Or just tell him how it is.

Miane · 09/01/2019 12:50

It’s got to the point where I no longer enjoy his company but can’t bring myself to say anything to him

With the best will in the world, this is ridiculous!

You are providing food, sex and overnight accommodation to a man you don’t like anymore?

Why? One quick conversation and you are free!!!

Big girl pants.

OutPinked · 09/01/2019 12:57

Wow, he’s taking the royal piss. Two years of you feeding him for half of the week basically. He should feel guilty that he’s expecting so much of you yet doesn’t, that speaks volumes. He’s a CF of the highest order OP, definitely have words.

Original poster

Ineedtobehappy · 09/01/2019 12:57

I don’t enjoy his company purely because I feel I’m being taken for granted. I do really like him and I’m quite anxious about anything confrontational so chicken out every time I want to talk about it

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2019 12:58

I just don't understand how you've got to this without saying something?
After the 1st of me paying for everything and cooking, I'd be telling him it's his turn now.
And after paying for 1 take-away - the same - I paid last time so it's your turn!
I don't get why that is so hard to say???
Maybe I'm just too assertive?

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2019 12:59

That is the '1st week!'

Ellisandra · 09/01/2019 13:02

There’s no point in talking to him - except I suppose as practise for the next time you have a situation in life where you need to speak up.

No point, because you’re better off dumping him. He’s taking advantage and he either knows and is pleased, or doesn’t realise because he doesn’t give a shit. Best off rid - or at the least put him on a final warning.

“I seem to have fallen into cooking for you as I’m “hosting” but I don’t like it falling all to me. I need you to take over half the meal planning / buying / cooking”

Ellisandra · 09/01/2019 13:04

Actually, scrap saying that - he’s making you pay for the take away too. Just get rid - why would you want to be with someone who is taking the piss like this? Your gut has caught up with the situation.

pantyclaws · 09/01/2019 13:05

Would it be easier to put it into writing to avoid confrontation?

Following this format:

The facts

The outcome

How it makes you feel

So you might say in a text, I've noticed that we spend a lot of time at mine these days. So I'm ending up doing the shopping, cooking and spending on food. This issue starting to make me feel upset and like being taken for granted. I feel like it's become an expectation. What do you think about it all?

He should be mortified - God I'm so sorry I've been thoughtless, let me make things fairer type thing - but my guess is he'll become really defensive and try to blame you.

MatildaTheCat · 09/01/2019 13:10

How about a text saying you’ve just realised that for the last two years you’ve paid for everything so how about he covers the next two years?

His response should tell you all you need to know.

D1sc0Diver · 09/01/2019 13:13

How have you got to 2 years with him never paying for a takeaway or other food ? I agree if you cannot talk, send text or wasap. Of course he should be contributing !

LadyOfTheCanyon · 09/01/2019 13:13

I think @pantyclaws has the right idea - strikes a balance between friendliness and confrontation. And they are right - his reaction will tell you all you need to know. If you go in all guns blazing most people would become defensive, which isn't helpful.

IDECLAREBANKRUPTCY · 09/01/2019 13:18

Bloody hell, I really don't think anyone is that thoughtless that they haven't realised this situation is unbalanced. I'd be vary wary of any further commitment to him. I'd bin him off.

FetchezLaVache · 09/01/2019 13:41

Much like your set-up, DP and I mainly spend time together at my place and so he will pay for my supermarket shopping once in a while, AND take more than his fair share of turns paying for takeaway. I haven't had to ask - it's just how he is. I therefore tend towards the view that your young man is unattractively tight-fisted. Of course he realises he gets fed and watered for nowt at yours, of course he's aware that he should be ponying up now and again. You need to have the conversation - you've got nothing to lose, because if you carry on as you are, seething with silent resentment, the relationship's buggered anyway, and as pantyclaws pointed out, his reaction will tell you whether he's fundamentally decent but just unthinking, or a cocklodger-in-waiting.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2019 13:51

Why don't you suggest spending more time at his place or next time he's coming over say "I'm not cooking tonight, why don't you stop on your way over and get a takeaway" and see what he says. If he doesn't step up to the mark, bin him.

beachysandy81 · 09/01/2019 13:55

How can you be with someone for 2 years and not mention this?! It would be a turn off for me if I had to ask someone to contribute in this situation though.

Oldraver · 09/01/2019 14:01

I was going to ask if it was the not paying that you were fed up of or him generally but you've since answered that.

I think you should say something to him but to be honest I would be really pissed off it hadn't occured to him he should be paying your share...two years is not fair.

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