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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you split up with someone you love whilst they sort themselves out? Did you go back?

28 replies

Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 09:56

After 3 yrs together my OH is stuck dealing with some personal issues. I'm trying to understand where they're coming from, but I find it hard and it's affecting my life too.
WIBU to leave her, hoping she'll deal with stuff, and then try to get back together?
I don't want anyone else. I love her, and being with her, but she's stuck.
I feel mercenary, but I'm disappearing a bit in this.
Tell me some stories where you have returned and it's worked out.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 10:00

Is she getting help for her problems?

If it's affecting your life too then you're reasonable too but be prepared for her to not want you back. I think these things have to be done with both people agreeing that it's the right thing to do.

Have you spoken to her about it?

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 10:01

The thing is that you may leave and they don’t sort themselves out. Or they may sort the issue and then find someone new.
Depends on what it is really. Alcohol or drug addiction? I’d be off. Depression they were seeking help for? I’d stay.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:04

Yes she's in counselling but nothing appears to be changing.
Previously to me she had a ten year relationship and has said that the issue was one of the things that split them up too. I don't want to be in this for ten years before it's too much.
She knows it upsets me and I know she's stuck with it - it's almost like I'm too kind to push it but I need things to change this year.
But I don't want to lose her. Should I just settle and accept that this is how things are?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:07

Not being open about her sexuality to 90% of the people we know.
Family know, mine and hers.
A handful of my friends but she was cross that I'd told them, she went bananas. I told them really early on and I'm so glad I did or I wouldn't be able to tell them now I know how she feels.
The daft thing is, I think EVERYONE probably knows (they're not stupid) but she insists on never mentioning me, and I feel invisible. I haven't done anything wrong, I'm lovely!

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 09/01/2019 10:07

It was a long time ago and we were 21 and not married and I realised that much though I loved him I didn't want to marry the man he was and ended it our engagement.

It was very painful but he turned his life around and we started to plan our wedding.

We've been married 36 years now and the decision to end it and the decision to get back together were definitely right.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 10:12

She didn’t sort this over a 10 year period before? Doesn’t sound likely it’ll change.
You certainly can’t force change by splitting with someone.

userschmoozer · 09/01/2019 10:13

Remember that she ended a long term relationship over the same problem. So if you do leave, I don't think it should be with the expectation that she will change. You would be giving yourself false hope.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:16

She didn't end the relationship over this, but I guess I know how the other person felt.
I feel like I'm living a half life.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 10:17

If she's not changed for a 10 year relationship I think she's unlikely to change.

You shouldn't be kept as a secret and you should be able to tell whoever you want that you're in a relationship with this woman. You'd be perfectly reasonable to leave and I don't think you should settle in this situation, however I wouldn't expect her to change.

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 10:22

She didn’t change then.
Why would she now?
Decide to settle (sounds like you would be miserable) or move on.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:26

I suppose I know inside that that's the answer but it makes me cry, I love her so much and she says she loves me.
AIBU to not accept that she was brought up not to be 'out'? She's in her fifties, in the menopause and I feel I should be more understanding.
Should I? I'm not very good at asking to be heard - she's asking me to hear and understand her but I don't like living like this.
But I feel unfair not agreeing with her! Aaagh!!!

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 09/01/2019 10:27

If you leave, it has to be on the understanding that you really are walking away from the relationship, at least as it is. You can't do it to call her bluff. If it makes her sort some things out, that's great, but you actually need to be doing it for you - if it's a situation you genuinely can't tolerate, it is not unreasonable to take yourself out of it.

She's already lost one relationship over it, so I reckon she does actually need to take on board that refusing to acknowledge her partner is never going to go down well. People don't like to be treated that way, nor should they be.

(Incidentally, I would say the same if you were thinking about leaving her because of, say, a mental health problem or an addiction. There is no shame in saying this is a situation you can't handle, if she has taken no steps to improve matters. My partner's mental health problems are never going to go away, but we have worked out better ways of dealing with them, and we are a strong, healthy team - if he still behaved in the way he did when we were first together, I absolutely would not have stayed with him. That wouldn't have been because of his depression per se, but because of how he dealt with it and the space he allowed it to take up in his life.)

ladycarlotta · 09/01/2019 10:32

AIBU to not accept that she was brought up not to be 'out'?

I know women in their seventies who have been out for about as long as your partner has been alive! If she's in her 50s she was an adult in the 80s and 90s - sorry, lots of people were out then. I know it's got much easier since, but I don't think you can give her a free pass for this. It's possible that if her family is from a background that really isn't accepting, but actually that still isn't for you to put up with if you don't want to. She is going to have to figure out that she can't have her cake and eat it - if she wants a relationship, it can't be secret.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:34

Thank you.
I accept that you should give someone the chance to change and then see what happens.
I divorced my exh because he was a depressive abusive wanker, however I did stick in it for 15 years first, offered support, booked marriage guidance counselling, got him to the docs for ADs. But he REMAINED an abusive controlling wanker, so I left him - I couldn't fix his problems and he affected everyone else yet refused to get help / change.
I suppose I feel I should give my OH more time to work this out - but I said that after year 1, then year 2, then year 3....

OP posts:
maddening · 09/01/2019 10:36

Is the only issue that she doesn't want to be 'out'?

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 10:40

Yes, it's the only issue.
It's more to do with work, as we met through related fields.
She's never been out at work and has built it up into this massive thing in her head, that people won't like her if they know she's gay.
I'm sure they already know and don't give a shit.

OP posts:
WrapAndRoll · 09/01/2019 11:01

It sounds like this causes her massive anxiety to the point she has a phobia of coming. She sounds genuinely terrified of it, which isn't rational to most of us, but her anxiety is bad enough that she can't be persuaded it's safe and OK. Obviously this is having an impact on you too. Coukd she be persuaded to see a counsellor with experience in sexuality issues, either alone or with you?

WrapAndRoll · 09/01/2019 11:02

Phobia of coming out, that should say!!! HmmBlush

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 11:07

I've mentioned us both going to counseling together before, and she didn't say no, we just never did it.
I think it's time I asked again.

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 09/01/2019 11:14

Maybe you have to give an ultimatum?
Get help or I'm going to end the relationship. I love you but I can't go on. Then follow it through if she won't.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 11:18

You love her, tell her how you feel and be honest with her.

Try going to counselling with her again and at least you know you've tried.

If not, don't feel bad for walking away, you shouldn't be a secret and you should also be happy.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 09/01/2019 11:19

I know someone who did split up while the other person worked out issues. Not the same situation as you, but it was to do with alcohol issues. He was drinking heavily and got mean and unpleasant when drunk. There was a messy and very public incident and she dumped him - told him to move out and not come back unless he could sort himself out. He gave up drink completely and they've been together for about 10 years and have 3 kids now. He's remained teetotal for that whole time, through some very stressful situations.

So it is possible that people can work on their issues and resolve them - particularly if there is a clear-cut solution eg give up drink, come out at work.

Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 12:36

Thank you, these are useful, just not what I want to hear.

Do you think IABU to expect her to be more open? She says she can't, that her private life is just that, private. That she doesn't want a client of hers (who I work with) knowing all about her personal life. But I find it so hard not being able to tell the truth when my colleague says Who did you go to cinema with? and I have to lie / renounce my OH - I feel like a lying Judas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newnewnewnames · 09/01/2019 17:05

Did anyone go back?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/01/2019 17:11

You need to stop looking for people to give you the answer you want. You need to deal with the RL situation you have.