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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel left out by DP friends?

75 replies

Melandre · 09/01/2019 09:54

First post here from a longtime lurker, and sorry it’s another wedding one!!
To try and summarise: DP is from another country. He’s lived in the uk for about 4 years but aside from work colleagues who he doesn’t see outside work, he hasn’t really made any friends here and would still consider his friends the people from his home country he went to uni/school with. I’ve met probably a third of them because most still live in the home country and we only go there once a year or so.
DP and I are engaged. It was very important to him to invite lots of his home friends to the wedding, which at c100/head isn’t cheap (his argument is that in his culture weddings are much larger.) I originally wanted a small, more low key wedding but compromised at 100 guests which is obviously costing a fair bit. We are both saving very hard for it alongside house savings, and my parents have given us about a quarter of the money.

My AIBU is though related to the fact that for the last 2 years as DP’s home friends have been getting married/engaged, I am consistently never invited to the weddings (which invariably take place abroad, as do the stag do’s he goes to, so it ends up costing a lot of money and annual leave. Example: Last summer he had 2 stag dos and 2 weddings abroad in 8 weeks, and we didn’t have any annual leave or cash left for a holiday together until the beginning of this heat. Yesterday it transpired that he’s got another wedding and stag abroad in May/June (around my birthday also!), and I’m not invited to the wedding again! The invites are always addressed just to DP despite the friends being aware that we are a long term couple who live together and are engaged (the couple who have only invited DP this time, are also both invited to our wedding this summer.)

AIBU to feel frustrated and left out? It’s like his home friends still see him as their single mate, and I just don’t get the opportunities to meet them that would presumably make them want to include me... our wedding is costing a lot and it annoys me that we are paying for these friends who have never included me in their invites to DP. He accused me of being petty and ridiculous and said I shouldn’t see it that way. He’s probably right.... I just don’t know. I just feel really irritated at the constant snubs and the fact that I’d never dream of not inviting a long term/fiancé/married plus one with our friends to our wedding, it seems rude. I also really don’t want another year or even more of not being invited while DP uses up his holiday budget and annual leave on weddings without me, and we yet again don’t get a proper holiday together.

AIBU to feel this way?!?

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 09/01/2019 13:22

he knew it would make me start an argument - errrr no. You're understandably upset at being excluded again. It worries me that he can't see why this upsets you.

I don't like to ask this... but do you think there's a possibility he's asking them not to invite you beforehand?
That was my gut reaction. Not necessarily because he's cheating but so he gets to go and enjoy his boys weekends with nobody else to think about, can get wasted, chat with his friends, eat whatever he wants, lie bed as long as he wants...

BowiesJumper · 09/01/2019 13:26

Is he from Ireland OP?

I'd go over with him for the next wedding, but on the day of the actual wedding go out sightseeing or see his family (?) and try and enjoy the rest of the trip with him?

it is a right bummer though.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/01/2019 13:29

There's a lot going on because it's what he wants, but your concerns are dismissed. It doesn't matter to him that you couldn't afford a family holiday because of his trips, it doesn't matter to him that you wanted a smaller wedding. It doesn't matter to him that you feel hurt (and are you absolutely sure that he wants his friends to invite you and hasn't told them not to?). It only matters to him what he wants.

This does not bode well for your future, I'm afraid. Unless a lifetime of you making sacrifices so that he can have his own way is what you actually want, in which case crack on. Otherwise I think you might be wiser to at least discuss postponing the wedding. Cancelled weddings can be expensive but they tend to be cheaper than divorces.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2019 13:29

Personally I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

He's being selfish. He could say no.

And you'll spend a fortune on the wedding and he'll never see these people again.

Floralhousecoat · 09/01/2019 13:35

He's gaslighting you by making you out to be petty and argumentative over things that most women would find unacceptable in relationships. He's a gaslighting prick. Please don't marry him.

He thinks you're petty that you have a problem with your family paying for most of the wedding while he swans off abroad all the time at enormous cost. Of course he thinks you're petty!! It's not his money is it?

Don't marry him op. This is only the start of his gaslighting behaviour.

Original poster

Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:40

Ah, this sucks. I hate thinking that I’m being gaslighted or that I’m making wrong choices. I apologised to him today for being upset about this.

Things are fine except where weddings (others and ours!) have been concerned. He just doesn’t like doing anything that wasn’t his idea. His mother is the same (and he knows it). We haven’t decided on honeymoon etc because I know he feels like I have taken over decision making etc - but he just isn’t proactive so it does get left to me. I do think he can be a bit immature but I do love him and want to marry him.

OP posts:

Consolidatedyourloins · 09/01/2019 13:42

Is the venue providing food too?

I would be tempted to have a smaller wedding even if venue is a bit too big.

So rude of them not to invite you but be comings to yours.

Consolidatedyourloins · 09/01/2019 13:42

He just doesn’t like doing anything that wasn’t his idea.

Big red flag.

Floralhousecoat · 09/01/2019 13:43

And oh yes. If weddings are huge affairs in his culture, it makes it even less acceptable that you aren't invited to his friends dos.
I'd be telling him you and he needs to find the money for his dream wedding as your family shouldn't have to finance his plans.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 13:45

Are you sure you want to marry this man it sounds like his friends don’t view you in the same way they view everyone else and you’re dp goes along with it.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 13:46

So he shuts you down by calling you 'petty' and 'small', he dismisses your feelings, he doesn't stand up for you, he prioritises his own friends and holidays over holidays with you? Hmm, op, I think you have more to think abotu that wedding invites.

YANBU at all.

frenchchick9 · 09/01/2019 13:47

*about than

Original poster

Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:47

I just feel like it’s a case of, they’ve never met me, I’m not in their (reasonably cliquey) city/circle of friends, or from their culture- and additionally they don’t even really see my dp except once a year or s- so they just don’t feel the need to include me. But dp doesn’t go against this and our wedding has not been organised on that basis.

OP posts:

Original poster

Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:49

We are not taking a planned holiday this spring because he said we need to save money for the wedding this year, now the stag and wedding invites are coming in and he isn’t declining any of those!
In fact we don’t have anything booked until the honeymoon (I guess.. haven’t bkoked that either..)

OP posts:

FlagFish · 09/01/2019 13:54

Is the cost of him attending coming out of joint money or his money only?

How about if he accepts the wedding invites but declines the stag dos (or the other way around if he prefers)? Could that be a good compromise? Therefore limiting his time and budgetary commitments, but not losing out on all his old friends' celebrations.

Original poster

Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:57

Flagfish, his money. But because we both save the exact same (large) amount towards the wedding and house savings each month, and he earns about 30% more than me, he has the spare cash to do this and after our joint savings I don’t.. which doesn’t help matters as I then can’t just go off on a little trip myself when he’s away. So while we don’t have totally joined finances, we both have equal outgoings in terms of rent/bills/joint groceries/specific savings, and he has more leeway around these. I guess if he didn’t, he couldnt go away so much!

OP posts:

Kikipost · 09/01/2019 14:00

Are you sure you haven’t been invited? Did you actually see the invites?

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 14:00

Why wouldn't your contributions be proportional to income?

So many questions I'd be posing here.

NC0301191141 · 09/01/2019 14:08

I can understand the hurt and disappointment OP, especially as I imagine it wasn't cheap for him to go to all these wedding and stag do's, so that money could have been in your wedding pot.

Did you manage to get a holiday when your DP was off having fun at all these weddings and stags? Or did you just have to sit at home to use up your annual leave entitlement on your own because he'd already used up his entitlement and money?

Overall I think, however, you might have to take this one on the chin. You obviously aren't able to change the friends' ways of thinking, and you've already committed to your bigger wedding. If it still continued after you were married he'd be a fool to accept it from his friends and he should be rejecting any such future invitations and telling his friends why.

I think on the day I'd be making a comment to each of them of "oh, how lovely to FINALLY meet you! DH told me ALL about your wonderful wedding... such a shame I couldn't come"

Alwayscheerful · 09/01/2019 14:38

Op I am taking a guess your Dp has discussed the invitations with his friends and said he is absolutely fine to go on his own, enjoy the stag do and then relax and party again at the wedding, what's more, you are subsidising his parting! leaving yourself short of funds whilst you are left home alone.
The start of financial abuse and control and he is gaslighting you.
Tell him either you both go or neither of you go, can't you go with him and do some tourist trips on your own? You never know you might get invited to the wedding if the friends find out you are included in the trip.

CandyflossKing · 09/01/2019 15:28

He should not be spending your entire holiday budget each year! Maximum he should spend is 'his' half and if he doesn't have enough he doesn't get to go to all of the weddings. You should not be subsidising these trips! Could you go with him for a holiday, even if not attending the wedding?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/01/2019 15:30

I agree with others, your updates are worrying. He is doing things to upset you then turning it around on you 'I didn't tell you as you'd start an argument' is different to 'there would be an argument' and designed to force you into agreeing with something you're not happy with so you're not 'argumentative'. Being happy to spend money on himself to celebrate with his friends but not on going on holiday with you or taking you with him is just mean. Have you had any trips or leave? Wanting to spend the majority of your annual leave with your partner isn't unusual or petty

Motoko · 09/01/2019 17:02

Hmm, I think these weddings are the least of your problems. He's shown red flags, turning things around on you to stop you going on about it, uneven finances etc.

Have you discussed how finances will be split when you're married?

I think it will be a mistake marrying him, but you'll go ahead and do it anyway, but stop believing his gaslighting. You're not being unreasonable, don't allow him to shut you down when you disagree with him.

Motoko · 09/01/2019 17:04

Oh, and tell him he can't go to any more weddings. He needs to save up his money for the house and wedding, and save his holiday leave for you both to go away.

Dahlietta · 10/01/2019 13:56

Dahlietta really?

Really, no way. I mean, if we were all invited, but we couldn't really face taking the children and it was a really good friend then we might agree it was best for him to go on his own, but if I weren't even invited, then no, he absolutely wouldn't bother.

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