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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel left out by DP friends?

75 replies

Melandre · 09/01/2019 09:54

First post here from a longtime lurker, and sorry it’s another wedding one!!
To try and summarise: DP is from another country. He’s lived in the uk for about 4 years but aside from work colleagues who he doesn’t see outside work, he hasn’t really made any friends here and would still consider his friends the people from his home country he went to uni/school with. I’ve met probably a third of them because most still live in the home country and we only go there once a year or so.
DP and I are engaged. It was very important to him to invite lots of his home friends to the wedding, which at c100/head isn’t cheap (his argument is that in his culture weddings are much larger.) I originally wanted a small, more low key wedding but compromised at 100 guests which is obviously costing a fair bit. We are both saving very hard for it alongside house savings, and my parents have given us about a quarter of the money.

My AIBU is though related to the fact that for the last 2 years as DP’s home friends have been getting married/engaged, I am consistently never invited to the weddings (which invariably take place abroad, as do the stag do’s he goes to, so it ends up costing a lot of money and annual leave. Example: Last summer he had 2 stag dos and 2 weddings abroad in 8 weeks, and we didn’t have any annual leave or cash left for a holiday together until the beginning of this heat. Yesterday it transpired that he’s got another wedding and stag abroad in May/June (around my birthday also!), and I’m not invited to the wedding again! The invites are always addressed just to DP despite the friends being aware that we are a long term couple who live together and are engaged (the couple who have only invited DP this time, are also both invited to our wedding this summer.)

AIBU to feel frustrated and left out? It’s like his home friends still see him as their single mate, and I just don’t get the opportunities to meet them that would presumably make them want to include me... our wedding is costing a lot and it annoys me that we are paying for these friends who have never included me in their invites to DP. He accused me of being petty and ridiculous and said I shouldn’t see it that way. He’s probably right.... I just don’t know. I just feel really irritated at the constant snubs and the fact that I’d never dream of not inviting a long term/fiancé/married plus one with our friends to our wedding, it seems rude. I also really don’t want another year or even more of not being invited while DP uses up his holiday budget and annual leave on weddings without me, and we yet again don’t get a proper holiday together.

AIBU to feel this way?!?

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 09/01/2019 12:45

Are your u not invited because not married? You could return that favour, but not to the ones who didn't invite you to theirs.

viques · 09/01/2019 12:48

I think he needs to stop accepting invitations to his friends weddings! If they are good friends you have probably already invited them to your own wedding so he can easily say that he is saving for that and is looking forward to seeing the other couple then.

If most of his friends are still living in the home country they they probably don't appreciate how much financially and in terms of time their weddings are costing you. I doubt that many of his getting marred friends are coming to the UK for expensive holidays just before their own weddings! Maybe when they come for your wedding, and realise how much flights and accommodation costs add up they will be more understanding.

Original poster
Melandre · 09/01/2019 12:49

The thing is because theees not much he can do about who his friends invite, I don’t know if he is being that selfish. We got in a little argument because he revealed that he got the invite for the latest wedding in December and didn’t want to show it to me “because he knew it would make me start an argument”. That kind of upset me as it made it seem like I was being unreasonable at all to not like being snubbed from a number of weddings.. as though I was the one at fault. He just doesn’t like talking about it and shuts down as I think he feels like it’s out of his hands. He goes on 4 day work trips abroad about every other month as well, and so I spent quite a lot of last year especially the summer feeling lonely and second fiddle. I just didn’t want that to keep happening. Maybe naively I thought getting engaged would level up my status in the eyes of his home friends?
Argh, it’s such a tricky situation. I feel like I’ve been unreasonable but I also know that my gut always feels hurt when this happens. Ima bit embarrassed of it tbh so have only talked about it to one friend in real life.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 09/01/2019 12:49

YANBU. He's being very hurtful, and if he knows this on any level then he's a prick; if he doesn't then he's spectacularly thoughtless and dare I say a bit dim.

you should sit down now and discuss your budget for holidays, and how much you're going to spend on a family holiday. Then agree he can only accept further invites if they fit within the budget and don't take away funds from the family holiday.

I'd suggest this. I suspect he won't react well to it.

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 12:51

Honestly, I don't think what you have posted here is unreasonable.

mumsastudent · 09/01/2019 12:52

I wonder how many of the people he has invited will turn up? have you sent the invitations yet or has he asked people & they have said yes? I am afraid in some places showing that as a migrant you have succeed financially to people from back home is not an infrequent occurrence & maybe the reason behind his big wedding plans. (he maybe concerned about his family back home)

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 12:52

You have had some good, practical suggestions above as to how to approach this.

Good luck.

Mildmanneredmum · 09/01/2019 12:57

I hate to say this, but do you get to see photos of the events you don't attend? I'm just hoping that there isn't somebody else from his home country accompanying him..... But then, I have a very suspicious mind, OP. Good luck.

gamerchick · 09/01/2019 12:58

You know OP, I had the wedding I didn't want and I still 8 yrs on won't look at the wedding photos.

If you agree to this I'm thinking you'll spend your wedding day mostly alone while he socialises with his friends and their partners. If it's sticking in your throat now it will even more then.

If I could go back I would have the small comfortable wedding I wanted in the first place.

Tell him you want to scale it back and partners aren't invited and if this isn't acceptable then maybe put the wedding off until you're both more on an even keel with compromising.

Dahlietta · 09/01/2019 13:01

The thing is because theees not much he can do about who his friends invite, I don’t know if he is being that selfish

I can't really imagine my DH going to an overseas wedding to which I was not invited unless there were very peculiar circumstances. He could easily politely decline.

Original poster
Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:03

Dahlietta really? Because his home country is very close to uk, think up to 1 hour flight time, I don’t think he sees it as going to exotic “overseas wedding” (even though logistically it does take time, effort, money) Would others DPs do or not do this habitually?

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/01/2019 13:04

Hee being shit. It's all on his terms. You're using your savings and your parents money to pay for a wedding that he wants. He is using his holiday to go to his friends weddings and stag do's. He's using money he could have put towards a wedding. He's not considering you at all.

I think he should be declining the stag do's (nobody should expect him to go twice) and explain to them that you're saving for a wedding together and he hasn't the annual leave so please could you go with him so you can have a holiday. No body should begrudge this

Thewhothewhatnow · 09/01/2019 13:07

Is there a language barrier? Perhaps they don't want to have to go to effort of speaking English if you're around - I'm totally clutching at straws tho. Otherwise it's very rude.

DarlingNikita · 09/01/2019 13:07

Would others DPs do or not do this habitually?

I think the key points are that because of what he does you are short of annual leave and money for holidays together; and that he's proposing to be away around your birthday.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 09/01/2019 13:10

Have all these people RSVPd to yours? It sounds like your DP is just a casual distant friend to them (hence only inviting him not his partner) whereas he is going all out to impress. They may well come because it’s a fun chance to see an “English wedding” but not for your DP per se. If he hasn’t made friends here in 4 years perhaps he’s just not very social and clings to friends from back home tenuously by putting in all the effort since otherwise he finds it hard to make friends?
Does he get along with your friends? Have you met any of his friends?

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 13:10

I've declined wedding invites before now. Attendance is not compulsory. Especially when ones partner isn't invited! Or a lot of travel and annual leave is involved.

Friedspamfritters · 09/01/2019 13:11

I think this is a no brainer you invite his friends to your wedding but don't include +1s for any of them. I've been to weddings where my DH wasn't invited because they couldn't afford it and they were childhood friends who didn't know him well. I didn't have a problem with it personally.

timeisnotaline · 09/01/2019 13:11

Absolutely lock in your family holiday and budget for that immediately.
You say he probably feels bad for you. I can’t see the evidence for this actually. I’d be worried you will get married and still feel alone and left out. Have a discussion about what happens with friends wedding invites once you’re married. If you’re not included then I would expect him not to go. If he doesn’t think that’s fair I think you need to consider whether married means the same thing to both of you.

Friedspamfritters · 09/01/2019 13:12

Although DP shouldn't be using all his holiday budget on trips that don't include you - that would be the real issue to me. You're building a life together.

FayFortune · 09/01/2019 13:13

Practical point:
To control costs has the venue asked you to give notice of actual numbers nearer the date? Ours did this although there was a minimum catered number we would have to pay for.

Original poster
Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:13

Zaphod I think that’s part of it. Because he has some family over here he socialises with them and with me/my family/friends. He has a couple of home friends who also live near us but I wouldn’t say he sees them regularly. They all have WhatsApp groups etc. I just think he’s never found his feet here socially in the uk and he’s a bit of an introvert as well, so he still sticks with the default home friends. But you’re right that he seems to prize those friendships higher than vice versa. I tend to make friends naturally through work/hobbies/other friends, but have never lived abrlad so accept that may be harder for expats (although I do have a lot of friends and work colleagues from other countries who are very integrated with friends here!)

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 09/01/2019 13:14

No, op, most people's dp would not do this habitually. You say his friends see him as a single man. Well, it seems he sees himself as a single man. His loyalty should be to you. He cannot justifiably be spending so much money and annual leave on other people's weddings and stag dos.

He seems very self centred. He wants a big wedding. Which your parents are subsidizing. Are his parent helping out in a similar manner since big weddings are the done thing in his culture? Why are you and your family paying to host his friends who don't reciprocate?

He's immature and doesn't prioritize you or your relationship. He will always prioritize his friends. Sorry to say, he doesn't sound like a good partner. You will always have these arguments where you will be fighting to be put first. I've been there. I'm divorcing now.

Original poster
Melandre · 09/01/2019 13:20

No his family aren’t contributing to the wedding. I believe they did to his sisters. I agree about feeling resentful about my side paying more for the wedding he wanted but that seems really “petty” and “small” (which are the words he accused me with.)
I don’t really want to be all “cool wife” - yes go ahead, have multiple trips abroad without me, I don’t care. I do care whether it’s petty or not!
I also wouldn’t even want to go to a wedding solo! Dp is my best friend and I would want to share a party like that with him if at all possible, without him might feel weird. This doesn’t seem to bother him, he has been to enough do’s back home on his own.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 09/01/2019 13:20

Yanbu. I think it suits him to do these trips alone. I also think you need to grow a backbone and stop being railroaded i to a wedding you dont want/ cant afford .

  1. he can't go to this next wedding. Enough is enough. Give him some incentive to persuade his friends to invite you. You do realise theyre looking at the invite list and saying oh no dont invite his girlfriend he is happy to come alone.

  2. dont invite plus ones for the ones who snubbed you. Its nonsense to say oh we have a big venue so now we must fill it. These things are flexible. How many snubers are there it will make such a dent in your numbers? Dont feed and water these people, treat them as they dhow you theyre happy to be treated.

Mitzimaybe · 09/01/2019 13:20

YANBU and I would not be marrying a man who prioritised stag do's and weddings I'm not invited to over a joint holiday for us both, nor someone who spent savings we needed for our wedding / home on attending them. Even more of a red flag if he doesn't understand why you would be upset about it.