To leave my 2 year old screaming on the bottom step?

[Passthepigs]

DS is 26 months. He wanted my orange juice in a glass. I poured some out into a plastic beaker for him but he wanted the glass. Big tantrum and screaming for glass which I ignored.

He has now just thrown my empty glass across the lounge. Luckily on to carpet so no breakages but he has been told off and put on the bottom step. He is now screaming the place down, not restrained to the step in any way but is choosing to sit there and stage his huge tantrum!

AIBU to completely zone out and leave him! I have no idea how to discipline a 2 year old!!

I sit with my toddler while he's tantruming. I don't hug him, or touch him (unless he's decided to do it somewhere dangerous). I make sort of soothing noises. Then when he's ready he usually turns, hugs me and off we go. My thoughts that he doesn't enjoy hus tantrums at all and finds them quite frightening. It's my job to teach him how to gain control of them and how to regulate his emotions. I have left him to it once or twice, but only becuase I found myself getting frustrated and angry. But I think it works better, and he seems to calm himself better when I'm around showing him that it's OK. I don't think a 2 or 3 Yr old is being an arse. Even if they are tantruming becuase they want something they can't have. They are just learning about the world and themselves.

I didn’t give him the glass because he is going through a phase of throwing at the minute and we have tiled kitchen floors so it’s dangerous. He does use them sometimes in cafes etc when he is closely supervised.

The beaker was plastic but was an open beaker just like a cup. No lid. I don’t mind the spillages, it’s broken glass I worry about.

New meltdown now over getting dressed! Wants his Mickey PJ top on and not clothes. We have comprised and he has a clean vest and t-shirt on with the PJ’s on top. Think it’s going to be one of those days!

We had a phrase for this phase. Do you want to go and get teddy and lie on the sofa until you're feeling calm.

They learn to sort out their emotions much faster if you leave them to self calm. They're on the sofa so not isolated and if they e got teddy they're generally not screaming.

I only worked this out with DC 2. DC1 had epic tantrums, one that once lasted 13 hours.

A child that is 2 is not an arse, they are being a child ffs! Sometimes children act like this becuase they are 2 are don’t yet understand they can’t have everything they want and are not old enough to reason with.

Yes I think leaving him on the step to calm down on his own is perfectly ok. Then you have a cuddle and go about your day

I used the arse comment to differentiate between a child in genuine distress and one not getting his own way, there is a difference IMO and experience.
2 year olds are much more savvy then people give them credit for.

Tantrums require an audience. They tend to Peter out quite quickly when no one is watching!

There is another way. Discipline is teaching and ignoring something isn't always the best way to learn, especially not something like human emotions and interactions. Toddler tantrums occur because they're overwhelmed with their emotions and don't have the skills to cope. Ever heard of 'kids behave badly when they feel bad'? 'When they're at their worst they need you the most' is another good mantra in the moment. Their brains are flooded with stress hormones and they feel so many strong emotions, ignoring them can increase their desperation, frustration and fear. When those parts of the brain are activated they cannot help this behaviour unless scared out of it (e.g. this activates the need to maintain parental love and care if the parent withdraws - this is the most primal instinct and what is really happening when they outwardly stop the tantrum and say whatever the parent requests to regain attention). Manipulation in this scenario is a myth - what they display is a reaction. If they could cope with all that at 2 years old then it wouldn't be happening in the first place. A lot of adults can't cope with strong emotions and although the incidents themselves are miniscule to us they feel that big for a toddler with limited understanding and verbal communication.

You can enforce boundaries whilst still being empathetic and helping them to learn how to cope with frustration.

Looking at their perspective can also help. It's funny how often you come to realise you're saying No for the sake of it or because it's what was said to you, or because you fear you'll be a pushover, or because you're tired and it's easier. When you consistently take a moment to re-evaluate it can be liberating. For example, glass is used at this age in Montessori and the children learn they are competent, are respectful with things and one another and have few accidents. Shot glasses and espresso cups are perfect). The general approach of understanding their perspective really models respectful co-operative behaviour which is very useful.

You can verbalize that you understand what they want, what they feel, what has to happen and why. Once they understand themselves and their emotions they aren't so overwhelming which not only prevents the initial tantrum but also develops their self understanding, emotional literacy and ability to cope with every further situation. If they know you're there to help there is also less panic or quick escalation. In contrast, when ignored they become even more frustrated and can't learn, they exhaust themselves, and all that's left are messages that aren't very healthy (do as I say or i won't be there for you, emotions are bad/scary/unacceptable). Guiding them through appropriate alternatives can model and teach them what these feelings are, why they happen and how to manage them. They also maintain a healthy attachment and a co-operative problem solving approach which is much more effective and pleasant for everyone now and as they get older.

Very rambly and long but maybe something will be a little useful.

In situations like this with my 23mo I fimly but calmly express that it was not kind, and ask her to sign/say sorry.
I wouldn't leave her on the step completely on her own, I'd sit next to her and say we don't throw, cuddle her, then leave her, repeat this / or distract until she stopped the tantrum.

Sorry didn't read all the posts. Throwing is a common learning schema at this stage, so another way to alleviate tantrums is to ensure they have plenty of opportunities to work on that developmental need so that it isn't expressed inappropriately. Once you're aware of a 'phase' you can make sure there is plenty time to work on it, so lots of experimenting with gravity/dropping different things and throwing games with balls, teddys, bean bags, balloons etc. So aswel as being happy and developing skills it's also preventative. When that need is met then it's very unlikely to happen at the wrong time with the wrong item, especially when given instruction and guidance into how to use items safely.

Tantrums require an audience. They tend to Peter out quite quickly when no one is watching!

I'm currently not watching my nearly 4 yr old doing his best pretending to cry noise with occasional primal screams for throwing his sandwich and trying to stamp on it, he wanted ham and cucumber-now hates cucumber?.

It gets better, but tantrums will happen for the next few years and you'll end up stressed if you try to end each and every one.

Thanks everyone!

We’ve had a tough morning- he has moved up a group at Tumble Tots and was not at all impressed with the changes and new class structure. And tomorrow he has to go to a different childminder as mine is off sick... he hates new people, especially adults and doesn’t like being left. It’s going to be a long day!

Just worked through a mega tantrum here. Often my very existence seems to make it worse. After a spell on the step (which just made DD scream even more and woke the baby that I'd only just settled), I eventually phoned DH at work because he can often talk DD down, but didn't realise quite how loud DDs screaming would sound on the phone. Apparently she came across alarmingly loud on the (very quiet) open plan floor plate and caused quite a stir! Oops.
We're 'best friends' now again apparently though, so all is forgotten.

It's really worrying to see comments suggesting a toddler is deliberately being "an arse" or out to prove a mother wrong - our children deserve postive strokes and praise and loving affection - we may not have had it ourselves - myself included - remembered the pain it inflicted on me so I preferred to give my sons what I never had - if my mother hadn't withheld affection, approval and also used physical punishment - signalling that hitting is all part of a supposedly "loving" relationship - I'd never have accepted similar domestic abuses in adulthood -I've also only just learned the real meaning of coercive control - it's quite horrific how we mimic what we've witnessed/experienced in childhood. Our first role models have a lot to answer for if they neglect to protect and actually demonstrate their love for the vulnerable child that never asked to be born. World renowned author Alice Miller's book "Drama of the Gifted Child" finally gave me permission to condemn my mother's behaviour!

Ahh you are right to ignore it. When he’s calm, lots of love, cuddles and praise. I’m sure it’s sheer frustration at this age.

Don’t give the tantrum attention, it will pass.

I’ve noticed the teen years are an awful lot like the toddler years. Consider yourself in training for what’s to come.

Oh System wwr I so agree with all of what you've written in your first post - 'Respect' as promoted by the much respected Carl Rogers school of Counselling model that promotes respect toward the client at all times - as do children deserve this and in turn appreciate and reciprocate - In childhood I experiencing stony stares, sarcasm, sadistic punishing, hitting, being ignored and dishonesty - all of which left me feeling totally unworthy, bad and undeserving - to sleep walk straight into my first abusive adult relationship and the spouse's typical damaged punishing parent treating me like a bad child - 22yrs of apologising for being me, doubly trapped on 15yrs of cocktails of Valium - till my sons left home leaving me without a witness - My grandmother's medical negligence and drug induced death and the late arrival of her geriatrician condemning her drugs rang alarm bells. The shock of reading up on horrific side effect warnings e.g. "possible brain damage with longterm use, addiction and amnesia" what more does a womanising spouse need! - I just couldn't trust myself to even speak to the GP - That was before I ever got access to comments in my notes unjustly siding with my philandering spouse - suggesting I was making my children miserable and the spouse had "stuck by her all these years!" It wasn't safe to slowly wean myself off the drugs I had to go "cold turkey" off what in the '50s they called "mothers' little helpers" ( apparently worse than heroin to get off according to an ex user) - Within less than a month I saw who I'd endured for more than two decades - and left despite losing my job, only weeks from major abdominal surgery for ovarian cyst. On housing and sickness benefit moving 5 times in 6 months. Roughed up by the first landlord discovering me unemployed. Water cut off by the second after taking money up front - eventually savings run out forced me back home to cope with attempted strangulation - I was still ignorant of my basic human rights in 1987- so he got away with it- A hardened upbringing left me incapable of protecting or being good to myself - Decades its taken to re-educate myself - I've been through 3 abusive so-called "relationships" Predictably my sons chose dysfunctional partners also from highly damaged childhoods whose parents were in alcoholic relationships - Having witnessed a downtrodden mother with chronic low self worth. Despite my years of therapy turning the Titanic around doesn't happen overnight. World renowned author former psychologist the late Alice Miller predicted hitting a child will destroy its self worth. It also destroys its sense of trust for a parent that has inflicted pain on it - yet it's the one person a child should be able to rely on for support, love and protection - hence the typical vicious circle of an abusive marriage involving abuse, apologies " I do it because I love you!" The unjust accepting of all the blame in the battered wife syndrome.

@evie190
Your post is difficult to read but I notice you mention hitting- I don't think anyone advised the OP to do that?

If you have no idea how to discipline a 2 year old I'd really recommend the website ahaparenting.com. Run by a US psychologist, it has action plans for each age group (it suggests not ignoring but gives very specific plans for what to do). I'm not perfect though and sometimes I need to just walk away.

Yes, its fine to ignore a toddler tantrum. You don't "discipline" toddlers. You ignore the behaviour you don't want and reward the behaviour you do want. Anticipation preventing a toddler goes a long way. What you dont do is punish

Remember that he has literally no control over his emotions in that state so it's important that while you never give on to a tantrum (or he'll learn to kick up a fuss deliberately) but also you remember he needs help calming down.

Developmentally the quickest way to help teach a child to stay calm is co-regulation where you basically remain calm and present and help them cobtrol their emotions. Eventually they learn to do it independently.

When they're in full on tantrum they basically don't have access to the logical side of their brain so reasoning/pleading/threatening doesn't help just be calm and cibfidebbthat the feelings will pass (if you feel yourself losing your calm step out of the room).

I think when ForInstance said 'being an arse' she was talking about how her mum had referred to her tantrums as a child. I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested tantrumming 2 year olds are being arses!

ForInstance, I really feel for you. My mum was the same. I was a good kid, but I'd be punished with coldness and being ignored if I weren't constantly quiet and acting "nicely".

I think all the advice given here has been really helpful. I don't have a child but I do have a 2 year old nephew, so am taking notes for the next time I look after him!

Thanks everyone for the advice!

Next one... how do I get him to try foods?! He used to eat anything and everything but has become really fussy! Made him dinner tonight and the only bits he will touch are the carrots and green beans, the rest he won’t even put in his mouth. I usually don’t allow pudding unless he has tried one bite of everything but I’m not sure he really understands this!

Ignore
Tickle /make laugh
Pretend to have a tantrum yourself

Next one... how do I get him to try foods?!

^^

Sit alone at the table and pretend to eat it yourself.

Anymore for anymore?

Sigh. My daughter was such a lovely two year old. She is now 3.5 and we have entered the “I can do it!”, “NOOOOO MUMMY” and stamping foot stage. It’s just so dramatic. I assume this phase will last at least 15years.