To not understand lack of reciprocity

[PotteryLottery]

Y5 DD received a lovely thank you card from her classmate for a Xmas present.

But the friend didn't give DD a Xmas present.

If you don't reciprocate, why not?

A lot of people lack manners these days

You have to draw the line somewhere.

I give presents because I want to give presents. Not to get one back.

Agree with the line drawing. Your DDs friend has shown lovely manners with the thank you card.

Did your dd give the present on the last day of term so she didn't know she was going to get it?

Every family will set their own limits on what they do for gift buying. Budgets will perhaps not stretch to friends. If they buy for one friend, why not another? Or another three who are all on a friendship 'level'?

Or, as in our family, if we let one child buy a friend a present, it automatically means we have 3 presents to buy, because we have 3 DD's, and it's unfair to allow one to treat a friend and not another.

Well, if your DD gave her friend a present but didn't get one back, I'd assume the parents didn't want to get into exchanging gifts with lots of school friends. So friend (prompted by parents) wrote a lovely thank you note - very good - but didn't buy a present for your DD so as not to set up a precedent for subsequent years.

We decided a couple of years ago to try and cut down on sending Christmas cards, so have gone from 70 plus to 50 plus. A couple we like very much, but who are not close friends, sent a card last year and this year, but we haven't sent one back. If we had their address we might have! As it is I do feel slightly embarrassed, and hope they will stop.

What?! You're asking why a nine/ten year old didn't get your ten year old a present? Do you simply give to receive? The thank you card sounds a lovely gesture.

Because I don't want to. It's not in my budget, and presents shouldn't be on a for for tat basis anyway

Is your DD upset that she didn't get a gift in return? Because that's an awful attitude to have.
Or are you upset, because again, that's an awful attitude to have.

Sounds like friend/friend’s parents weren’t expecting a present from you, so hadn’t bought one for your DD. In that situation you have to decide whether to rush out and buy one - or whether you want to avoid setting the precedent. Sounds like they’ve gone for the latter option, while at the same time remaining polite. I’d take it as a sign not to “do presents” next year.

Ahhh this is a nightmare and after a few years buying what seemed like hundreds of bits of tat for dc’s to give to friends for Xmas we gave them fair warning that it was stopping and we would concentrate on giving their friends nice personalised presents throughout the year.
I just got so overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff that was being exchanged and heading to landfill weeks later, it was hard the first couple of years as some people just wouldn’t listen and the urge to reciprocate with a last minute offering was strong but I’m glad we held fast, Xmas is so much more enjoyable now, we also told friends and family with smaller dc’s we thought it was better to stop exchanging too (it got to the point that as they got older we where literally just exchanging cards with cash in them!) most where genuinely relieved, get off the treadmill while you can op 😂

Don't give gifts if you only give to receive.

Maybe they didn’t budget for a present?

I was caught out by someone gifting my ds a present. It was too late for me to get something.... (end of term) and we were away at Christmas.

You gave them an 'ambush' present! They weren't expecting it. It probably embarrassed them. They didn't budget for it.

Oh I hate ambush presents.

What Lougle said.

At Christmas, I have always had more than enough presents to get - financially, time consuming wise, 'thinking' time (what to get them), wrapping, remembering to take places. If I'd started getting them for the dcs' school friends as well, that could be another 9 - 12 presents to add to the list. I really would NOT have got in to that.

I was thinking how nice of your dd's friend to write her a thank you note.

They both exchanged gifts last year. DD gave the present a few days before the end of term.

DD not upset and if she wants to give a present next year she can.

I've read on MN that people get upset if they don't receive a party invite or Secret Santa present. I don't understand why the rules for this are different.

I've read on MN that people get upset if they don't receive a party invite or Secret Santa present.
Some people.

Do you keep an excel spread sheet / balance sheet of presents given and received?

This is a good lesson for your daughter. You give a gift because you want the receiver to feel special, not because you expect something back.

Well, the whole point of secret santa is you all buy one present and receive one back.
Party invite upsets are about feeling left out / rejected.

A Christmas present between friends in y5 is pretty unusual I would think. (if it costs more than ~£3.)

A Secret Santa is an agreed co-operative gift exchange with set rules of engagement. You don't give, you don't take. What your DD have should have been a freely given gift with no expectation of return.