To not understand lack of reciprocity

[PotteryLottery]

Y5 DD received a lovely thank you card from her classmate for a Xmas present.

But the friend didn't give DD a Xmas present.

If you don't reciprocate, why not?

Grabby McGrabby Pants

She got a thank you card. That's fine. Not everyone does school friend's presents and at that age it's probably a good proportion what the parents think.

I remember when I was at school gift giving was a whole mine field. Some of my friends had very limited pocket money and an extra present to give meant them not having their school lunch.

I remember twice being very embarrassed. One I'd won a prize on a tombola and thought one of my friends would love it, and gave it to her for Christmas. She was totally overwhelmed with it, and I felt really bad that she thought I'd spent more than usual, and I think she felt embarrassed that my present looked less than hers.

Another time a girl who I got along fine with, but wasn't especially friendly with brought me a lovely present and I hadn't got anything for her. I felt terrible. Thankfully, my two closest friends saw how awkward I felt and between us we managed to get something together. After that I used to bring in a small spare present.

My eldest dd 's friendship group does secret santa. They do it quite carefully, and give people the option of coming in or not etc. Even so she was telling me that last year it caused a ruction in the group.

mum is probably wanting to phase this out because it's an unnecessary expense / burden. You don't know if one of the parents lost their job at the end of last year or what expenses they've had. Just be glad they sent a thank you card. I think that's very nice.

Maybe the family finances have changed?
Maybe last year the Girl gave your DD something unused of hers but this year didn’t have anything to get.
Maybe the family have stuff going on -illness/redundancy/other stresses that meant buying presents for friends of thier children waasnt high on thier list of priorities
Maybe the girl fell out with your DD for half an hour so decided not to get her a present.

It’s not like buying a present for a niece (where it would generally be expected in most families) buying for friends fluctuates and things change year on year.

@PotteryLottery only one or two friends receive gifts, whereas up to 50 could receive party invites... meaning if you don't get one you are far less important to the inviter than you are to the friend who may have only gifted one best friend.
Secret Santa is preorganised and you only take part if you want to, meaning if you don't get a gift then someone has been assigned you and chosen not to bother.

V different from a child giving a mate a gift. Maybe her mum and dad didn't have much left over this year.

How lovely that the friend sent her a thank you note.
How lovely that your daughter isn’t phased by no present in return, she sounds like a lovely girl.
People may not reciprocate because:
They don’t want to
They can’t afford to
Peoples financial situations change
It’s too late
They haven’t even thought about it, they might be having life, work or family issues
Her parents may not know anything about it
They don’t give to receive or feel the need to join in with any of that utterly entitled, ridiculous and gross Christmas present behaviour.

Also, just because it happened once, it doesn’t mean it has to continue by law by some kind of fantasy Christmas decree. People get obsessed with these rules they make up about giving and receiving and it drives me mad.and it puts unnecessary financial burdens on people who often really can’t afford even token gifts.

Well it's up to the child's parents to buy gifts on their children's behalf so you can't blame the kid. Parents may have had loads of people to buy for and it slipped their mind.

Try not to think about it, at least the girl gave your daughter a lovely 'Thank you' card and lots of people don't even get one of those!

DD (yr 5) got a present from her classmate, which was nice but i’m not buying one in return and DD doesn’t have her own income so a thank you letter is the only way she has of reciprocating

Eh? Secret Santa is something you opt into.
YABU. Your DDS friend has lovely manners.

The thing is that not everyone feels the same about presents. Some people don't want loads of stuff. The friend's mother might be calling a halt to unwanted present-receiving and buying. It doesn't mean she isn't appreciative of the gesture, hence the lovely thank you card. But maybe she has lots of family, so is already given huge amounts and doesn't want to encourage giving any more.

Witchend oh god I can remember this minefield as a teenager. Makes me sweat thinking about it, haha. I had near on your experiences exactly.
I think that teenage girls can be kinder and more understanding about gifts and giving or not giving than most adults.

is this real? why didnt a 9 year old give a present back

maybe because it ends up costing parents a fortune

I wouldn't expect to get a gift back from a kid that age.

dd1 is in yr 6. She doesn't get pocket money. Why would she need it?
She did buy her closest friends a little present that she chose.

I hate being given Xmas presents by school mum friends - I don't buy for my closest friends nor adult relatives, so certainly wouldn't for school mum friends.
It just adds to the spending list, tat you receive and never use. Totally frustrating, embarrassing and awkward. I am not going to rush out and buy gifts in return in a never ending tit-for-tat.

It’s pretty horrible to be wondering why a 10 year old didn’t reciprocate a present.

I always opt out of secret Santas because generally I don’t like waste and we don’t have a lot of room for random gifts.

I agree it sounds like the other family don’t want to exchange gifts. Perhaps it’s kinder for your daughter not to give a present. Can’t she make a nice card instead?

YABU and need to look up the definition of the word "gift".

Does your daughter not get everything she needs provided by you?

Vulgar attitude OP.

for clarification