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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have never felt more stuck in my life..

63 replies

flowergirl24 · 08/01/2019 17:56

My parents helped us to buy our house. It’s next door to them. Living next door has been driving me and my DH totally mad. They are incredibly controlling and have crossed the line several times about how we raise our children, etc.

As they helped us to buy, we can’t sell it (although we didn’t know this would be a condition of theirs at the time of the sale).

I just want to leave the situation and have decided to rent out the house and move elsewhere. However, as soon as I mentioned this to them, they now have said that they would like to move in to our house while they get work done on theirs! FFS I just want out of the whole situation. They have potentially said they will pay rent but I would feel bad taking it from them as they helped us to buy it.

If they move in to our house, there will be no peace and I just want to move well away! If I could sell it, I would. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hidillyho · 08/01/2019 18:47

Sell it. You will end up worse off it you stay next to them or allow them to bully you further. This is not normal behaviour when helping your children out

OutPinked · 08/01/2019 18:49

Sell it and move 10000 miles away.

But seriously, how did you not realise living next door to your parents would be HELL?

Surfskatefamily · 08/01/2019 18:50

Sell. You can by the way they are just being ridiculous. Tell them this behaviour will only push you away

If they dont speak to you for a bit then so be it. Im sure it will eventually blow over.
Op you get one life, live it on your terms

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 08/01/2019 18:53

I hate confrontation and I don’t want to have this fight with them

I don't want to sound brutal, but the reality is that there is no outcome to this situation that doesn't involve conflict.

Either you have the big fight now, or you spend then next however-many decades (all your life?) having a million conflicts every time they decide they want you to do something. "Just putting up with it" is a sort of option but I don't think your marriage or your peace of mind will survive it.

So, since conflict, hurt feelings, emotional blackmail and your parents being angry/upset is UNAVOIDABLE, you might as well give yourself the advantage of picking the battleground. And I think selling the house is a good one.

Best of luck, OP. You can do this.

Waffles80 · 08/01/2019 18:53

If you own the house, then it’s yours to sell.

It sounds to me like the relationship is already pretty damaged. If you stay in the house, they will continue to ruin your lives and further damage will be done to the relationship. If you leave, they won’t be able to continue to have such a negative impact, and they won’t speak to you, and thus further damage would be done. Both situations are utterly rubbish, but the second option at least stops their constant interference.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I know which option I would take.

needanappp · 08/01/2019 18:56

Honestly it's horrible that they're making you feel like this. You're compromising your happiness for theirs which is a position they shouldn't be putting you in as parents! As others have rightly said it's emotional blackmail.

I'm sure they'd get over it if you moved. It's either that or, being blunt you have to suck it up and stay there. You have complete control over what happens with the house, it's just weighing up what is worse for you. Living as you are now or chancing a fractured relationship if you sell.

Also, just because they helped with the deposit, it doesn't give them the right to expect to be able to move in during renovations. They are acting as if they have some sort of legal claim to the property when the fact is that they don't!

bastardkitty · 08/01/2019 18:58

You can and should sell it. You are not stuck at all. You are scared to disobey your parents and worried about the fallout, but they have no power or control here at all. Don't have a for sale sign. Don't tell them. Set yourself free.

MrsBobDylan · 08/01/2019 19:00

So you can't sell it due to emotional reasons (i.e your controlling parents will purportedly break) rather than legal reasons?

Fuck em and get it sold. By not selling you are bending to their will again. Give them their money back and never, ever, ever, never offer for one of them to live with you when they become unable to cope in their own home. NEVER.

cptartapp · 08/01/2019 19:03

SIL and BIL bought the house next door to PIL years ago. FIL has put hours and hours of work into renovating it for them, but PIL have crossed the line many times with regard to the GC. The GC, now teens, have become resentful at their constant interference, and even leave the key in the door so they can't get in. PIL are ageing and now expect the help to be repaid. SIL would like to move but feels beholden. Years of elderly care stretch out in front of her. No answers but sympathy. Nightmare all round.

Maelstrop · 08/01/2019 19:05

Is there enough equity in the house to allow you to buy/rent elsewhere if you sell and pay back your parents? Legally, you are entitled to sell, so woman up and do so. Or are you going to live next door to your parents forever? Don't allow them to move on and 'potentially' pay rent, nor do I think it's a good idea to rent it to someone else who would be annoyed at your parents living next door.

Get out, OP, the situation is shit and they're making it more shit!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 08/01/2019 19:08

Try selling. Don’t tell them, don’t have a for sale sign, and warn the agent that the neighbours might make trouble if they find out.

Say a firm No to your parents moving in!

And if selling it proves too hard, rent it out and move away first.

Your parents will either get used to the idea or they will be utter nightmares that you’re better off without.

Whatever you do, do it soon. It won’t get easier with waiting.

lightlypoached · 08/01/2019 19:10

OP you have one life. Live it for you and not for others. You are miserable and that’s not OK. You owe it to yourself to move on. Get some counselling, work on your self esteem, gather your strength to step away from this suffocating, did functioninal situation You deserve better than to be treated poorly for the rest of your life (or theirs).
Seriously, get some professional help - it’s the more specific version of pulling on your big girl pants. You can do this.

FFSFFSFFS · 08/01/2019 19:12

my dad has threatened to never speak to us again if we sell

I'd say thats a result. And I don't say that flippantly.

Sell and buy on other other side of the county - if the other side of the world is not possible (again, not said flippantly)

EvaHarknessRose · 08/01/2019 19:13

We’ve thought very carefully about what you said about not talking to us if we sell the house. However, I feel that living in each others pockets IS harming our relationship. We have therefore decided to put the house on the market next month and we hope very much you will wish to continue to be part of our lives. (I guess if they are really toxic then they will try to put off potential buyers). Then just grey rock - we are moving and I don’t think you are being reasonable. We have considered your request and it doesn’t work for us.

DroningOn · 08/01/2019 19:14

Get rid of the house and your parents all in one go.

Sounds like they stand to lose a lot more than you do.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/01/2019 19:19

If you don't sell the impact in your marriage could force a sale anyway. Put yourself first by selling the house, repay the help they gave you and move on somewhere as far away as you can.

SaturdayNext · 08/01/2019 19:21

Just get on and sell it, and point out that normal parents don't behave in this ridiculous way. If it would make you feel better, make arrangements to repay them.

category12 · 08/01/2019 19:22

You need to find some backbone and sell up.

It's bloody ridiculous that they propose to move into your house.

Aridane · 08/01/2019 19:30

Sell it and give your parents their m9ney back?

tempester28 · 08/01/2019 19:30

Can you or your husband get a "too good to turn down job" a distance away to give you a reason to move to another area without a complete fall out.

70sbaubles · 08/01/2019 19:31

With all due respect OP them never speaking to you again sounds fabulous, in comparison to what you are doing.
Utterly awful move, let it be a lesson.
I've had someone I dislike (a family member) move in across the road. I shall be moving when I am able. Life's too short, like you say x

PolkaDoting · 08/01/2019 19:32

How long have you lived there?

dullclothesbrightmind · 08/01/2019 19:38

You can and should sell it. You are not stuck at all. You are scared to disobey your parents and worried about the fallout, but they have no power or control here at all.

This.

They are using the fact that you are scared of their reaction to control you. It sounds like the 'condition' that you can't sell is one they made up when you wanted to escape their controlling behaviour.

If I were you I would regard this as an opportunity for personal growth. To finally put at end to what, I presume, has been a lifetime of controlling and emotionally manipulative behaviour.

Sell the house.

CoolCarrie · 08/01/2019 19:39

Sell it, it can be done without signs outside, and give them back the money. Life is too short to live like this.

CallMeRachel · 08/01/2019 19:39

Was there help to buy a loan or a gift?

Are they expecting a return on what they put in?

I think if it was a gift then they are being ridiculously controlling and are seeing your home as an extension of their own.

If they helped you buy as a loan/investment and you haven't stayed there long I can see why they're being twitchy.

Can you not sit them down and have an honest discussion about how they've been making you feel? It seems drastic to move away if all you need are healthy boundaries.
Start with changing the locks. If they're crossing the line with parenting decisions then correct them each and every time.

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