Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I a terrible person?!

41 replies

Meganrb · 08/01/2019 09:54

Tell me please honestly if what I’ve done is deceitful. Mine and my partners relationship has be rocky for a while now. Mainly due to his selfishness and laziness. We’ve been trying and it’s been getting a little better but I’ve still been contemplating leaving for a while. We have one DS together who’s 18 months old. I want another child ideally in the next year or two, he’s unsure and wants to wait until DS is 4/5 before deciding if he wants more. I think this is too late because if then he decides he doesn’t, I’m left wanting another child and being back at square one. But I don’t feel “I don’t know” is enough of a reason to leave.
Anyway the terrible bit, I’m not on any contraception as it sends me crazy and IUDs don’t work for me, had one and it hurt like hell for months. Me and OH DTD 4 days before I knew I was ovulating and I didn’t say anything. Not because I want a baby now but more because we never have sex and I didn’t want to say anything. The next day I knew I should get the morning after pill and I didn’t. I haven’t said anything to OH and yesterday I had cramping and today some spotting. I don’t know for sure that I’m pregnant and it’s too early to test, although yesterday I did and get a faint positive but I’m betting on it being an evap line as I’m only 5dpo. Anyway I know that if I am pregnant then or relationship is going to be over. And if I’m honest I kind of want it to be but I’m feeling a hell of a lot of guilt right now. Sorry for the long post I just need to vent and can’t exactly tell anyone. So yeah I’m a terrible person.

OP posts:

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/01/2019 09:56

Does your OH know you're not on any contraception at all?

If he doesn't want children then he does best responsibility himself for also ensuring it cannot happen.

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/01/2019 09:57

*bear, not best

Original poster

Meganrb · 08/01/2019 09:58

He knows yeah, he was the one that told me to stop because it makes me so ill.

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 08/01/2019 09:59

Why do you want to bring another child into a bad relationship. That is so selfish.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/01/2019 10:01

Your dh needs to take part responsibility in this, he had unprotected sex with someone he knew wasn’t on any form of contraception. That said you also knew. But, what’s done is done and there’s no turning the clock back. I’m your shoes I’d use this time to sort yourself financially and plan your future as a single parent

lmusic87 · 08/01/2019 10:01

Why did you not tell him?

Original poster

Meganrb · 08/01/2019 10:02

He’s a great dad and our relationship isn’t terrible, we work through our issues and talk all the time. It is selfish on my part I guess, your right but I’m worried that by waiting years, by the time he’s ready I won’t be able to have anymore, he’s also being selfish. Time isn’t really on my side.

OP posts:

elvis86 · 08/01/2019 10:04

Substitute "terrible" with "stupid", maybe..

YABU.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/01/2019 10:07

It is selfish on my part I guess, your right but I’m worried that by waiting years, by the time he’s ready I won’t be able to have anymore, he’s also being selfish. Time isn’t really on my side.

So it's deliberate? That puts a rather different slant on it...

If your relationship is rocky because he is selfish and lazy and you are still thinking about leaving him, it's not a good time to be having a baby. It's just not. And the fact that you might have got pregnant in this way, with him not really noticing or caring, is testament to his laziness.

That said, it's done now, if you are pregnant than you are. Can you afford to be a single parent if this all falls apart? I can't see him transforming into super dad, he's probably just going to get more selfish and more lazy.

DerelictWreck · 08/01/2019 10:08

Well, how would you feel if he got you pregnant without your consent?

Branleuse · 08/01/2019 10:09

why would your relationship be over.
He had unprotected sex with you. Its pretty well known that this is what causes pregnancy

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/01/2019 10:10

You are wanting to bring another person into a bad situation. You are totally being unreasonable.

I don’t think you are terrible person but you’re messed up. I think you need to make decisions about what you want out of life and this relationship.

gamerchick · 08/01/2019 10:11

At least admit to yourself you're deliberately trying to get pregnant.

It's selfish to bring a baby into a rocky relationship just to pacify your urges. Id hate to imagine the rows your poor kid is being subjected to and you want to bring another into it?

Your bloke has to take responsibility by knowing you're not on contraception and having unprotected sex. You can use that line when you get your bfp

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 08/01/2019 10:11

Becoming a parent, imo, is easily the biggest, most important decision one can ever make, as a human being on this planet.

And, yet here you are, so blasé, about it.

I will never understand people like you.

ExFury · 08/01/2019 10:11

Well, how would you feel if he got you pregnant without your consent?

Given he told her to stop taking the contraception and didn’t bother with condoms what on earth about a pregnancy would be remotely non consensual?!

TheFaerieQueene · 08/01/2019 10:14

In your OP you said the relationship is rocky and you are thinking of leaving. Now in you most recent post, the relationship isn’t terrible. I think you need to be realistic about your situation.

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/01/2019 10:21

I don't think you've been deceitful then in potentially getting pregnant.

He knows you want more children. He knows you are not taking any oral contraception or using implanted contraception. He chose to have sex with you.

Whether you should bring another child into a relationship you are planning on leaving is another matter. Although I know of people who have chosen to stay with a partner so their children are 100% biological siblings before leaving the relationship.

inneedahome · 08/01/2019 10:24

Not your fault at all. He knew you were not on contraception. He chose to not use a condom. Takes two to tango. He should use his brain if he really doesn't want to get your pregnant, again all the emotional burden is being left with you as it always ends up being.

I hope you get what you want from this, if he doesn't support you then I hope you leave anyway. Single mothers are still great parents and as long as you co parent well, there is no reason the child should come into any harm.

Pachyderm1 · 08/01/2019 10:26

I think this was a pretty stupid thing to do but if your DH is knowingly having unprotected sex with you he presumably knows a pregnancy could result.

Subtlecheese · 08/01/2019 10:28

You're both being reckless/ optimistic (depending on your point of view).

It is clear, your relationship needs work. Or you need to take decisive action. I think you'very buried your head in the sand (the urge to have children can be strong enough to overpower more rational feelings).
Take control of your life. Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2019 10:28

If you're not pregnant this time, will you keep having unprotected sex hoping to get pregnant, while you wait to decide whether or not you're leaving him? Are you planning to keep DTD until you get pregnant and then leave him?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/01/2019 10:34

Megan, you sound very unhappy.
You need to determine whether or not, your relationship is dead, on your part, and what you want to do about it.
Speak to your husband, tell him how you feel, but please don't bring a new baby into this, it won't make matters better.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/01/2019 10:45

Why do people bring another child in to this crap? It shouldn’t only be about what YOU want it should be about the child too, the child should be the important thing not you

You and your dp are both stupid

If you wat to leave them go ahead and do that but ffs don’t drag another child in to it

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/01/2019 10:49

Either your relationship is rocky or it isn't. Cant be both. Ignoring the laziness is the selfishness because he doesn't want a child yet? If so you can be described the same because you do want one now against his wishes. However that said he should be using contraception if you aren't and he genuinely knows you aren't. Did you actually tell him you have stopped taking it or was it more a if it is making you ill stop taking it type conversation without you actually telling him you had stopped.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2019 10:50

I don't really understand, he is aware you had unprotected sex, so a pregnancy will be no surprise. The issue is neither of you discussed the morning after pill.

Flip

1 2