Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a terrible person?!

41 replies

Meganrb · 08/01/2019 09:54

Tell me please honestly if what I’ve done is deceitful. Mine and my partners relationship has be rocky for a while now. Mainly due to his selfishness and laziness. We’ve been trying and it’s been getting a little better but I’ve still been contemplating leaving for a while. We have one DS together who’s 18 months old. I want another child ideally in the next year or two, he’s unsure and wants to wait until DS is 4/5 before deciding if he wants more. I think this is too late because if then he decides he doesn’t, I’m left wanting another child and being back at square one. But I don’t feel “I don’t know” is enough of a reason to leave.
Anyway the terrible bit, I’m not on any contraception as it sends me crazy and IUDs don’t work for me, had one and it hurt like hell for months. Me and OH DTD 4 days before I knew I was ovulating and I didn’t say anything. Not because I want a baby now but more because we never have sex and I didn’t want to say anything. The next day I knew I should get the morning after pill and I didn’t. I haven’t said anything to OH and yesterday I had cramping and today some spotting. I don’t know for sure that I’m pregnant and it’s too early to test, although yesterday I did and get a faint positive but I’m betting on it being an evap line as I’m only 5dpo. Anyway I know that if I am pregnant then or relationship is going to be over. And if I’m honest I kind of want it to be but I’m feeling a hell of a lot of guilt right now. Sorry for the long post I just need to vent and can’t exactly tell anyone. So yeah I’m a terrible person.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 08/01/2019 10:58

Do you really want to bring a child into this relationship?? Seems baffling to me.

You know a baby won't strengthen your relationship right? Will probably strain it even more. Me and my partner have a solid relationship and even we have been pushed to the edge since having a baby, mainly due to sleep deprivation etc.

You need to have a serious adult discussion with your partner about this.

dullclothesbrightmind · 08/01/2019 10:58

Anyway I know that if I am pregnant then or relationship is going to be over. And if I’m honest I kind of want it to be

Tbh this is the crux of it. You know your relationship is over. Whether you are pregnant of not you need to start planning the end of the relationship and your new life.

InkyAndBinky · 08/01/2019 10:59

I think it’s selfish and irresponsible to have another baby in your situation. Accidents happen but what you have done wasn’t an accident. You have put what you want before the needs of any potential child.

Your partner has behaved stupidly and irresponsibly too.

Having a baby/not having a baby is a big deal. It always amazes me that people put so little thought into it.

ClarabellaCTL · 08/01/2019 11:00

It sounds like OP and her DP were using her cycles to avoid falling pg. If the normal routine is for OP to say no we can't DTD for a few days as I'm ovulating, and this time she didn't say anything then it really is deceptive.

Badtasteflump · 08/01/2019 11:05

You're not a terrible person but it sounds a bit of a chaotic situation and not an ideal one to bring a new baby into.

Badtasteflump · 08/01/2019 11:07

And btw there are other alternatives to IUDs and hormonal contraceptives. It sounds like you need to talk to your GP about what alternatives would work for you if you can't work it out for yourself.

becauseimbatman · 08/01/2019 11:10

I am a little confused, you KNEW you would ovulate in 4 days? is this from full tracking or just based on last time? I wonder if you are feeling guilty about an unplanned pregnancy and have retroactively decided that you KNEW and are therefore responsible?
Ultimately people have to take responsibility for their own contraception. He knew you weren't using anything so he could have used a condom or pulled out so i don't think this is all on you but if you go to him feeling wholey responsible then you will likely allow him to blame you.

DishingOutDone · 08/01/2019 11:13

This is only going to get worse. You need to decide if you want to stay with this man - you may well be pregnant again in which case that will make the decision harder, but he might make the decision himself and leave if he is so selfish and objects to children - I'd think he was doing the right thing if he is not happy either. But whatever happens, you can't have unprotected sex until this is sorted out.

swingofthings · 08/01/2019 11:16

You wouldn't feel guilty if you were not deceptive. You are testing 5 days over ovulation which cries of desperation hoping to be pregnant. You are already posting assuming you are.

Yes you are deceitful. You need to have a serious discussion with your oh and decide what to do next sensibly.

Lovemusic33 · 08/01/2019 11:20

He knew you were not on contraception so your no 100% to blame but your have been deceitful because you knew chances of getting pregnant are high, you could have got the morning after pill the next day and you didn’t, you could have discussed it with him and let him have a choice (to get the morning after pill) but you didn’t.

The likely outcome of this is that he will leave and you will be raising 2 young children alone, or he stays and you continue to bring 2 children up around a shitty relationship, a relationship that will now be even worse because you trapped him into having another child.

I feel sorry for your dc/s

Justaboy · 08/01/2019 11:47

Well this won't be the first time a woman gets in the club accidently and on a sort of purpose will it. Anyways lets hope some decent comms with the man involved etc can make the best of the situation your now in OP!.

Jux · 08/01/2019 11:58

TBH, it pisses me off when men say they don't want a child but then are happy to literally fuck about without using condoms. Using a condom is the least they can do to ensure they aren't repopulating the world. It's as much his responsibility as the woman's and your OH knew you weren't using contraception.

Sometimes I find myself thinking "if you didn't use a condom, mate, then you must have wanted a child" ( I know that'snot true, but sometimes I just get annoyed at the blatant lack of responsibility for the consequences of their actions)

trulybadlydeeply · 08/01/2019 12:06

You know that the relationship will be over if you are pregnant, and you acknowledge that deep down you probably want it to be. You also acknowledge that you want another child fairly soon. So, if you are pregnant, you have got what you want . You'll have a lot to sort, obviously, and obviously it will be uncertain as to how involved he will want to be with the new baby.

My concern would be what will you do if you are not pregnant. Will you try this route again, as a way of getting out? Or are you going to carry on in a relationship that you really don't want to be in, which will soon have an impact on your DS, if it's not already doing so.

UniversalAunt · 08/01/2019 12:55

Stepping back a bit...

Many a relationship is rocky when a child is 18 mo. It’s a challenging time for any relationship. You say his selfishness & laziness is a key issue but you have both been trying to do better, & things have improved a bit.

You are not entirely settled in this relationship & consider ending the relationship to live as a single parent family. I assume that as you have not explicitly mentioned this that no other extra-curricular people are involved (!).

I reckon most women with an 18mo feel this way at times. The thought of a life without a pesky adult getting in the way is appealing. BUT would being a single parent who would like to have another child within a couple of years be so straightforward/easier/manageable or tolerable compared to your family life now? As you say, you don’t know, which is a sensible perspective.

So, how are you in other ways? In yourself? Might you be mildly depressed or have low key PND? I suggest you check in with your GP for a general MOT & share some of the challenges you are feeling. Are you getting enough support as a new mum? Support for him as a new dad? Did you both realise how much changes when children come along?

If you both feel you have challenges between you that you cannot resolve together, then book in with Relate for a preliminary consultation. Lead times for first appts after Chrismas holidays are long, but you may find that getting a booking in place gives you both space to breathe & start talking at a different level.

Deciding & negotiating when to have another child can be tricky & fraught. Remember that sometimes things do not go to plan & it can far long to conceive than wished. So many an odd/happy accident takes place whilst these dilemmas linger, & Lo, a new baby cometh 9 months later.

My point being that both of you know how babies are made, intellectually you are both wrangling & negotiating when next to get going on this, but at another level you have both decided at another level to take a gamble & do the deed anyway. Give fate a mighty legover.

How close you reckon you were to ovulation, unless you are a perfect ovulation tracker, you cannot actually know you were fertile AND he did not ask. Yes, you could be pregnant & no, you could not be pregnant. More stick peeing required.

So stop beating yourself up. You are not bad or terrible. Yes, you are both taking some risks. Are there other areas in your relationship where you both talk & talk round matters in an adult informed intelligent way & then opt to do what you really fancied doing anyway? Much like many couples on the planet.

Seriously, if there problems between you, go to Relate. You both have a duty to your child to do whatever you reasonably can to be a happy well-functioning family. If you cannot resolve your differences, Relate can support you both to make a decision to separate.

UniversalAunt · 10/01/2019 21:47

@Meganrb how is the sticking going?

UniversalAunt · 10/01/2019 21:47

Stick peeing...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread