Never had a complement from DH

[louise5754]

I've been reading a couple of posts where men they'll the woman she's his world, he's never felt like this before, he can't stop thinking of them, spoils them, treats them like a princess, says they can't wait for her to be the mother of their kids, they are soul mates/ best friends, he adores her, plans day nights, have amazing holidays etc.

I've never had this once. When he's home we don't even sit in the same room. I can't think of anything he's said or done to make me feel special.

I thought that was normal but now I feel miserable. I'm having a hard time with my mental health too so I'm probably feeling sorry for myself x

Well, my DH doesn't say/do any of those things either. But he does make me coffee/today in bed, cook meals, buys me small presents randomly, tells me I look good etc.

Does your DH do nothing like that? Do you not share anything, even a short walk or a TV programme?

*toast

Actions count a lot more than words.

Why don't you spend any time together? Do you plan any date nights or holidays or say anything to make him feel special?

It has to come from both of you.

My husband is not the complimenting kind, which can drive me mad, but his actions speak volumes and make me realise how loved I am.

Have you read the Four Love Languages thing?

Sorry clicked send to soon.

If he isn’t doing any of the things that could be classed demonstrations of love, then that’s something different entirely.

Do you compliment him? Do you tell him you can't wait for him to be the father of your children, make him feel like a prince? Do you tell him you never stop thinking about him and you adore him and want to take him on an expensive luxury holiday?

TBH I wouldn't be keen on those sorts of 'compliments' as they seem a bit immature, but it goes both ways.

Some people are more romantic than others, and everyone shows romance in different ways.

Life is not Disney.

No I never say anything nice to him either 😩

People show love in different ways, so compliments aren’t everything. But if he isn’t showing you love at all, I think there is a problem. Try talking to him about how you both show affection to each other, and ask how you can both work to meet each other’s needs.

What are his good points? Why are you with him? Listing the reasons might help you to see what really matters to you in your relationship.

That being said, my ex used to deliberately withhold compliments. It was a power thing and is part of the reason he’s my ex.

Whose perspective are they being posted from?

Facebook and the like don't give you a clear image of what's happening in a person's life. It's a way of portraying to the world how you want to be seen and what you want them to see.

The ott gestures are a very good way of papering over cracks and hiding the bad things which might happen. Eg 'look at this huge bunch of flowers and diamond bracelet oh got me' after they punched me for not ironing their clothes

My dh doesn't do the gushy, ott gestures like jewellery on a whim, bouquets of flowers just because etc.

But he will make me a cup of tea every morning. He will have the children fetch my slippers and pjs when I come in. He buys my favourite biscuits when they're on offer (only time I have them). He will see a programme he things I might like so records it. Little things but ones which show me I'm often in his thoughts.

Why are the two of you spending time separately? do you go in to him, do you make the gestures to him that you want to receive?

He isn't home often but when he is if we watch a series it's something he chooses otherwise we wouldn't watch it.

If we walk to the shops or to school etc he will be 6/7 metres in front. It's a running joke the amount of people that drive past and notice x

If you don’t compliment him at all then it’s not really fair to expect the reverse. Maybe he’d like the odd nice comment thrown his way? It definitely works both ways!

No I never say anything nice to him either

Then, in the nicest way possible, why do you expect it from him then?

Affection, compliments and love have to come from both parties. Mine isn't very good with words but he shows me how loved I am everyday - he makes me a coffee every morning, gets up to sort the dog so I get an extra 10-15 minutes in bed, and will do silly things like give me his last rolo. I have no doubt about his feelings for me whatsoever.

"Life is not Disney" - quite right Dartilla
In my experience the ones who make a huge song and dance about "love" are often the ones who are the cheats and the bullies.

Helping each other out, supporting each other respecting each others' choices - much more important than being told a load of drivel. ("Princess" - really ?)

Talk to him about it, how did you get together if you’ve never shown any affection for each other?

Sorry adeline - but the last Rolo?? Never!!! - He must adore you!!!!!!!

(Mine used to take the kids swimming - that to me was "love". (Getting three kids dressed/undressed, drying long wet hair, lost costumes, wet car, damp towels, moaning, stultifying boredom in the pool....)

We were set up on a blind date. So we didn't have that fancying each other or wanting to be with each other. He's always worked away Mon - Fri or for weeks or even 4-6 months at a time

If you didn’t fancy each other or want to be with each other after the blind date then why didn’t you call it off in the early stages when you realised there was no attraction? And why on earth did you marry someone that you didn’t fancy or want to be with?!

We did want to be together

I meant before the date we didn't know each other. Sometimes when you like someone you think of them and want to be an item. We didn't have that as we were set up. Sorry I can't explain it.

Why did you marry him? Do you feel in love?
Do you ever go on dates or go on holidays? What do you enjoy doing together, anything?

Was it an arranged marriage ?
I don’t see how you would get beyond the dating stage and progress to marriage without telling each other what you like about each other . Or even go from dating to the ‘ boyfriend/girlfriend stage’

I don’t mean compliments , more declarations .” I want to be with you for ever “ type stuff .

"In my experience the ones who make a huge song and dance about "love" are often the ones who are the cheats and the bullies."

That is very sad, as is the OP's belief that lack of compliments is normal. Obviously we all read/watch/hear a lot more about unhappy relationships because by definition there is more to say and it's probably nauseating to hear how happy couples function, but that doesn't mean that it's not normal to have a happy relationship - not skipping about on cloud nine all the time, but loving, affectionate and respectful, where couples are best friends and find each other attractive and so on.

I guess this all starts very young and has a lot to do with the adult relationships we see around us, which help us learn what love is and how to model and sustain it. Were your parents unhappy, OP? Is that why this feels normal? Did you give/get compliments from them and from friends and in previous relationships? Just trying to see if it's specifically you and DH or if you've sought this out and settled for it because it's what you actually want, based on what you think love is?

No it wasn't arranged. Both white British. I don't know either how we got to the stage. Both our kids were planned if that helps. 🙈