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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posted regarding stopping ex’s access to baby.. now need mediation advice !

33 replies

Expressodaily · 07/01/2019 23:34

Hello I’m back!
Firstly I want to say thankyou so so much to everyone’s advice last time. In short my ex left me 7 months pregnant, baby is now 8 weeks old. Received verbal abuse pretty much the entire 8 weeks, threats saying I’ll have my daughter removed due to me being mentally ill, demanding her over night when he hasn’t spent time with her etc etc

So I finally I went to a solicitor the week before Christmas. I have continued to allow and encourage his access. Which irritates me no end because all she is is a doll to him. The first time he took her for 2 hours he took her to a pub. He hasn’t asked about her injections or health and continues to tell me daily how much of a waste of space I am and how ashamed he is I am her mother.

I have my mediation assessment on Wednesday. I have initiated it.
What can I expect ?
I just know that when he attends mediation he will be so so manipulative and I’m terrified I’m not strong enough to cope this is absolutely breaking me. He came knocking on my door other day I ignored ( have a 4 year old in house too from previous partner ) he then messsged me to say he recorded me through a gap in my blinds ignoring him and he will use it as evidence I’ve tried to stop him seeing her ?! I’m constantly on edge

I just basically want to know what to expect, how to get the most of mediation cause I can’t live like this. And if the worst did happen and it went to court what would he get?!

OP posts:
Thewifipasswordis · 07/01/2019 23:40

If it wasn't pre arranged contact he doesn't have a leg to stand on. You do though for harrassment and threatening behaviour... let him show the video! He'll shoot himself in the foot.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 07/01/2019 23:41

Nope wasn’t pre arranged- I even contacted him before this asking him to leave us alone and I’d contact him with days to see our baby

OP posts:
StressedToTheMaxx · 07/01/2019 23:43

My ex and I went to mediation.
I had a session alone and stated my concerns.
He had a session alone to state his concerns.
Then we met together and discuss everything.
Afyer 2/3 sessions we then made rules/ what we expect of each other. ( not that my ex stuck to any.)
If you come to agreement about acess it is written down as evidence.
If you cant come to an agreement the next step would be court.

It's great to do mediation first.
My ex was a let down in everything he promised and I had it in black and white for a judge.
And of course if it works that's great.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 07/01/2019 23:45

So will the mediatior write up a plan? Is that Iegally binding in any way ?
Or just more the fact if he didn’t stick to it I’d have more evidence ?

I’m worried he wants a lot more than I want to offer and I’m terrified. I don’t want her to go over night yet he’s barely spent any time with her, he has her around feeds the odd time he has had her , he’s never put her down to bed :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 07:55

Anyone ?Sad

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/01/2019 08:06

Hes abusing you and you have evidence of this abuse, yes? Then Id skip mediation and let him take you to court. When you get to court, ask for contact through a contact centre due to the abuse.

Queenofthestress · 08/01/2019 08:09

You have the verbal and emotional abuse recorded, show the mediator the texts and I bet they'll say it's better off in court. It's a form of abuse, due to that no mediator will tell you (if they're worth the money) that mediation is right for you.

They don't do mediation with abusers.

FoofFighter · 08/01/2019 08:13

Mediation agreements as far as I know are not legally binding (in Scotland so poss diff here)

Mediation is also not recommended unless shuttle when there has been abuse/control.

Why are you initiating mediation? Has he started legal proceedings?

moredoll · 08/01/2019 08:15

Before you go into mediation bullet point all the issues you want to address so you don't forget anything. They're not judging you, it's a fact gathering exercise.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 08:35

Oh god have I done the wrong thing Sad
I initiated mediation because he was constantly threatening me with taking me to court and saying I’ll get her taken off me. He’s trying to get in my head. He also constantly tells me I refuse access which is categorically lies so I simply wanted to prove I want him to see her- I just wanted the verbal abuse to stop and I have said from word go he isn’t taking her r for long periods till she’s used to him, he won’t see her for a week- 10 days then ask for her 9-5 and I really really don’t agree with that and then the abuse starts. He’s fully got in my head I’m doubting every decision I’m making

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 08/01/2019 08:38

Have you thought of contacting the police regarding the harrassment and the verbal abuse?

7yo7yo · 08/01/2019 08:41

Is he on the birth certificate?

Hortonlovesahoo · 08/01/2019 08:41

The first thing I'd be doing is contacting the police about this harassment and show them everything and consider contacting women's aid for advice. It's abuse. Pure and simple.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 08:41

I considered it, I showed my solicitor she said I should.
But I think it’ll make everything worse. He already paints me as this evil person, constantly telling me everyone he speaks to hates me and everyone agrees I’m a bad mum. I just want this sorting Sad

Me and my little boys dad are absolutely fine. We work so well for him, we’re flexible both take him on holidays share all the good and bad stuff and just want what’s best for him and that’s all I wanted

OP posts:
bengalcat · 08/01/2019 08:47

I would strongly recommend you have a session with the mediator first to express what you’ve told us and explain briefly when booking why . I’d also cancel your joint mediation whilst you do this . As others have said leave him to apply through the courts . Your child won’t suffer in the short term if seeing their Dad drops off until this issue is sorted .

Categoric · 08/01/2019 08:51

Go to the police. You trying to be kind and reasonable is taken by him as weakness.

If your solicitor has said that you have enough of a problem to report him to the police, then you are not behaving badly.

Protect your daughter from an abusive man.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 08:53

I really don’t think I can say just take me to court he’d make my life hell till then.
I even invited a close family friend round to sit down and chat with us both before I’ve tried to sort mediation. She was brilliant she wasn’t one sided at all and really tried to help, when he left she told me to go to a solicitor and that the way he was with me especially considering our baby was in my arms was disgusting. She she she’ll happilly write down her experience of it for me and how aggressive he was. She said he’ll never listen to what I’m saying just because it’s me saying it. I offered him to come here 2 nights a week to do bath bottle bed get to know her and then take her a Saturday morning 9-12 and a Sunday afternoon 5-7. I was advised little and often best for s newborn and he categorically will not accept it

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 09:08

And yes he’s on birth certificate

OP posts:
justilou1 · 08/01/2019 09:18

I can’t believe you keep coming back here instead of listening to all the advice and simply going to the police. If he escalates, they can arrest him and he will get zero chances of hanging out with your kid. GO TO THE POLICE WITH ALL YOUR MESSAGES!!!

goldengummybear · 08/01/2019 09:49

What's agreed in mediation isn't legally binding so he can waste your time and money by going through the process (or just not turn up at all)

The best thing to do is call the police over the harrassment and tell him he can take you to court. You have been more than reasonable offering little and often contact and all of this "evidence" stuff is pointless. Stay focused and don't let him bring up down to his level. Keep a diary of what you offered and if/when he turns up. By not involving police, you are sending the message that you are agreeing what he's saying. If you use his abusive ways in court later, this will prove that you are trying to protect the baby. Your children must be scared/stressed with the situation if he's turning up, banging on the door and filming you etc Sort things out for them at least,

It doesn't matter what he tells other people about you. You and your family/friends will know the truth.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 08/01/2019 10:40

I know I feel so stupid Sad
I just didn’t want to get he police involved because I feel like that’s so final, I know things would never be rectified whereas now I’m still living in hope we can have what me and my little boys dad have and have a good strong relationship and system, both be able to attend school plays etc etc Sad feel like I’m letting them down but it’s so hard to know what to do for the best

OP posts:
Omzlas · 08/01/2019 10:46

You'll never have the same sort of relationship with this man though, he sounds unhinged

Please, PLEASE go to the police with the messages he's sent to you, any and all evidence that you have. If he's this abusive to you, what could and would he do to a baby?

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got"
He won't change OP, you need to stand your ground

goldengummybear · 08/01/2019 10:49

You're not going to be friends with your ex. He's shown this to you over and over. You're not going to be able to co-parent with your ex. People don't generally change and if they do it's because they want to change and not because the people in their life want them to change.

The best scenario is that you parallel parent. He turns up and drops her off at scheduled times and rarely contacts you because he knows you'll go to the police if he gives you shit. Do you have a 3rd party who can be there for drop off/pick up? Most abusers behave better if there's an audience.

Wordthe · 08/01/2019 10:56

Please try and let go of your hope that this man will do the decent and honorable thing
He has shown you that he won't
he's abusive
Keep a detailed log of every single thing he does recordings text messages keep everything.
avoid face to face conversation try and have everything in writing if possible and don't engage with him.
there is nothing to be gained from negotiating with someone who is abusive he would just manipulate you you need to have very firm boundaries and stick to them
I repeat, he will not do the decent honest and honorable thing, to him the child is just a weapon to be used to hurt you

Wordthe · 08/01/2019 10:57

you are not stupid you are a good person and it's hard for you to believe that other people are deliberately malicious
unfortunately they are