Posted regarding stopping ex’s access to baby.. now need mediation advice !

[Expressodaily]

Hello I’m back!
Firstly I want to say thankyou so so much to everyone’s advice last time. In short my ex left me 7 months pregnant, baby is now 8 weeks old. Received verbal abuse pretty much the entire 8 weeks, threats saying I’ll have my daughter removed due to me being mentally ill, demanding her over night when he hasn’t spent time with her etc etc

So I finally I went to a solicitor the week before Christmas. I have continued to allow and encourage his access. Which irritates me no end because all she is is a doll to him. The first time he took her for 2 hours he took her to a pub. He hasn’t asked about her injections or health and continues to tell me daily how much of a waste of space I am and how ashamed he is I am her mother.

I have my mediation assessment on Wednesday. I have initiated it.
What can I expect ?
I just know that when he attends mediation he will be so so manipulative and I’m terrified I’m not strong enough to cope this is absolutely breaking me. He came knocking on my door other day I ignored ( have a 4 year old in house too from previous partner ) he then messsged me to say he recorded me through a gap in my blinds ignoring him and he will use it as evidence I’ve tried to stop him seeing her ?! I’m constantly on edge

I just basically want to know what to expect, how to get the most of mediation cause I can’t live like this. And if the worst did happen and it went to court what would he get?!

Because you know that it is technically possible to have a good co-parenting relationship you think that all you need to do is show him the way and he will naturally follow it

he won't, all he wants is to damage control and manipulate you
he will do exactly the same to the child, think about it with the child he gets two for the price of one he only has to hurt the child and that hurts both of you
if this was me I would make sure he had no contact with the child at all because he just sounds dangerous and abusive

lady
go back and read all the advice you were given over the threads you have made
do what you have been advised
many of the ladies posting have experienced this or have a friend or family member who has, some are in a professional role dealing in this field
we said dont tell him when you go in to have the baby
we said breastfeed
we said dont put him on the birth certificate
we said all these things for a reason
we explained the whys
that he will need a court ordered dna test to get access
that no judge will let him take her if she is fully breast fed
that his access will be massively reduced until you stop breast feeding
we said not to make nice
you ignored all of it
stop thinking and start reading and accepting that the ladies that are all saying the exact same thing just might know what they are talking about

OP to answer your original question. Family lawyer here
All discussions during mediation are privileged and can't be referred to or relied upon in court proceedings. This applies to formal mediation, not the meeting you had with your relative trying to be an honest broker. An agreement reached can be relied on, but it is not enforceable. Any court application takes you back to zero.

Regarding the police. I entirely agree with your desire not to escalate this irrevocably. However, is this really ever going to get better? He is an abusive arse. I had one of those and you don't make them any nicer or more reasonable by backing down. Call 101 and ask for a PIN to be served on him. This is a harassment warning and stays on his record for a year. I really think you should do this in case things escalate. Mention the video (that won't help him in court either).

The question now is how should you approach mediation.
I would ask for your first appointment to be a MIAM (mediation information and assessment meeting) which you attend alone. Let the mediator assess whether and how to proceed. If you do try it,do shuttle mediation where you each sit in a different room and the mediator goes between you. But be aware that mediation doesn't work with abusers. On the other hand, you will know that you tried your best if you give it a go. Just don't expect anything from it.

For the time being you need to evidence gather - write notes of things like turning up to your house and horrid things he says/does. Screenshot his messages. Tell him you do not want him turning up at your house unless it is prearranged and that the reason is you find him unpleasant and intimidating.

You need to propose a sensible age appropriate regime with a go- between to help at hand overs. Little and often for a baby. The downside of this is that you have to see him more often. Can anyone help with hand overs? You also need to keep an eye on where he takes her. You say he took her to a pub. Now depending on the circumstances and the pub, that may or may not have been inappropriate. Again, keep notes of things like this if they are of concern. You need to pick your battles.

Agree re breastfeeding, that will make it much harder for him.

You're stuck with him and his harrasment for as long as you put up with it. Get it sorted now by showing him you will get help from the police as his behaviour is unreasonable, it's not final, whatever that meant? you don't owe him the right to harrass you but you are choosing to allow it.

I would advise using a contact centre to allow him to see the child until he get to know her. But it also keep you safe and he can no longer abuse you.
Have you discussed this option with your lawyer?

You need to accept that he is not coming back. He doesn’t love you. He is not a hood guy. He is not going to suddenly develop a conscience and do the right thing. He is not going to behave well. He doesn’t learn. He hasn’t learnt from the example of your ex and you how to co-parent. He doesn’t care.

He is dangerous.

You need to call the police.

*good (obviously)