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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DD perform?

44 replies

6079SmithW · 07/01/2019 21:54

DD (8) joined the school choir in October. It wasn't her first choice of after school club but the only option available to her. At first she seemed to really enjoy it, but by the end of November she had had enough and wanted to quit. I told her to stick it out to the end of term and we'd discuss it over the holidays.

There are a couple of considerations:

Firstly she had previously been chosen for the lead roll in the school play but gave it up in a panic. She later really regretted not taking the part. I really don't want her to miss this opportunity and wish she hadn't again.

Secondly the choir is due to participate in the Young Voices concert on 22nd January. I have already (when DD was very enthusiastic about choir) bought her t shirt etc and tickets for us all totalling £114.00. Obviously her feelings are more important than the money, but I think at 8 she should have some consideration that money has been spent on an activity she wanted to participate in.

AIBU to tell her she needs to keep her commitment to her friends/family and perform with the choir as planned? Or should her feelings be the most important thing to take into account?

OP posts:

Bambamber · 07/01/2019 22:08

Did you pay for the tickets before or after she said she wanted to quit?

Handsfull13 · 07/01/2019 22:10

I would have a chat with your daughter about why she wants to quit. The performance they are due to do combined with quitting the school play I would guess she might have some stage fright.

I would push her to keep going til after the concert because you've already paid out towards it but if she still wants to do it afterwards then she can quit straight away.
It's only a few weeks.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 07/01/2019 22:10

It wasn't her first choice of after school club but the only option available to her

So she simply has to do an after school club, even though this didn't interest her? That seems...more about you than about her.

As regards the concert - the £114 is "wasted" whether she does the concert or not. Making her attend the competition when she doesn't want to doesn't make that money somehow well-spent.

NancyJoan · 07/01/2019 22:10

I would say she’s committed to it, and needs to do the concert.

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/01/2019 22:15

If there is some element of stage fright the best thing about being in a choir is you are not alone, and Young voices is a truly massive choir.
Being in that choir is amazing my DD still talks about 5 years later.

Inmyownlittlecorner · 07/01/2019 22:16

My DD did YV last year & her school are going back this year. I went with them as a helper & they all had a brilliant time. Would you be able to volunteer to go?
There are so many children there & the rehearsal is designed to get them excited so that any nerves disappear quite fast.

PanamaPattie · 07/01/2019 22:18

She's 8. Why is she going to clubs?

sirfredfredgeorge · 07/01/2019 22:21

I would say she’s committed to it, and needs to do the concert

When did she commit? She started in October, by November she was wanting to withdraw - you certainly don't become committed to a choral performance after a few weeks practice. The OP might've forced a commitment beyond that, but I can't see the 8 year old doing so.

You can certainly try talking to her about how you'd all enjoy seeing her perform, and how much you'd been looking forward to it. But expecting someone to do something simply because you've spent money is not a good reason.

potatoscone · 07/01/2019 22:23

When did you buy the tickets?

Tbh if my 8yo wasn't enjoying it I would have let them leave. It's important to listen to them. You said it want her first choice, did she just join because you wanted her to have an after school activity rather than because she actually wanted to do it?

pickingdaisies · 07/01/2019 22:28

Find some YouTube videos of previous young voices concerts and show her, is a wonderful experience and not at all scary, because the"choir" is so huge, she'll just be a part of it, and not exposed. The school may be getting serious now about getting everyone to learn the songs, and your DD may be feeling pressurised. I promise that when the others come back buzzing about the concert, she will regret not going. Maybe tell her she can quit after the concert if she still wants to. And maybe the singing teacher can have a reassuring word with her.

potatoscone · 07/01/2019 22:30

*it wasn't her first choice

LittleOwl153 · 07/01/2019 22:32

Young voices is not a performance I the same way as a small school choir. There are hundreds of kids there from loads of schools. Dd did it last yeah and wishes she could got again this year. There is no way she would perform in front of an audience at school but she loved this - so did all of her class - no choirs picked here 2 whole year groups went - so not the best singing voices only etc. We were at Genting Arena in Birmingham and basically one half of the hall was the choir the other the audience the choir was that big it was amazing. Would definitely encourage her to go. It is definitely an experience most will not get to repeat. (And I was slightly annoyed by the cost too but it was worth it)

LittleOwl153 · 07/01/2019 22:35

This was my daughters 'choir's!

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 07/01/2019 22:48

Could be performance anxiety. Make her do Tez Yong Voice and she can quit after if she still wants to.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 07/01/2019 22:49

Ha! Don’t know who Tez Yong is! The Young Voices, obviously.

Mintychoc1 · 07/01/2019 22:50

Yes I’d make her do it.
DS was a similar age when he had to do a group violin thing with the school, in a massive concert hall. He didn’t really enjoy the violin, and had a major panic before the show. I made him do it as I knew he’d never get another experience like it, and he ended up loving it. He still talks about it 5 years later.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 07/01/2019 22:55

Young voices is an amazing experience and may well make her want to continue once she has the bug.

Be prepared to wait agggggges for them to come out at the end, it’s a military procedure for the teachers and hats off to them!

Weezol · 07/01/2019 22:56

So she simply has to do an after school club, even though this didn't interest her? That seems...more about you than about her.

What was her first choice?

OhTheRoses · 07/01/2019 22:56

Why can't you go if your dd isn't in the choir?

Encourage a love of music and joining in and celebrating it.

dd didn't like her primary school choir but did enjoy being a chorister - no pressure from us. She gelled with a singing teacher at 15 and went from a standing start to grade 8 distinction at 18 despite losing a year of school to her mh

Nurture a love for music rather than an obligation to it.

EugenesAxe · 07/01/2019 22:59

PanamaPattie are you implying that's too young? Most children I know are already doing 2-3 clubs a week when they are 3 or 4....

OP to give a bit of an alternative view, while I do think it's important to listen to the child, I also think you need to help them make the most of their opportunities. My MIL has always been very home and family orientated; fiercely protective, and would immediately yield to any suggestion my DH made in his youth about 'not liking things', and allow him to pull out. He now says to me that he wishes his DPs had encouraged him more; that he feels he missed out on loads of opportunities just because his DM liked having him at home.

I don't think it would be out of order to ask her to fulfil this obligation; it would be awful if she didn't go and then felt really isolated in her friendship circle because everyone else was talking about it and buzzing off the back of it. It sounds amazing!

MitziK · 07/01/2019 23:00

I'd say (nicely) she has to do this and then she can stop, no more questions asked. Otherwise, she'll potentially end up in a vicious circle of wanting to do things and then running away at the last moment - which takes a very long time and a lot of work to get over.

It's a very exciting thing she's doing, she's very lucky to have the opportunity, as most schools and families don't have the money to do it and the odds are strongly in favour of her either going and loving it or, if allowed to pull out, spending the entire day sobbing about not going.

As she's small, she might respond to the Disney Pooh Bear/Christopher Robin encouragement - 'You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think'. (And I know you can do it). Hell, I've used on hulking teens and it's worked, so an 8 year old should be a doddle .

Gatehouse77 · 07/01/2019 23:04

I guess it depends on why she ended up with 'the only option available'.

If it were for my convenience/family logistics I wouldn't make her.
If she was adamant that she wanted to be involved in something I would insist she did the concert but would wait longer for my child to show commitment in the future.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 07/01/2019 23:16

It would be great if she would do it and it's worth trying to persuade her, but it would be unkind to force her. Can you get a refund?

llangennith · 07/01/2019 23:26

OP all the advice you're going to get on here will be influenced by how people's own DC are. Those with extravert kids will say 'make her do it' those with more anxious kids will tell you to back off and leave her alone.
You alone know your DD. Listen to her and try to understand what she really wants and not what you'd like her to want.

Overoptimistix · 07/01/2019 23:42

I'm probably a bit too far the other way as I wish my parents had made me stick to things a bit more so I make sure my DD (also 8) follows through on any commitments she makes.

In your case though, I don't think it has to be too complicated or upsetting. Your DD made a commitment to go, it's only a few weeks away so she can only have a few rehearsals left. It's a big event, at her age she won't really understand what it entails until she gets there. She won't have stage fright at the event as she will be one of hundreds and it will be a really nice experience for her.

I'd explain to her that she has made a commitment which is not only you spending money but also involves the time of whoever is leading the rehearsals and it is respectful to see it through.

You can make it clear to her that she can quit once she has seen this particular commitment through, at 8 this is a good opportunity to have a conversation which shows that you take her opinions on board and listen to her but also for her to see that she may have to follow through in the short term.

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