To make DD perform?

[6079SmithW]

DD (8) joined the school choir in October. It wasn't her first choice of after school club but the only option available to her. At first she seemed to really enjoy it, but by the end of November she had had enough and wanted to quit. I told her to stick it out to the end of term and we'd discuss it over the holidays.

There are a couple of considerations:

Firstly she had previously been chosen for the lead roll in the school play but gave it up in a panic. She later really regretted not taking the part. I really don't want her to miss this opportunity and wish she hadn't again.

Secondly the choir is due to participate in the Young Voices concert on 22nd January. I have already (when DD was very enthusiastic about choir) bought her t shirt etc and tickets for us all totalling £114.00. Obviously her feelings are more important than the money, but I think at 8 she should have some consideration that money has been spent on an activity she wanted to participate in.

AIBU to tell her she needs to keep her commitment to her friends/family and perform with the choir as planned? Or should her feelings be the most important thing to take into account?

I’d support her to do it.

No one achieved anything in life by quitting when they got a little nervous or lost interest.

*I’d support her to do it.

No one achieved anything in life by quitting when they got a little nervous or lost interest.*

Bollocks. She’s 8, she never wanted to join in the first place. Give her other opportunities as far as you can reasonably afford.

No one achieved anything in life by quitting when they got a little nervous or lost interest.

No one achieved much from being forced into something they didn't want to do at 8 years old either

You to,d her you’d discuss it over the holidays after she told you she wanted to quit in November. And she still wanted to quit by the end of the holidays yet you’re moving the goalposts to after the YV concert?. I have to agree this seems to be more about what you want than what she wants.

She’s 8, if she has talent she may develop the will and the desire to perform later if left to her own devices. Right now she has neither, and you risk becoming one of those pushy performing arts mums I saw so many of in years of working in the dance industry along many with sullen, resentful kids who got no pleasure out of what should have been fun activities. Don’t be that mum.

As for the tickets, no need to waste them, go to the concert anyway, take your daughter and let her enjoy the performance, who knows, it might spark some desire to perform in her that you pushing her into it haven’t been able to.

My DD was exactly like this last year she joined the school choir (did love going though) and signed up for YV. Because she's shy about a week or so beforehand she got nervous and didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't know what to expect and was apprehensive.

She's always been like this and wouldn't try anything new if you didn't give her a gentle push. I'm not talking getting all stroppy and demanding she's doing it but reassuring her that it will be ok, how will she know she doesn't like it if she doesn't try it etc.

Anyway she went and I have never seen her little face as happy as when she got off the bus that night. I went to watch and it really is truly an amazing experience. She has not shut up about it for the last year and is so excited to be going back this year.

I would never force her into doing something that she doesn't like doing but I do always give her a little push to try and slowly her confidence is growing. She's getting better at having a go at things before she makes her decision as to whether she likes it or not.

Some kids are naturally confident others are not but I don't see anything wrong in trying to give them a gentle nudge towards things you are sure they will enjoy but are a bit scared to try. How else do they develop confidence or the skills to deal with nerves or feelings of apprehension? I'm sure teachers all over the country have to do this on a yearly basis with kids that are nervous to perform in the school play???

I think if you've committed to a performance you do the performance so Id insist she does Young Voices. After that she can quit if she likes.

I’d say she’s committed and so can’t let her team down. She can quit after if she isn’t inspired and really doesn’t want to carry it on.
My daughter was similar with ballet when she was the same age. Slight anxiety and not very confident. She’s now very confident on her pointes and her sights are set on trying out for some top ballet schools for post 16. I know I’m biased but she’s absolutely amazing. If I’d let her quit when her enthusiasm waivered a bit, she would have missed out on so many opportunities. Sometimes mothers know best.
And she needs to learn that £114 is a lot of money to lose!!!

If you let the teacher know, it might be a later joiner to the choir could take her place or other parents have now decided they want tickets? They always sell out and I always managed to sell them onto other parents!

It’s a long day if she isn’t enjoying it that’s one thing I would say...

Thank you so much for all your responses.

Just to clarify, I didn't make her join an after school club. The children are encouraged to do so by the school and different activities are offered to different classes (my other DD did gardening club). DD wanted to do football but it wasn't offered to her. She had a choice of dance (she did it last year), choir or nothing. She chose choir.

At first she was really enjoying it and full of enthusiasm about Young Voices. I bought the tickets then to support her. It was only after a couple of other children dropped out that she decided she didn't like choir anymore. She has discussed it with her teachers and they have encouraged her to stay.

Genuinely my only concern is about what to do that is best for her. I really don't want to force her to do something that she doesn't want to. I know how miserable that would be for her. However I am worried that this might be an occasion where I should help her to build her confidence, and try to make her understand about taking opportunities when they are presented. She really was very upset when she gave up her role in the play, and I'm trying to protect her from feeling like that again.

In that case, I'd be inclined to ask her to commit (as you spent money based on her choice) to the concert and then she drops out of the choir.

It's a tough lesson but shouldn't be traumatic if she understands the balance between commitments to others and her own choices.

At times mine have asked to to an activity and I have made them see it through to the end of the financial commitment explaining that it was an agreement between us. We pay for the activity...they get to do it!

What does the choir leader say?

I was similar when a child and did a similar big choir performance. Choir leader reassured me that I didn’t have to sing if I didn’t want to - so many kids there I could just lip sync. She still encouraged me to go and experience a performance ‘from the inside’.

I did go, I lip synced the first song, then joined in all the others. It was marvellous.

Other children who were nervous were allowed to stand at the side and pointed to the exits so they could easily leave if they wanted to. One of my friends did. Was the right decision to make it easy for the nervous ones to leave as my friend and another child were sick from the nerves.

I’d talk to the choir leader about compromises or workarounds. If there aren’t any I wouldn’t force her to go. Gently gently is the best way to deal with reluctance IMO.

What has being 8 got to do with it ?
Are you implying she is too young for clubs ?
My daughter is 5, she does ballet , tap and ice skating.
I pay a term upfront - she is asked before each term whether she wants to do it or not her choice however If she says yes then she has to stick it out for the rest of the term as it costs money

See, I read all over Mumsnet how it’s wrong to punish children not in the moment because they can’t be expected to connect their original action with a deferred consequence. Yet here we have parents expecting children as young as 5 years old to grasp the concept of them wanting to do something one day and then being committed to do it for weeks on end even if, after doing it once or twice, they decide they no longer want to do it. Children are by nature mercurial in their likes and dislikes and it’s not their fault if parents are imprudent enough to outlay a lot of money up front. Choose classes that don’t involve paying a term in advance ffs, there are enough of them.

Nobody wants to punish the child. Those of us who have experienced young voices know that it's a wonderful experience that the DD will absolutely love, and remember for years. It would be a crying shame to miss that. I've taken shy and nervous children, and without exception they have blossomed. And sung all the songs again on the coach all the way home.

@6079SmithW did your DD go to YV and did she enjoy it?

@Asj0405
No, she didn't go. I spoke to her again and again, at home and with her choir leader. I showed her videos. She was adamant she didn't want to go, so in the end I couldn't bring myself to force her.
I think I made the right decision. She has shown no regret at missing the performance (yet strangely still loves the wristband and t shirt I'd ordered for her??). Thankfully another parent was unable to get tickets so bought three of mine. I still forfeited £54 but it's more palatable and DD seems happy and that was always what was most important

Actually I have just paid out another £45 to enrol her in an after school science club. She has been warned that this time she will be made to attend (it's only one hour after school for 6 weeks)!

I'm sure she will find something that interests her She will probably feel more comfortable with the science club as its at school with the space and people she is used to.

Glad you didn't loose too much money