Evening visitors with baby?

[BackToNeverland]

AIBU to not like when people want to come to visit the baby (2 months old) after work and usually around 6/7pm? By then she's in her pj's and I'm trying to settle her (dark lighting and a warm bottle) so she drops off at her bedtime around 8pm.

I know I can't revolve my life around my babies bedtime, but when people want to come round have a cuddle (and wind them up by trying to make her laugh and smile) they get to leave and I'm left with an overtired, overstimulated baby that I now can't get to bed!

AIBU to hate this?

@Wearywithteens oh we did this too for a few weeks as she would not sleep in her Moses basket whatsoever! We invested in a chicco next to me crib and it's been lifesaving - I put her down in it and lay next to her all night!! If we couldn't afford it I would still be co sleeping as the Moses basket was honestly such a waste of money, Would get about an hour of sleep out of it before she woke and realised she was alone, then the rest of the night she wouldn't settle unless she was in my arms.... Thank you so much I am definitely enjoying it lol!

@GreatDuckCookery I think it's more to see DH as the conversation is more about social things not about the baby. They came recently and the baby was asleep yet the entire conversation was about current events and nothing to do with baby?!

I feel like a total cow for saying no, but it's nice to see so many people agreeing with me. Thank you all, I'm not as crazy as I thought!

But the fact he's not actually coming to visit the baby makes it very different tbh. In your first post it came across as if they were coming to see you and the baby, I thought It was going to be your mum, MIL, friend etc.

Just say to him that you're settling her for bed and you need to keep things low key.

I was due to have visitors on thursday and you've given me the strength to say no. Yanbu!

I'd not let a lot of people descend on me, in your position, but if someone wants to drop in just for half an hour to an hour, I could cope with that. I'd hold/feed my baby, let them hold him or her for a while and then encourage them nicely to go.

New mothers are best off when they have someone, husband, partner, grandparents, to support them and 'take charge' of early visitors, even phone calls. Saying things like, "By all means pop round but they both need sleep so please don't stay long - but we'd like to see you if only for a short while". Better still to pin the visitors down to a time so you can make an attempt to be ready for them (in my experience they came an hour later :-( ).

People who haven't yet had kids don't understand all that but you and your baby come first. There are ways of organising it so no-one minds a very short visit.

Personally I'd have been happy to have no visitors for the first six months (apart from the two sets of grands who didn't live far away & who were happy to do a few jobs around house), but things don't always work out that way :-). I didn't like a lot of chatting and laughing, felt intimidated by it. I wanted a quiet, gentle environment. Oh, long time ago now.

It was all a lot easier when I went back to work.

If visitors come at a time where you would be taking your dd upstairs for bath and bedtime routine, just go upstairs and leave your DH with your visitors.

If it is mentioned, just say "well I did say her bedtime routine starts at X time, so it wouldn't be convenient"

My BIL & SIL have 2 year old twins, and I have known for the past 2 years that if I was to call round at a certain time, it would be to help with bath and bed routine, not for playtime and cuddles - is this something you could do instead? It could be a help to have someone help with her routine, in case you were to need a babysitter at some point.

I am amazed you have any sort of routine, ours though evenings were for screaming, 2-3 hours typically. It all depends upon how you want to live your lives, if you are happy to always be home alone fine, if not starting bedtime a bit later means you can have visitors and eat out.

I would love more flexibility but DS just wont settle. If I have to have him up later will put him in the sling but currently an 8pm bedtime (ish) works. He wakes frequently so I need my sleep too.

I hate it when people turn up when it's the DCs bedtime. Which has happened on a few occasions. I used to be a single parent so it was really inconvenient. I'd either have to keep the DCs up who are getting increasingly tired and ratty whilst I entertained the visitors or the other option would be leave the visitors alone for about an hour whilst I got 2 DCs washed and settled in bed.

YANBU. I had family members booking meals out at 9pm and expecting me to go along as ‘she’s only little’. DD has never been the kind of baby to sleep anywhere. She needs quiet or she gets so overtired and screams the place down.

If they’re coming to see your DH then if they’re not noisy the baby can be in bed then they can come. Or he could meet them in the pub!

I’d have been too tired for visitors with a two month old!

Just say it's not convenient as baby already has a bedtime of 8pm and routine starting at 7pm. But perhaps offer another date or time they could visit. I never used to allow evening visits or going out of an evening as DD would get over stimulated and not go to bed until very late. Keeping some routine can be important. People should understand when you explain

Awe, you aren't being a cow at all! You've just squeezed out a sprog, be kind to yourself lovie!

Anyway, in answer to your question I think there's no right or wrong here, it's entirely up to you and your DH. If people are really that bothered about seeing the baby they can pop over on the weekend or take a day off. A good friend would happily do that. Next time they ask to come at 7 just say "oh it would be so nice for you to see the baby! But she'll be long in bed by then. You can come any day before 4, that would be great". That way you are giving them choices and if they can't be arsed on the weekend then... Why should you have to bend to their will? You have just had a baby, people can fit in around you.

For some perspective- if my friend had just had a baby I would not dictate the timing of my visit, I would ask them when it's convenient and try and fit in around that.

And I agree with others about saying if DH thinks it's fine to break bedtime routine just say that's fine and he can deal with the baby that night/next morning. Everybody wins :)

Not quite the point of the thread, but for those that put their babies to ‘bed’ when they are so little, I have some questions (curious as have a 6 week old myself)- If you put them to bed in the bedroom, do you go to bed early with them or leave them there alone and go back downstairs? How often do they wake up for feeding, I imagine they still feed every few hours at that age so the bedtime doesn’t mean they are in bed for the night? So they sleep different at night following bedtime to during the day? IIRC, my first woke up at pretty regular intervals at that age whether it was day or night. I may have completely missed the benefits of putting a baby to bed at night the first time so just wondered how it works and why!

Nope, I am still like this and my boy is 1yrs old. Wnt have people in when it's time for him to wind dwn and snuggle beforebed.

Rainbow we are in the midst of sleep regression (that or DS is just an arse) so I'm going to bed when he does.

Op YANBU. Also once the baby is a toddler and later they will need a bedtime at 7pmish so much better to set the expectation with visitors early on. If you don't have space for your DP to see his mates in your house away from the baby then maybe they need to arrange to meet up elsewhere.

Rainbow I wanted my DD1 to be portable, but she just wasn't. It got to about 6.30 and she just started to melt down. When I started to put her to bed at 7pm she settled till I went to bed at 10pm and gave her a feed. She is now 17 and still needs routine. So when I had DD2 18 months later I planned a routine from day 1. However she had colic and couldn't be put down without 3 hours cuddle time with DM before bed at 10pm. Any time I tried to get my evening back she screamed, was hungry, needed a nappy change, was sick etc etc etc. She is now 16 and runs to her own schedule. By DD3 I was so tired we often both ended up going to bed at around 8pm. She ended up being carried around a lot by me in the evening while taking her sisters to activities. Flip side of this was I was able to feed her at 5,30am and put her back to bed and have a couple of
hours to myself before dealing with her and the school run for the other 2. They are all different and there is no one size fits all. My house is compact so leaving them in the bedroom with the door ajar has always been enough for me to hear them and them to hear me. I would have had a baby monitor for DD1 otherwise.