Evening visitors with baby?

[BackToNeverland]

AIBU to not like when people want to come to visit the baby (2 months old) after work and usually around 6/7pm? By then she's in her pj's and I'm trying to settle her (dark lighting and a warm bottle) so she drops off at her bedtime around 8pm.

I know I can't revolve my life around my babies bedtime, but when people want to come round have a cuddle (and wind them up by trying to make her laugh and smile) they get to leave and I'm left with an overtired, overstimulated baby that I now can't get to bed!

AIBU to hate this?

She doesn’t need to be portable if Mum is tired and at home - by bedtime the main carer has usually had a long day and has had enough and needs some reasonable down time

I think the trouble with early bedtime is the early starts the next morning - I found them a killer. Hence my being laidback about putting my daughter to bed later. I think evenings were often about sitting feeding her also - which was possible with company around.. (With a baby, yes it's tiring but not like entertaining a toddler or small child.)

I found routine imprisoning though I realise there are people for who it works.

@BackToNeverland

Why are you doing all the night feeds if she's bottle fed?

Yanbu my evenings revolved around the children when they were very young. Both were in bed by 8pm. My youngest, aged ten, is still in bed by nine unless its a special occasion.

My eldest was an early riser so my evenings were precious

7-7?! How are people managing to achieve this? My baby is 8 weeks and we have general routine in place of bath around 8/8.30 then a bottle. Some nights she’ll go to sleep from that, others (like last night) she will not settle for hours afterwards (last night was 11:30). This was in our bedroom, night light on with white noise playing. She’ll sleep for 3-4 hours and then wake for a feed. I thought we were doing well to get that long unbroken sleep to be honest!

If your babies are going to sleep at 7, are you putting them down to sleep in a bedroom or keeping them with you until you go to bed?

If it doesn't suit you, say no. I dont think its an intrinsically terrible idea though - Ds1 used to sleep in the living room until we went to bed at that age so it wouldnt have bothered me.

You just need to explain to people as it's important to you but isn't necessarily going to be obvious to other people unless you explain.

I've got a 5 week old and she tends to cluster feed later in the day and so with having often been on my own in the day with my DH at work I like having visitors in the evening. DD will still be sleeping with us for the next several months so will just sleep in the lounge with us early in the evening so I don't see this changing for a while.

With DC1 at that stage I would have hated visitors at that hour of the day - knackered, cluster feeding, and would have felt pressured to provide food!

As for “we” should be more flexible, would your DH be on hosting duty and dealing with the baby afterwards as much as you would?

YANBU. I have this concern about when our unbn baby is born. We know some people that don't really believe babies should have bed time routines and don't expect sensible visiting hours. Foot will be down and door will be locked.

I found being at home with a baby quite isolating and welcomed visitors - as long as they weren't the kind that expected to be waited on. Yes, I got tired at times, but the company of friends - people who could hold the baby while I had a shower even - was generally very welcome.

I think it made me feel more like 'me' again, after the overwhelming thing of giving birth and being a new parent.

I think there's also an argument for having a young baby held by lots of different people - as long as nobody has some serious contagious illness. It helps to develop the baby's immune system and means they less likely to get multiple viruses when they first go to some kind of childcare setting.

We've had this issue with in laws! My son is 2 and is in a routine - tea, bath and in bed by 7.30. They always want to visit at 7-7.15 which disrupts his routine. My DH told them no last time and resulted in them calling us unfair. We need to do what's best for our kids, most reasonable adults understand that and would arrange a time convenient for the children!

**SlowTango - try bringing your bedtime forward a little bit, it might be that your little one is being over stimulated by the bath and is then over tired, so doesn’t settle well.

OP - you can and should say no. Or say, you’re welcome over but I’ll be putting baby to bed at x time, or were free on xxx day/date. If your baby is sleeping well, don’t let others spoil that for you. You totally need your rest too. Of a weekend, go and sleep in the spare room and let your OH do the night feeds to you catch up on rest. I’m assuming he’s back at work and you’re off?

SlowTango we put ours to sleep in our room at bedtime (7pm) and nap time. I know it goes against sids advice now but it wasn’t the advice when I had my first. SIDS is also much more likely to occur after midnight so I felt the risks were minimal and outweighed by the benefit of my babies sleeping well so being well rested myself and less likely to fall asleep holding them or endangering them in any other way through tiredness.

Thanks for the tips/comments, think I’ll try what has been suggested.

Sorry to detract from your original post OP! For what it’s worth, I understand where you are coming from. Although we’re not in a routine as such and there is a bit of flexibility with it, I do think people coming in late would be quite unsettling for both baby and you. I agree with previous posters that you /your DH might need to put your foot down on this one.

Visits should work around your schedule and when you are happy. Its surprising that the visitors don't have the sense to think that engaging a baby before bed is hard work for you.

If they want to visit limit it to 30 minutes at 6pm and leave at the very latest 6.45

Your partner also needs to be taking on board what you are saying as you are ultimately with baby the most so you know their habits and can pick up on it along.
He cant really say much when you are doing all the night feeds

Derail, not detract!!! Baby brain is killing my vocabulary

@ItsQuietTime DH job usually ends up in surprise overtime, his job is quite dangerous (think, working on live electrical cables underground) so personally I prefer him not to do the night feeds as I have anxiety about him being too tired at work and making a wrong choice which could result in injury/death. I don't mind as it allows me to be a SAHM but when it comes to things like this it does get on my nerves!!

Who is it that wants to come round?

@GreatDuckCookery DH best friends, who I know have weekends free as I know their work schedule (loosely)

One of the hardest things is getting a baby to sleep who isn't easy to settle. You've worked hard on your routine and it works for you and baby.
We started our bath, story, bed routine the day we got discharged from hospital with baby. We've kept it up with the exception of the odd party / evening out etc baby is now 2 and half years old. Settles and sleeps like a dream, always has and is is a routine that works for us and for him. We have our evening free and he has his 12 hours sleep before nursery the next day. Don't question yourself do what works for you :-)

@Marvik

I think it depends on the kid, it's the thing that's most taken me by surprise having had #2. My first was the most portable little potato of a baby, would sleep anywhere (but only for 2 hours at a time for the first year). Loved sleeping in the buggy and zonked put in the car. Loves 3-4 hour naps still at 2.5 yrs

My second decided that he wanted to sleep 8-10-12 hour stretches over weeks 3, 4 and 5, and that all sleep would only take place in his cot in our room, and that the car seat was an evil torture device. Day naps don't really exist.

Both kids raised exactly the same way.

@Wearywithteens please don't apologise - I completely understand!! I wish I could be a bit more loose with the bedtimes but as a couple of occasions have proved, letting them get overtired and going into tantrums has just backup up my reasoning for not letting them go past bedtime, honestly, I would love to let my baby have visitors whenever they wanted to visit, I love the sentiment, but it's just proven so detrimental to how their rest of our night ends up and makes me resent the hour visit that turned my baby into a fussy little monster.

*apologies for my terrible grammar and punctuation, I have had a few drinks to celebrate my baby going down for an early night. It's not a weekday when you're a SAHM and all that! Haha!

Is he actually coming to see DD or DH?