To check my dd's phone

[BradleyPooper]

My dd is 14 and pretty sensible and mature for her age. She is on Instagram and messaging someone she met online. Seems to be general teen chat, insta account seems legit for another teen girl (don't they all?)....

Dd is upset that I checked her phone, has asked me to trust her and has changed her passcode. She knows all about grooming, what should not be communicated or sent online and said that she should be allowed to have friends.

Aibu to keep checking her phone or should I let her have privacy?

I work in a secondary school in a safeguarding role. I have seen some very, very concerning things and when my own DC are old enough for a smartphone it will be on the condition that I have the passcode and will be checking their phone randomly. So many parents have absolutely no idea what and who their kids are exposed to online, it's truly frightening.

I think occasional is fine and definitely checking privacy settings etc. I've seen some guides online and I'm a little uncomfortable with the extent of some - checking conversations for all kinds, not just massive red flags.

When I was a teen I had very intrusive and interfering parents who gave me no freedom, no privacy and no trust (despite being a straight A* student who never got in trouble, ever). It badly affected my mental health and I suffered very badly with depression until my mid twenties.

At 14 you need to be keeping an eye on these things and did the right thing.

If she's changed the passcode, then confiscate the phone until she gives the new one or disables it.

Kayleigh Haywood was a fifteen year old girl who was groomed via text messages. So no, it's not excessively intrusive to check a fourteen year old's phone.

If you trust your daughter why would you want to check her phone? Without a very good reason to be concerned It’s prying, akin to reading her diary.

My daughter was told just to go kill herself, by a school friend. Luckily my older daughter saw it, and ensured we were informed. Very educational experience for both girls as to what you should not put up with and what will not be tolerated, in terms of electronic messaging. Especially since the little twit had done it in school time, using school technology to send the message, meaning that the school came down on it like a tonne of bricks.

As long as the child is told that it will be checked occasionally I think it’s fine.

There was a very sad thread here a couple of days ago about an 11 year old following a self harm website, parents need to know.

Not sure what age to back off though, 16?

I don’t think it’s like reading a diary tbh. That is private to the child, the phone is about interactions with the outside world.

If you trust your daughter why would you want to check her phone?

It's not about not trusting the child. Phone checking isn't done to try and 'catch' the child doing something wrong. The point of it is to make sure they are not being groomed or bullied or exposed to adult material somehow. Surely you must understand there is a huge difference?

Without a very good reason to be concerned It’s prying, akin to reading her diary.

It's nothing like reading a diary. The diary content is written by the child. Checking a phone you are mainly looking for content placed by someone else. Again, surely you much understand that?

I totally agree with teenagers having privacy but they can do that in real life. Of course they can say they hate their parents and practice snogging with people that are directly in front of them. But not online. Could be completely legitimate teenager on the other end but how many threads here end with people crying “keyboard warrior” saying things they’d never say in person.
As a fully grown adult I got into some stupid situations as a result of messaging people online. It was a bad time in my life, I wasn’t making good choices. If I’d had to teenage hormones and shame into that it would have been a lot worse.
Same goes for online gaming with strangers. The number of parents who I’ve suggested unplug the headphones an actual listen to what’s being said, then they come back to me shocked.

Without probable cause, it is snooping. As soon as she is 16, she will get a part time job, her own phone and will tell you nothing.

Its not her you don't trust, it's other people who aren't always as they seem.

My DC are younger than yours but that will be a condition of having a smart device, when the time comes, that we know the passcode and can (and will) randomly check and question things.

You're doing your job - protecting your child

Without probable cause, it is snooping.

The internet gives 'probably cause'

Call it snooping if you want. It's still an acceptable thing to do.

How can anyone compare a phone connected to the internet to a diary ??

You are checking for how other people are contacting them.its nothing to do with finding out their thoughts.

Yanbu I would do the same

I have never checked my daughters phones.

Of course you should check teenagers phones. God know who can message them and send them dodgy shit.
It is also the kids who have parents that don’t check them that carry out low level bullying and bitching.

They do online safety to death at school. They are all aware of the risks.

You are kidding right ????

Discussions at school with young teenagers about on line safety means that parents don’t have to bother ??? Words fail me.

Thanks.

We've had The Chat and she accepts that we will be doing spot checks on her phone and that we have the passcode. Did a check this evening and all seems fine. I asked her where the conversation I'd seen previously was and she told me she'd deleted it. Obviously we can't check Snapchat but we're doing what we can.

I also asked on her class fb group and about 70% of parents said they did random checks.

I still check my dd's phone. She's 15, and if she changed a password without telling she would lose her phone.

What's to stop kids messaging everybody through snapchat where it disappears once read I don't allow snapchat for that very reason.

it's a very sensitive age - @RandomObject
It certainly is. That's is why I check. She is way more vulnerable than even she knows! Thankfully we have a great relationship, so she knows it is is an extension of me keeping her safe. And it prevented her entering a chat with a male who was 28, already in a group chat with her friends, who they were calling 'daddy' and talking about dick picks etc.

When I was a teen I had very intrusive and interfering parents who gave me no freedom, no privacy and no trust I get that, I had the same (my mother would ransack my drawers to find bank statements etc) but that isn't about keeping you or me safe. It's being nosy. This is NOT the same.

They do online safety to death at school. They are all aware of the risks.
I'll leave this here

Unless you have particular reason to (odd behaviour, sneaking out, DD being naive for her age which you've said she isn't etc) then I wouldn't check her phone routinely. She's growing up and you've said she's sensible. Do you want to punish her trustworthiness? I would allow her some privacy.

If there is an incident where the trust is broken then I would immediately take her phone from her and get the password off her. If she refuses to give the password then bye bye phone.

Also make sure you have safety measures in place so she isn't accessing inappropriate material online. I know social media is a hard one to police though as they aren't classed as adult sites and you don't know what they're doing on there.

Kids this age are so niave re internet safety. There were interesting YouTube videos of this bloke with parents with a 5min fake account of a similar aged child in the area getting them to agree a meetup in a few days. Mental.

I never understand this monitoring of older DC's phones.
If there's something they don't want you to see they will delete it.