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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline this wedding invite?

33 replies

Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 01:54

Sorry probably been done to death already but aibu to decline a wedding invite as the wedding is on a Thursday & is for the reception only?

My cousin is getting married in June & I admit I was sad not to be invited to the actual ceremony just the reception as our family were close and I know a few of my other cousins will be there for the whole day. I would have loved to see my cousin get married but I appreciate its their wedding their decision & they probably can only invite so many to the service.

The invite says reception starts at 4pm so I would need to take the Thursday & Friday off to be able to attend it. I guess if it'd been the whole day I'd feel differently about using two days holiday for it but I'd be waiting round till the afternoon to go and I can't leave work early due to location so it'd have to be the whole day off. I suppose I could not drink and go into work on the Friday but we would then need to leave early to get home.

We're looking to start IVF this year so holiday days are really important to me so I am feeling selfish about saving those days up for when we need them. My work are great I just don't want to take the p with them & I have no idea how the ivf will go. Am I being unreasonable not to attend because I don't want to waste two days leave for a essentially a party? I'm worried about upsetting my aunt as well by saying no, so have no idea how to say no either! I know it's an invite not a summons but how do I say no without offending anyone? Can I just say we regret we can't attend with no explanation? And how long after we get the invite should we wait to say no as well?

OP posts:
CheekyNandosForMe · 07/01/2019 02:01

You could simply say that due to circumstances you can't discuss yet, that you can't take any days off for X amount of time. But, could you so something together the weekend before, to help celebrate? And if she's good at secrets, maybe let her know why you need your days.

KC225 · 07/01/2019 02:02

Perfectly acceptable to send a thank you for your invitaion to the reception but. sorry we will be unable to attend' and leave it at that. I would respond as soon as you could, they may have a second tier of invitees.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/01/2019 02:02

Mid week wedding and reception only invite?

I'd be sending a nice card and gift, and say you're gutted you can't get the time off work.

No reasonable person who gets married on a Thursday expects to get 100% attendance, this shouldn't be a shock to them.

LadyB49 · 07/01/2019 02:08

We got married in a Thursday and had 100% attendance.
Everyone invited was invited for the whole day

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/01/2019 02:10

We got married in a Thursday and had 100% attendance.

Brilliant, but did you expect it? Would you have been really put out if a guest couldn't get time off work or didn't have any leave left? I'm guessing not.

Monty27 · 07/01/2019 02:14

What about turning up on Thursday in your own time and booking Friday off. That's the diplomatic side of me talking.
Real life me would RSVP saying I can't attend due to work commitments. With a lovely card and the niceties written therein.
No present. I'd be fuming.
Sorry not much help

moredoll · 07/01/2019 02:15

Just send a card saying you're very sorry you won't be able to make it due to a previous commitment (the IVF but you don't have to tell them that). Ask if there's a gift list and send something nice.

OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 02:16

Well, do you want to go or not? An evening invite is still lovely. You'll see bride in her dress and groom all handsome on their special day, with all your relatives, such a wonderful celebration. Is it a long travel away for you?

(I still laugh that one of my now closest friends came to my wedding day in her jeans as she'd been invited to evening do & was planning to get dressed up later having travelled but wanted to to see us & throw confetti as we came out of church - so very last minute she got whooshed into church with us as I stopped my walk in in my veil to say hey fab to see you, we got 4 extra spaces - we had one family that couldn't comeast minute as ill on day- would ya like to join us for full day& wedding meal?! )

Two days leave off (if UK out of your 4+ weeks AL) isn't a big deal to attend a lovely family party that you want to go to (unless you have school aged children then it's a nightmare! 😮)

If you don't really want to go, then decline the invite "regretfully".

Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:16

My family know about the IVF so that's not a secret, just feel bit shit saying your wedding reception isn't worth the two days leave!

I think my aunt will understand , she's really lovely just don't want to offend her or make her think I'm throwing my toys out the pram as we're not invited to the ceremony.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 02:22

(Mine was a Saturday wedding)

But I've gone to Friday weddings and would go no matter what day, evening or daytime invite, if I wanted to go.

And if I was only invited to evening do, but it was one of my many cousins whom I love (I have 20+ first cousins!) and I was going to evening do anyway, i'd turn up early with confetti to cheer & watch them come out of church - IF it wasn't a private exclusive setting.

Sashkin · 07/01/2019 02:23

How far away is it? If you arrive at 4pm for the evening reception, I can’t imagine it will be carrying on until the small hours (most evening invites are from 7-8pm - are you completely sure you aren’t invited to the meal? If they are really planning an 8hr reception they must have a lot of stamina).

I would just have a small glass of champagne and not drink aside from that, and leave at 9ish to head home. Or set off after work, aiming to arrive for 8pm.

Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:24

If I went to work I wouldn't get there till after 9pm if I allow to get changed so that's a no go, they've just asked for money and given an email to respond to. I'll ask for their address & send our regrets in a nice card.

We don't know what parts my DF has been invited to yet as he hasn't received his invite yet. If you're not going how much is normal to give as a gift?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:26

Wedding is apparently at the same venue as the reception

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 02:27

@bunbunbunny ah, you don't want to go.
That's different. Better to decline it early, then bride and groom can invite others in your place.

4pm sounds like wedding meal though, as usually evening invites are 7-8pm. Maybe the church or wedding office is very small?

Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:27

If it was a Friday I think I could have coped with that! I wish it was a Friday

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:28

It's a hotel

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunbunbunny · 07/01/2019 02:29

Sorry didn't mean to drip feed!

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 02:29

I've cross posted with you OP.

Wedding gifts are what you want to give. I'd give £20-40 if cash, if I wasn't going or week going regardless. £10 if not close and I wasn't going.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/01/2019 02:29

If you need to provide any detail about why you "can't" go, June is prime holiday season so say another colleague has booked that time off.

As for a gift, just give what you can afford and what you're happy to give- don't let guilt make you over generous if it's out of your budget!

moreteaplease0 · 07/01/2019 02:30

How far is the drive?

OffToBedhampton · 07/01/2019 02:31

@Penny has a great excuse if you need one, to not go. You can't get that particular week off ..

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2019 02:40

don’t go

LellyMcKelly · 07/01/2019 02:48

Unless you’re desperate to go I’d respectfully decline and send them a nice gift.

MaggieFS · 07/01/2019 03:22

You don't have to give a reason when you decline.

If you want to say more to your aunt just say you can't get the time off work. If your days off are earmarked for ivf then it's true that you can't!

Don't worry about it. As pp have said, people can't choose to have a Thursday wedding and get 100%

TheSerenDipitY · 07/01/2019 03:23

just feel bit shit saying your wedding reception isn't worth the two days leave!
i wouldnt feel shit, if they had really wanted your presence at their wedding they would have invited you to the important bit, not just the bit at the end ( the bit that increases the present numbers)
and if they pull the "but its family" remind them but not family enough to actually be invited for the important bit, seeing you say i do and all the associated shit that goes along with it

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