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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact arrangments for my son to see his dad....

47 replies

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 20:35

Quick back story...
Met Dec 2014
Unexpected pregnancy Mar 2015
Son born Oct 2015 (Prem)
Separated Jan 2017
Mediation April 2017 - child arrangements made.
Ex changes his shifts April 2017 - arrangements made without mediation. Ex would have our son during the week to suit his shifts - (5 days on, 3 days off) he would have him either 1 night and day or 2 nights and 2 days, to suit him.

Here's the problem now!

LO is going to start pre-school this week, at school (same school as my eldest, different father) 5 days a week

I have expressed I want him to go to preschool 5 days a week, start good routine for school, stability, consistency etc. The ex wants to keep him off school on some of the days he has off work, this wouldn't be the same days every week, it would change every week.

I have said he can have LO any evening for tea and bring him home for bed and any weekend time - I have suggested mediation, he claims he is taking me straight to court Hmm

I have written him a letter explaining why LO should attend school and all the possible time he can have LO (basically just not school hours) and for him to let me know when he would like him.

He hasn't responded at all! I'm pretty sure he is going to turn up at school and try to collect him without letting me know, I'm also pretty sure he will then keep him and not take him to school the following day.

If he does this AIBU to put an application into court myself to stop him doing this? He's an 'all or nothing' person so if he doesn't get his way he will do whatever he can, even if it is not in LO's best interest.

AIBU to say that LO should attend pre-school 5 days a week?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 06/01/2019 21:06

So your son is 3.5yrs approx? Is the school preschool 5 mornings or all day? Many school based preschools only allow kids to do 5 mor kings or 5 afternoons. Is the preschool only for your sons benefit or is it part of your childcare for work etc.? He is entitled to 15hrs and this is for a reason. Most preschools will not work this around shift work as they just dont have the capacity to do this.

With PR he can just pick him up from school unfortunately and there will be nothing school can do to stop him without a court order.

I think you can do what you think is correct as resident parent and let him challenge it through mediation/court if it come to it.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 06/01/2019 21:10

My ds has 15 hours at nursery, ft M and F, half day Wed so I can share my days off with him. Why would you not do this for your ds? Not for ex but for ds. We have a great few hours just us!
Plenty of time for school next year.

Original poster
anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:11

Yes he is 3.5 years, but he will go 5 full days - I have 30 hours funding and this is covers 5 days. I do not work a Friday, but otherwise I work within school hours mon - thurs, LO has always been to a nursery, just now he is at the school pre-school I don't want him staying off different days every week.
I want him to learn about consistency and commitment to education at an early age, my eldest did the same thing at 3 and he thrived. His dad isn't well educated and doesn't value school, which I think is the main issue.

OP posts:
adaline · 06/01/2019 21:14

He's three!

Why can't he have some lovely one-on-one time with his dad before he has to be in school everyday?!

Original poster
anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:16

Santaisfastasleepatlast
If my ex had the same day's off each week I could work around this, the problem is he has different days off each week and I don't think that will support a stable routine for LO.

OP posts:
Thehop · 06/01/2019 21:17

If he gets 30hrs funded he HAS to attend his hours or the Local authority can claim back the cost and you’ll lose your place.

Ask nursery for evidence.

Let him go to court, they’ll laugh their socks off.

Subtlecheese · 06/01/2019 21:17

It's a lot of hours for a child that age, why can't he have time whilst ds is not yet old enough for school?
He will value education not from being pushed through the system but from you valuing it.
Also different children have different personalities. He might or might not take to school in the same way anyway. You should probably keep an open mind if your child needs time to adjust to an institutional environment.

Amanduh · 06/01/2019 21:18

He doesn’t need a stable routine and 5 full days at nursery at three! Plenty of time to adjust to that at school in the next 15 years ffs. Let him see his dad

Original poster
anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:21

He can see his dad any evening and any weekend time, this isn't about stopping LO spending time with his dad, this is about what is right for all of my family and what I believe is in LO's best interest.

OP posts:
adaline · 06/01/2019 21:22

He doesn't need a stable routine of five full days at pre-school - he's three years old! Let him have time with his dad while it's still possible.

Why would you deliberately restrict that? What if pre-school was on weekends and his dad said you couldn't spend time with your son because he had to be at pre-school all day?

PrettyLovely1 · 06/01/2019 21:22

Yabu totally! Let him have time with his Dad.

Nicknacky · 06/01/2019 21:24

To be honest, my first child didn’t attend nursery every session as I kept her off when I was days off during the week. I valued that time before she entered 13 years set education and I don’t regret that at all.

The nursery was aware and happy with that.

PippilottaLongstocking · 06/01/2019 21:29

I completely agree with you OP, like you said if it were the same days each week it would be fine but he can’t expect to take him out of preschool on different days each week. Let him take you to court (or take him yourself) and when you go have a clear plan of what you want written up already. If there’s a court order he can’t just take him randomly when he feels so you’ll have more security.

Belleende · 06/01/2019 21:30

As said up thread, if you are using the 30 free hours, then you are expected to use all of them most of the time otherwise the nursery loses the funding. I occasionally pick my DD up at noon rather than 3 once a week, but they made it clear that this was the maximum they would be able to accommodate.

LittleOwl153 · 06/01/2019 21:32

So preschool makes much better financial sense than nursery I expect at that age if you only work school hours - term time only I assume. I'd book him in for the 30hrs, and speak to the preschool manager about the restrictions of the funding. Within that I'd let his dad pick him up - maybe ask that he does mornings in preschool?
He doesn't educationally need to do 30hrs in preschool, with an October birthday he has 5 terms to do before school he is not going to miss out - remember some kids only get 3 terms if they are summer birthdays.

But I would get a response from the preschool on the funding and keeping the space and make sure your ex is aware of this and the Implications of taking him out too much.

(You are going to need to come up with a good plan for once he starts school though as taking him out of school wont clearly be an option)

Original poster
anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:32

Surely the reason 30 hours funding is provided is because it is within a child's best interest to access these 30 hours. I am aware that I could lose the placement if he does not attend regularly and as my ex is unable to commit to a set day each week it would not be possible for me to let LO off school random days each week.
I repeat - this isn't about stopping LO seeing his dad - this is about 6 hours per day for 5 days of the week - I have said he can have him any of the other time.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 06/01/2019 21:35

YABU He's 3, he has plenty of time to get into a good routine for school and just because his dad doesn't agree with you on this, it doesn't mean he doesn't value education.

LL83 · 06/01/2019 21:37

Pre school is 15 hours up until new 30 hours. I think he can learn enough about the routine 3 out if 5 days.

He will learn where the coats and jackets go, welcome routine, play structure, taking turns, accessing snack and have consistency at each session. The fact he is off different days won't matter in my opinion. I also think 30 hours is effectively starting school early and would not want it for my child (different if essential for work but not if parent is available).

I don't think he will win at court though.

LL83 · 06/01/2019 21:38

The 30 hours is to encourage parents to work.

There are few jobs that accommodate school hours so I don't think this helps at all.

I agree working parents should get more support. But I don't think 30 hours for everyone is good idea.

Hopoindown31 · 06/01/2019 21:39

Hi, the funding is in place for 30 hours so you can work more, claim less benefits and pay more tax. Preschool is in no way better than quality time with a parent.

You need to find a compromise as that is what co-parenting is about.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/01/2019 21:41

What Adlaline said
Once school starts that’s IT
Commitment for life !
No breaks
Let him enjoy being 3 and see his dad

Original poster
anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:45

I client face in school hours and complete all my admin on an evening once my children are in bed - so the 30 hours doesn't cover my working time but support me being able to work and spend time with my children. It is not my fault my ex works shifts that mean he is unable to support with a pre-school placement, however I am being as co-operative as I can saying he can have ANY evening and ANY weekend time. Not many separated parents are that flexible.

I appreciate many of your opinions but I am confident this is the best way forward for my son and given I am a registered social worker I can assure you I have taken into account my son's needs completely.

I can envisage this ending up in a court room, for which I am fully prepared - I simply wished for some 'peer support' which appears to have turned into an attack from some individuals - I am shocked that such a forum would be like this.

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 06/01/2019 21:47

Even if your DS is at nursery every day, why can't your ex pick him up, have him overnight and drop him back at nursery the next morning - why does he need to bring him back to yours?

Honestly - you are being UR, dressing it up as being about your DS doesn't change the fact it more because it doesn't suit you. Your DS will be far more out out having to spend less time with his dad, than missing nursery from time to time.

LittleOwl153 · 06/01/2019 21:47

15hrs is offered to every child as a preschool education, the 30hrs - I.e. 15hr top up is childcare for working parents. If it was felt that every child needed the 30hrs from 3, school intake would be much earlier. I would definitely say ensure he gets 15hrs, but the additional 15 is not more important than quality time with both parents. As I said - talk to your preschool manager and see what leeway they have.

Userplusnumbers · 06/01/2019 21:54

Also, as PP have pointed out, the 30 hours is to support you working.

Your current proposal of reducing week time contact with his dad from 24/48 hours at a time down to maybe three hours (assuming 3pm pick up, back to yours at 6 for bath/bed by 7) is unlikely to be looked on sympathetically, given that there seems to be no concerns over the care his dad is providing.

Perhaps you need to speak to nursery, and his dad needs to fix (or attempt to) fix one of his days off.

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