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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact arrangments for my son to see his dad....

47 replies

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 20:35

Quick back story...
Met Dec 2014
Unexpected pregnancy Mar 2015
Son born Oct 2015 (Prem)
Separated Jan 2017
Mediation April 2017 - child arrangements made.
Ex changes his shifts April 2017 - arrangements made without mediation. Ex would have our son during the week to suit his shifts - (5 days on, 3 days off) he would have him either 1 night and day or 2 nights and 2 days, to suit him.

Here's the problem now!

LO is going to start pre-school this week, at school (same school as my eldest, different father) 5 days a week

I have expressed I want him to go to preschool 5 days a week, start good routine for school, stability, consistency etc. The ex wants to keep him off school on some of the days he has off work, this wouldn't be the same days every week, it would change every week.

I have said he can have LO any evening for tea and bring him home for bed and any weekend time - I have suggested mediation, he claims he is taking me straight to court

I have written him a letter explaining why LO should attend school and all the possible time he can have LO (basically just not school hours) and for him to let me know when he would like him.

He hasn't responded at all! I'm pretty sure he is going to turn up at school and try to collect him without letting me know, I'm also pretty sure he will then keep him and not take him to school the following day.

If he does this AIBU to put an application into court myself to stop him doing this? He's an 'all or nothing' person so if he doesn't get his way he will do whatever he can, even if it is not in LO's best interest.

AIBU to say that LO should attend pre-school 5 days a week?

OP posts:

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 06/01/2019 21:55

If he goes for 50/50 he may well get it regardless of nursery commitments.

afromom · 06/01/2019 21:57

To those saying that DS doesn't need 30 hrs childcare, the OP has stated that she requires childcare for DS 4 days per week. As ex does not have consistent days off, DS would need to be in childcare 4 days, so 24hrs. If the nursery withdraws the funding as DS is not using the full 30hr entitlement, the OP would then only have 15hrs childcare, meaning she would have to seek alternative childcare for the remaining hours, which I expect would be greater than the remaining 9 hrs needed, costing the OP money.
If ex can't be consistent on days, which I understand (my DP works a shift pattern too), I don't see how else the OP can manage the childcare for her DS, without using the full 30hrs each week, paying out for childcare, or not working.
The 30hrs free will not be available if DS does not use it consistently each week (as PP have already confirmed in their experience).
OP I agree with you, book DS in for the 30hrs. Your ex will have weekends (when off), after school and any days in school holidays that he is able to have him). Not ideal, but I don't see any other option for you.

Original poster

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 21:59

I have asked my ex to discuss this, I have also asked if he would like to return to mediation - He will not even have a conversation about it. Simply just says "I'm taking you to court"

How is it possible to co-parent with someone who will not engage in a conversation. Without any input from him I have ZERO other choice but to make the decisions myself.

OP posts:

Mummyshark2018 · 06/01/2019 22:02

Op, does ex pay maintainence and contribute towards current nursery fees? If ex's contact requests means that you won't be able to use the 30hours (as funding may be pulled if not used consistently), could dc not stay at current nursery. I assume the arrangement is currently working? Is there any reason you have to move dc from a nursery to a pre-school (pretty much the same thing, just called something different).

Original poster

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 22:04

Userplusnumbers yes it would be a reduction in hours, but my ex currently has 3.5 days off every 8 days and chooses to see his son 24 or 48 hours - when he could easily see him more, he chooses not to because he 'needs a day or two of rest' as he puts it. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't want his son all of the available time he has anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 22:07

Mummyshark2018
Ex pays min maintenance and nothing towards nursery costs. previously I have been loosing £100 per week paying nursery when ex has had him off and he has not been asked to contribute.

Reason for setting move is nursery not holding same standards as when LO started, they have also made comments about my ex 'acting strangely' at pick ups - so pick ups at a new setting would be beneficial for this reason too. Additionally it is the school my eldest is at, so less car travel in the morning/afternoon + other obvious benefits that go along with them being in the same setting.

OP posts:

Sandbox · 06/01/2019 22:08

I’m actually with your ex, 3 is so little and always been in nursery I think it’s nice that at least one parent wants to spend time with the child.

Threadastaire · 06/01/2019 22:14

Op you've just explained you wanted responses that agreed with you when you've posted in a forum called 'am I being unreasonable'. I think you should read the titles before posting.

I wouldn't advertise that you're a registered social worker if you confuse Tory govt policy with best evidence for child development. Next you'll be telling us that the best childhood nutrition is from food banks otherwise why would they be springing up everywhere?

Mummyshark2018 · 06/01/2019 22:14

I totally get your reasons for wanting to move him. In that case I would be trying to come to an agreement where he is paying towards nursery costs- and you forfeiting (for want of a better word) the 30 hours, that's if you can actually pay the pre school? Perhaps a conversation with pre-school manager would be good to see if they can think of any suggestions.

Original poster

anxiousmomma23 · 06/01/2019 22:17

Threadastaire

I'm not here to talk about politics

People should be able to discuss opinion - which is what I have asked for without being attacked - which is what some posters do when they assume I am deliberately stopping my son seeing his father - there is a difference - I do not wish to get into a debate about this. More than happy to just delete the thread, I can see the responses that are rational and those that just jump to conclusions and that is sufficient for me.

Thank you to all those rational posters - I appreciate your responses even if we disagree.

OP posts:

Mummyshark2018 · 06/01/2019 22:21

I can see the judgey comments have started . Lots of children (babies) go to nurseries as Lots of parents have no choice and need to work. Op has said that if ex could offer a consistent day/s then this would be better and would be easier to negotiate with preschool. Plus we're talking about 30 hours over a week, term time only in what OP has described as a good quality provision linked to a school.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 06/01/2019 22:30

yanbu your ex comes across as self-centred and inflexible.
I would wonder if is this was an attempt at excercising some control over the situation. You know his character best. Let him take it to court. If you have anything you couldnt bring up in mediation, thats the time x

StressedToTheMaxx · 06/01/2019 22:38

I actually think it is great that children are now being offered 30 hours and I think it is their right to use the majority of it (obviously excluding illness)
It would be different if dad had set days but he doesn't. The nursery wound not be able to keep up with the child's routine because there isn't one.

My main concern is say dad takes dc out for 2 days, then dc has a temperature one morning-he won't be able to go in that day either(ours aren't anyways) that's another day off.
That's over have a school week the child has missed.
I would be checking if there is a certain attendance percentage the child needs to meet to merit funding.

snowball28 · 07/01/2019 01:35

Well what is she supposed to do about work if she looses the entitlement and place as her ex is pulling the child out ransoms days. How is she supposed to work?

She’s clearly stated that she needs the place and 30hrs as it covers her employment requirements, dad can’t commit to set days so it seems here the answer is simple, keep the child in pre-school and dad can pick him up and have him overnight to be dropped off the next morn whenever he’s not working and can have plenty of weekend time also.

I really don’t see the issue, nor do I see the sense in her loosing the place and being potentially forced out of work for some time until she secured a new childcare setting as I doubt dad can commit to having his child x5 days a week. Why should mum potentially loose out on employment?

Saltandsauce · 07/01/2019 01:46

I don’t get why people can’t understand that the op needs the funded place for the days when her ex CANT have her DC! And because there’s no set days, it’s best to use the full 30 hours to cover all days of the week so she has childcare everyday!!
Yanbu op, I would also be letting the nursery know about this and that there is a dispute and that you don’t want ur ex picking your dc up if you’re worried he won’t return him.

LearningMySelfWorth · 07/01/2019 01:51

You're doing the right thing for your son. Let him take you too court, what were his plans when LO starts school? I can't take him out randomly for days. If you can go to court and let them know/see evidence of your ex being difficult and mention how he has been acting strangely around pickups, tell them you want to set up regular and consistent contact between them and that your also happy for your ex to have him on other odd days (providing you having nothing planned with LO and he lets you know in advance), you also need to consider how the consistency will help your older son as well.

MrsJonSno · 07/01/2019 01:55

I work in a Pre School. No children attended 5 full days. 3-5 mornings or afternoons isn’t standard, or maybe 2 full days and half a day. Parents often chop and change if there’s space- to suit family activities and work shifts.

Many parents working shifts use different days and times childcare each week. It’s normal.

I don’t think you’ll win this argument if it gets to court.

MrsJonSno · 07/01/2019 01:58

Also why is he going to do 5 whole days a week in childcare at 3.5 when you have every Friday off? If he’s Dad will be having him some evenings and weekends surely you’d want Fridays with him?

moredoll · 07/01/2019 02:06

I don't think YABU. You need the 30 hours and I think the court will expect your ex to try and fit in with this. As you know they will look at it from the child's pov and will want contact maintained with his father, which you are trying to arrange.

steadtler · 07/01/2019 02:19

" I simply wished for some 'peer support' "

You're annoyed people have different opinions? I feel like you think you're measured and understanding and probably do think you're acting genuinely but this isn't how it comes across. You seem like you think the father is simply an inconvenience as opposed to an equal parent. Maybe because he isn't well educated and you're a social worker.

I agree that children need consistency and a healthy attitude to education but they also need contact with their parents. Does your eldest get time with his father? I understand it must be hard to work part time and fit in visitation with these different men.

Aren't the 30 hours to encourage parents to work? How many of the 30 do you work / commute for?

FoodRUs · 07/01/2019 02:23

Could you offer your ex the chance to take DS out for lunch on his days off? So he picks him up from school, gives him lunch then gets him back in time for the afternoon session? If he's 15 or so minutes late I'm sure the school wouldn't mind as technically it's not compulsory? Then he could also pick him up and have him overnight and return him to school the next day.

Not sure if that would work?

mayflower43 · 07/01/2019 02:25

I think it's a little sad for a 3 year old to be in full time "education" rather than some special one to one time with a parent on a weekday. Obviously many parents have no choice, but in this case....they are so little for such a short time and once proper school starts there is little opportunity for that oh so precious time together in the week. I know I am probably in the minority thinking this way though.

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