Dh calling me crazy

[shitday]

I’m currently in hospital with my very poorly baby. Neither of us have had much sleep because we’re constantly being woken observations, medicine, blood tests, general prodding and poking etc. I’m also finding it draining to have to constantly restrain and pin her down while she’s force fed medicine or they do tests as it’s just so upsetting - she’s just had enough now. On top of this I’ve just recovered from 5 day flu and still have a severe headache, sore throat (think razor blades) and chesty (burny) cough. I’m basically knackered and want to go home with a baby who is healthy and happy.

Dm came in today and we had an argument (well she argued with me over bit getting her way and I stood firm). I didn’t cave so she ignored me for the rest of the visit and continued to speak to everyone else in a very overly happy tone (she is known for being childish - Dh/dsis/dsf have all since said This is what you get with her). I am annoyed with myself for then getting upset but at this point I was really feeling shit and I was on the verge of tears and my voice wobbled a bit when I asked dh something. He looked at me, rolled his eyes and said don’t overreact and start an argument with your mum there’s no need. This upset me further because I know he agrees with me on the ‘disagreement’ and he also admitted later that I was not remotely confrontational so I don’t get why he would say it was me causing the argument. A bit later I got tears again because dm was still ignoring me and dh popped out. My toddler was also here and dm was keeping an eye on him while I was settling the baby. My toddler tried to run off out of sight and she just sat there starting into space so I had to run after him and drag him back with the baby in my arms. This happened a few more times when dh got back and then she got up and helped. I was livid and upset and he could see it in my face and just said I think you need to go for a walk you’re losing it. This place is making you nuts.

Now regardless of whether I was in the wrong or not for being over emotional (which I was but due to illness, sleep deprivation, worry for my baby) is there really any excuse for calling me crazy and nuts in front of everyone? I wouldn’t do it to him and if I had to say it I’d do it privately. I’m really upset. He later said oh I was just looking out for you saying you should go for a walk but it wasn’t said in a kind way. Also very belittling to say it in front of everyone. He’s not even so much as given me a hug today and he knows it’s been hell for me.

Aibu or am I right to be upset? I can accept if I need to take a step back but it’s all just getting on top of me and I just want someone to give me a hug and an hours sleep!!

((((((((()))))))))) big hugs, you poor thing, and I wish I was there to give you a real one - and look after your toddler so you could get an hours sleep.

You poor love, you're coping with so much, when you're so poorly, and the people that should be supporting you without a thought about themselves in their mind, are falling rather short.

I think perhaps, your DH could have phrased things badly, and put things better, but to be fair to him, he's most probably somewhat at the end of his tether too.

I think you're both exhausted and you have a mum who should be helping and is being a bloody pain and adding to all the emotional turmoil. DH is probably at the end of his tether too and probably phrased things very badly. He probably would normally give you a hug and some support but is running on empty himself so was just suggesting you go for a walk to cool down.

Hope you get some sleep OP? Can't your mum take the toddler away from the hospital and you and DH take turns to get some kip?

Of course you're right to be upset, look at al the balls you're trying to keep in the air right now. I also think you are being a little unfair on DH, why is your thread not entitled "AIBU to be livid with my DM"? She's come in, been obstructive, petulant, demanding and obstinate. She deliberately sat still until your DH came home to punish you. DH could have worded things a little more gently but he is right, by your own admission you are loosing it. Losing the ability to keep a calm and level emotional state (understandably) and he could hardly say "Your mum is driving you nuts" in front of her (he should have I think). He also didn't say you started the argument - he seemed to be trying (badly) to deflect and defuse and, again, he's not going to tell her to stop - I suspect that would not go down well with your 'D'M.
Don't wait for him to realise you need a hug. Tell him. You think he knows you're struggling - and I'm sure he does - but you both need to verbalise to each other how you are feeling and how your current situation is affecting you both. And keep reminding each other to look after each other. Its all so easily lost when you have other serious stuff to focus on.

Think it was titled about dh rather than dm because I expect it from her. With him I felt like he was the only person I was going to get any form of comfort from and he just seemed so annoyed with me. I did say to him I need you to give me a hug not tell me I’m losing it in front of everybody but he just sort of shrugged it off. If he had taken me aside and said your losing it I would have taken it much better because it wouldn’t have felt so humiliating after I already feel low.

Dh is also at least getting full night sleeps at home in our own bed. I just about nod off and they wake us up again. He only comes in for a few hours a day.

I am willing to accept iabu though as it seems that’s the popular opinion. It’s a bit hard to swallow tonight while I’m still feeling upset so I’ll maybe wait until tomorrow to apologise. Thanks for replying

YANBU! I would be upset too, especially if he isn't sleep deprived and so doesn't have your excuse for being upset. No way would I be apologising. And WTF is your mother doing there anyway if she's just adding to your burdens?

Why is everyone pussy footing round your mother? Tell her to leave unless she can actually help. If dh objects to the scene you are making tell him to grow a pair and back you. Your mum acts like this because nobody stands up to her. You already have two kids to deal with. You are doing a brilliant job

Oh bless you!
A bit of both, your exhausted and emotional and you got upset, your dh could do with being a bit more sensitive but it's the kind of thing mine would do, it doesn't sound malicious or like he was trying to upset.
Your mother on the other hand - don't let her back in!

If your husband was off work over the weekend why wasn't he coming in and making you go home to have a good sleep? He swans in all rested and then starts arguing - that would drive me nuts.

She was here to help with my toddler but as she wasn’t I did ask her to leave. I said there far too many of us here and if you’ve decided not to help anymore then you can just leave. She ignored me and started talking to dh. He talked to her as normal. I’m the only one that doesn’t pussy foot around her EVERYONE else does.

Toddler is at home with dh now I fell asleep at 7ish but we’ve been continuously woken since for medicine, sprays, observations, pain relief etc. I just don’t see an end to this and I’m so tired.

I guess the whole point of this post is frustration that I don’t have anyone to lean on for emotional support or comfort. I wish he’d said something nice when I told him or even said you’re doing a good job like pp (because that means a lot and it’s so good to hear so thank you). Just can’t wait to go home!

I agree with Poshjock. Send your (not so d)m home. She is the opposite of help.
Tell your dh you are going to do this and he needs to back you up and also you need a hug/help.
Do you have any helpful friends or relatives who can give you a break, either by watching the baby or the toddler for a few hours?

Sorry cross post with your update.
Yep dh is being an arse and needs to back you up.
Ask the nurses to send 'd'm away if she's likely to come in tomorrow.

Best wishes for you baby.

Not the point of the thread and I know you probably do t want to but is there any way your husband would swap with you for a night? Sounds like it will do everyone good.

Your mum sounds like a controlling bully and your DH sounds like he was trying to win her round and score points at your expense. The fact she left you to struggle and then played the doting helpful grandparent when your DH returned says it all. I would definitely give her a wide birth and as for him, well I'd be seething tbh.

I completely would interpret your dh's words in a totally different way, but I wasn't there. Telling someone that 'this place is sending you nuts' is something I would regard as an expression of concern not an insult. Is there something more behind this regarding your dh? Are you feeling unsupported? Was he aware of your dm's behaviour?

My husband would take night shift I would do day shift whenever our son was hospitalized and it was a constant occurrence when he was younger! Are you EBF? My husband and I would snipe at each other just due to stress through these times. I would van your wicked witch of a mother from visiting if she's such hard work! Best of luck

BAN not van

Your husband needs to come in, take over so you can go home and get a good chunk of sleep. Why isn't he doing this?

I totally understand I recently spent 2 weeks in hospital with my 3 yr old who had sepsis unfortunately we were on holiday at the time so the rest of the family went home 100 miles away I actually think I was going crazy my son was totally distressed with the constant prodding etc and I was so sleep deprived with all the screaming babies
Sending hugs hope u get home soon

YANBU. Poor you. It's so tough being mum at the best of times, let alone stuck in a hospital with everything and everyone to look after xxx

I have been in your shoes with DS. That constant waking and checking through the night is not great for sleep but necessary for your dc. Why not have your mum look after toddler at home? Toddler will probably prefer it to being stuck in hospital all day.

Exh and o are separated and he wound me up no end in hospital. He cane in about 9 and by 10 had to go get coffee and have a break. Never once asked to swap or give me a break.
Big hugs op I feel your pain and hope dc is home soon.

Sometimes a sympathetic nurse will tell unwanted visitors to sling their hook, especially if you tell them they're upsetting you but refuse to leave. Or will say visitors are restricted from now on.

It's worth a try.

Oh love

I don’t think your DH meant to upset you at all, he was probably trying to get you away from your DM without saying that in front of her so as not to cause WW3 at your sick child’s bedside.

He’s probably right, too; being sleep-deprived and keeping a vigil day and night is exhausting and will no doubt be driving you a bit nuts (I’ve been there, and it did!)

Your DH is getting a lot of flak here without enough info; is there a reason you aren’t taking it in turns, such as you not wanting to leave the hospital to go home to shower/rest? I’ve found this to be the case with a lot of relatives who stay round the clock with patients I’ve looked after, even when it’s gently pointed out to them that they’re no good to the patient if they’re not taking care of themselves, too.

With a toddler in the mix, one of you has to be compos mentis and alert, and I don’t think your DM is that person so it really ought to be your DH, or you if you decide to take turns.

Wishing your family all the very best and a speedy recovery for your little one

And extra and for you!

Thanks everyone for replies.

Dh hasn’t offered to do the night shift and I’m not Ebf. He did offer to take over for a bit yesterday so I could go home and shower and said I could take as long as I wanted but I was very quick because as much as leaving to go home for a nap sounds amazing I also ultimately want to be with the baby. She’s very clingy and massively prefers me to anyone else when poorly.

Thanks again for replying maybe I am being a little harsh but it’s the result of me being completely fed up now.

Hmmm my take is that he was particularly insensitive when your DM was already making a tough situation even more difficult. Her overly cheerful tone sounds passive aggressive and so bloody cheap in the circumstances. Then to leave you struggling to catch your toddler while holding poorly baby ... wtaf?!!

Sounds like she did nothing to teach you a lesson but then assume nicey nicey mil for your husband. Fuck that.

And as for husband telling you to rein it in, not confront etc and going nuts is not supportive and plays into your mother's staging herself as nice lady as opposed to irrational daughter... nope, I'd be feeling pretty damn narked at the pair of them.

He needs to get your DM out of the picture, at least for the time being. She won't leave? She only helps for sil? And husband sees you stressed by the whole situation but won't back you up? I'd be fecking furious.