DH taking DS (3) away for the weekend alone

[MissSusanScreams]

I am totally prepared to be told I am being precious.

Background: DH and I are currently undergoing fertility investigations for secondary infertility after a miscarriage two years ago. I am finding this quite hard.

I’ve got a friend coming for a weekend in Feb to go out on the Saturday night. DH been invited to stay with another friend who has child the same age that weekend and is planning to take DS on his own. It’s a three and a half hour trip. And he’s never done much in the way of solo child care before.

AIBU not to want him to take DS away for the whole weekend? Or am I worrying too much and letting my stress about maybe not ever being able to have another child cloud my judgement?

Wouldn’t.

brown not even with their dad? Why?

YABVU

"Plus 3 is very young too to be without his mum for a whole weekend."

I don't understand agree with women who say this. I think it shows self importance and that they think they are more crucial than they are.

Oh OP. I'd be packing bags and waving him off. What a treat for some time to yourself.

"and you are understandably anxious and upset at the thought "

At the thought of being parted?

Understandably anxious?

I disagree. There is nothing normal about being anxious, of your child being with their father.

Thanks @WhatNow40

That was a really helpful post. You’re right. It will be hard but I probably do need to start now. It’s not that I don’t trust DH. He is a good dad- although his driving gives me heart attacks. But he promises to be more sedate with DS in the car.

I do trust DH. And I am being entirely selfish. But I cannot help how I feel about things. I did say at the beginning that I was fairly sure I am being precious.

Thanks for all those who have been understanding.

DH took DS on a few short trips when he was little & I was working. He didn't do an awful lot of the childcare at home because he was working longs hours at the time. I was a bit jealous bit of course they were fine and they look back very fondly on those trips that are now known as 'holiday of a lifetime' in our home.

@Oblomov18 I agree, it’s not normal to be so anxious about your child being with his other parent. Especially as you say he is a good parent and you trust him.

And as for the “too young to be away fro
His mother” bollocks...... yes, because possessing ovaries automatically makes women the alpha parent over the possessor of testicles. No wonder so many women on here say the father of their children are useless.

I’m sorry you’re upset OP. I am a nigh on identical position; one Dc, aged 5. Been trying three years for another, had several miscarriages and now on an enforced 12 month ban from TTC as last miscarriage was a molar pregnancy. So I do get where you are. I’m not unsympathetic, but really, you are being ridiculous.

Unless you have reason to think your DH won't look after your DS, then what's the problem. 2 kids have a good time, and you go out with your gf. Yes, YABU I think.

Is this the first time your DS will have been away?

I’m not anxious about him being with his father. I get this anxiety when DH goes away as well. Part of my PND was morbid thoughts about the people I love dying.

So the family your DH is staying with as a child of the same age. Your son will have such a lovely time and what a brilliant experience for your DH . I think you must let them go and have a great time . And that journey isn't that long. When my DS was 2.5 I drove to Spain ...he was absolutely fine

That's a MAJOR drip feed to mention PND and morbid thoughts of dying.

That should have been mentioned in the OP.

Enjoy the break! Dad's should be able to take their kids away just like mums do. Ok when babies are breastfeeding it's not practical but 3.5 is not far off school age!

I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, DS is 2.5 and the longest I've been away from him is about 8 hours, and I missed him like crazy because he's awesome. I'd really struggle if DH took him away for a whole weekend, much as the break would do me good. And I do think the fertility struggles impact the way you feel, we've been trying for another for over 1.5 years with one pregnancy loss and it makes you more aware of the fragility of life somehow, and more protective over the child you already have. The responses you've had from PP have been really useful for me to read because I know that my husband is more capable than I sometimes give him credit for and he naturally defers to me with all things childcare-related. I feel now I should let him loose with solo childcare a bit more!

@oblomov18 , give yourself peace. The woman seems perfectly genuine.

If you read the Op with a bit of empathy, Oblomov, it's blatantly obvious that the OP has some significant mental health issues (PND, anxiety, depression - doesn't matter what "brand" it is.)

OP you've acknowledged that you're BU. In order to help your anxiety (but not feed your irrational fears) can you have a chat with DH, be really honest about how you're struggling with this - which is not his fault, but the fault of your current MH issues. And agree some actions that will help you feel reassured throughout the trip. For example, a video call every evening at Xpm so you can say goodnight to DS. (Which is not unreasonable at all - my son is 23 and I still call him every other day if I'm away from home!)

However, you also need to be accepting of any requests he has - such as not bombarding him with messages every hour asking how DS is, how did he sleep, what has he eaten, etc., then sending increasingly panicky follow ups if he doesn't reply immediately. That kind of activity will feed your anxiety goblins and put them further in control.

You said you were going out the first night but then I assume you'd be alone for the 2nd? Get some stuff planned so that you're not sitting around feeling worried and lonely. Invite a friend round. Plan a long, luxurious soak in the bath whilst drinking wine and playing Netflix on a laptop/ipad/phone. Cook yourself a meal that you love but DH hates. Go to the cinema (alone or with a friend.) Schedule a long catch up call with a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in ages.

Write down a list of reasons that you don't need to be anxious.
"DS is with DH and he would never endanger our son."
"I know where DH and DS are. They are fine. I will speak to them at 7pm."
"I do not need to be anxious or seek reassurance about DS's safety. DH and DS are safe with [friend]."
"If anything bad were to happen, [friend] would call me immediately."

one thing you must impress on DH is that if something DOES happen (e.g. DS falls off swing and grazes his knee) then you need to know about it that day. A) so you can reassure DS and say "Oh dear, did you get a poorly knee? It will soon feel better and I bet you had fun before that, didn't you?" and B) it will stop your anxiety goblins from screaming "He's come back injured!! You're a terrible mother for letting him out of your sight!! This must never happen again!!"

Hope you find some of this helpful OP. Anxiety is a horrible bitch.

Just because ds will miss his mummy all weekend and be sad

Or alternatively hell have a ball being away with his Daddy playing with a new friend, ecploring new places. Why on earth would he be sad. Lots of children spend time away from their Mum and still somehow manage to have a great time

You just know if this was a mum posting saying she wanted to take her ds3 away for a weekend and the Dh was objecting, there'd be multiple cries of what a controlling wanker he was. Let him go, OP, you might like it!

YABU but it sounds like you have wider anxiety issues about loved ones that may be worth getting some mental health support with

Not the Ford, I completely disagree. I have re-read OP again, her first post, and even now, having read it again, the severe MH issues that you mention were not immediately clear. It wasn't when I first read the OP. It wasn't abundantly clear to me.

@MissSusanScreams I understand. I'm a mother who finds it hard watching someone else, even dh, drive away from my house with my child in the car because I have some anxieties. I've had to learn to let much of it go, it's taken a lot longer than three years. I understand it will be hard to accept being away from your child for a night or two but think rationally if you can - your son will love it, your husband will enjoy it and he'll learn a lot about aspects he may not usually be a part of.

Mumsnet is full of different people including those who regularly have weekends away without their children, those who are separated and share their time with the children as a regular arrangement, those who used childcare from a few months old, those who travel for work and have to be away a lot. As well as those parents who are rarely away from their children.

We all do things differently and those who are accustomed to leaving their children will be more relaxed about it, understandably. I wish I was more relaxed but like I say, I'm learning to be, but it's taken a long time!

My instinct is to say YABU but then I remember how my utterly useless ex nearly let my son run across a motorway whilst he was supposed to be looking after him so I think you need to take an objective step back and analyse your worries and what you think will happen then decide

Just popping back to say thank you for the lovely advice from people.

I didn’t mention the full details of my PND because I don’t want to give it too much weight. I just want to be clear that it is not a trust issue with DH. I have had counselling and generally cope much better with negative thought patterns. Obviously this trip has brought up lots of issues for me that I thought I’d dealt with.

Just to reiterate. I was fairly sure I was BU and precious. I just needed a reality check. Fair to say I got one