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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist talking to me is more important than his phone?

38 replies

MeVsPhone · 06/01/2019 09:25

My husband is a man of great focus. When he's on his phone he's ON HIS PHONE and it's quite difficult to break through. He says it's not deliberate, he just doesn't hear me. I think it's really rude but...you know what? Fine, maybe he really doesn't hear me. It might come across as rude but it's not deliberate.

But the other day in the car he took it one step further. I was driving, he was on his phone. I made some relatively meaningless comment about the traffic or the houses or something only to be completely ignored (again), so I said "Oh come on, stop ignoring me!".

And he said "I'm in the middle of a conversation! Why should talking to you take priority over talking to them?!"

He was having a WhatsApp chat with a friend of his. He thinks talking to people on WhatsApp is just as valid as talking to people next to you, and I shouldn't interrupt. He was also organising our DS's birthday party, which he says makes that conversation even more important: I should be grateful he's doing all the "emotional labour" on that front.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that talking to someone next to you should always take priority over talking to someone on the other end of a Whatsapp chat?

OP posts:
EcklesCakes · 06/01/2019 10:37

I don't think you're BU at all. Yes, maybe he is organising your DS's party but why isn't that something you can do together?
I think my DH intentionally ignores me sometimes. Don't get me wrong, he does have bad hearing due to being in the forces for 5 years HOWEVER sometimes I can be right next to him and he'll just ignore me. It really rattles me.
So no, YANBU. Tell him to start listening to you

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 10:48

I can understand small children not having impulse control and needing to get exactly the responses from people that the want when they want them, but why are some grown adults like this.

Just a bit of patience for people to finish what they are doing before demanding their full attention because you are important is reasonable.

MrBrown · 06/01/2019 11:19

YANBU, my DP does this and it infuriates me. He says he can't do 2 things at once, so listen and type but won't stop typing a message to listen to me for 30 seconds. I have to wait for him. I think it IS rude, texts aren't expecting an immediate response but when I'm standing in front of him I AM waiting for a response right there and then, that isn't rude to expect that.

Bloomini · 06/01/2019 11:26

I can guarantee as soon as you stop showing any interest in having a conversation with him and leaving him to his phone, he'll start to wonder why you're ignoring him. Give it a go if you can be arsed.

He's got no manners and YANBU.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 11:35

So he should always stop whatever he is doing and give you his full attention. Yes, I bet you do this for him. 🙄

Grace212 · 06/01/2019 11:39

he's already chatting to someone though....

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/01/2019 11:44

YABU.
He is having a phone conversation and you are interrupting. He could probably have timed the phone call better but, on the other hand, you both have plenty of opportunity to converse at other times.
Turn the music up and ignore.

Singlenotsingle · 06/01/2019 11:48

It's rude to try to interrupt when someone's already talking on the phone. Especially if you're making an inconsequential remark about the traffic or the weather.

knittedjest · 06/01/2019 11:50

You are both being unreasonable.

You for making stupid comments about the traffic. Those are not conversations and if I was in the middle of something I wouldn't stop what I was doing to answer yeah, the traffic is shit.

But...

It's hardly a conversation you are trying to have with him and it would have taken him 0.5 seconds to say the traffic is shit. Surely he can multitask long enough to reply.

Either way, the conversation is not thrilling. Neither one of you are missing out there.

JudasPrudy · 06/01/2019 11:55

I think I'd have been irritated if I was absorbed in something and someone else was forcing me into a banal discussion about something I didn't care about. Is he allowed to watch TV or read a book Confused

mummmy2017 · 06/01/2019 11:55

Your both BU..
He could have said it in a nicer way, and told you more details.
You could have asked a question, and thanked him for doing it...

AfterSchoolWorry · 06/01/2019 12:01

Yabu

You said yourself you were just making small talk.

Some people don't like having to engage with a constant stream of consciousness of someone else.

That's ok.

XmasPostmanBos · 06/01/2019 12:02

Well fair enough some people cant do two things at the same time but is he making your relationship a high priority in his life, setting aside a reasonable amount of time for you as a couple and family things as well, and when he has a conversation with you focusing only on you. If he is at least trying to do that I would work round his need to focus on one thing at a time.

masterandmargarita · 06/01/2019 12:05

The person next to you in rl should always trump the person on the other end of text conversation apart from emergencies but I think I'm old fashioned like that

AlpacaLypse · 06/01/2019 12:08

Whatsapp is a written conversation. Verbal communication should always take priority over written. Yanbu. Yes this particular incident was pretty trivial, but it sounds like it was the culmination of a behaviour pattern that's been getting on OP's nerves for ages.

Silkie2 · 06/01/2019 12:11

Hmmmm. Well if you had had something important to say yes, he should listen but I cannot bear drivel about traffic volume/ bad driving/ whatever inconsequential comment which will make no difference to the journey.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 12:12

Verbal should always take priority over written? Says who?

A pattern of behaviour? You’re forming that view based on what?

Are you sure the the OP will always drop whatever she is doing to face attentively and engage in whatever whimsical wittering her DH is uttering, no matter how banal?

I have my doubts.

CallMeSirShotsFired · 06/01/2019 12:18

My ex always used to be on his phone when I was driving us somewhere. I also found it really rude, because I was doing the boring chore, so felt the least he could do was chat to me while I chauffeured him, not sit there having a nice fun time.

(I never used my phone when he was driving us and would talk and interact with him - including banal comments about the shit traffic)

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 12:20

Heaven forbid that sometimes people like a bit of peace and quiet. Deary me.

gleegeek · 06/01/2019 12:37

YANBU! But I'm an old fogey too! My dh did this a lot but he was usually scrolling on BBC news. It drove me mad that I was so often being ignored - yes sometimes I was waffling but other times I needed him to engage. One day when I'd had enough I completely ignored him when he spoke to me, kept my face down on my phone etc. He really didn't like it! I eventually explained exactly what I was doing and why and he has been much better since. Phones so not take precedence over real life IMO.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 12:43

Why do you need to be entertained by a passenger at all times while you are driving?

Shadow1986 · 06/01/2019 12:44

My DH gives me grief for this all the time. One time I was on my phone doing the food shopping delivery and he spoke to me and because I was thinking about meals etc I didn’t hear and he gave me such a row over it. I find it quite demanding that when he speaks I must give him my full attention, he certainly doesn’t do it for me. I would not get too stressed about it. In the car situation, you could have said ‘DH - I said have you seen the traffic’ DH ‘sorry I was just speaking to so and so on what’s app about DS party’ you ‘oh ok cool’ - why does it have to be a big issue.

adaline · 06/01/2019 13:00

I see both sides.

I don't like this expectation that because someone is in the same room as you, they have to be "on" and ready to talk at all times. Sometimes I quite like just sitting on my phone or laptop and switching off from things - I don't want to have to be ready for a conversation all the time.

But it is frustrating when you try and talk to someone and they're just completely oblivious. Maybe try and get his attention before talking - then if he's busy he can say so and you won't feel ignored?

adaline · 06/01/2019 13:01

Verbal communication should always take priority over written.

What? Why?!

Original poster
MeVsPhone · 06/01/2019 20:25

Because written communication is asynchronous.

If I'm typing on my phone (NOT talking - I would never interrupt someone talking on the phone - which someb replies seem to have got confused about) and someone next to me says something, I will briefly pause my typing to respond, even if it's just to say "Hold on... Lemme just finish this message."

The person on the other end of the text message isn't communicating with me in real-time, so there's definitely a big difference imho.

OP posts:
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