To insist talking to me is more important than his phone?

[MeVsPhone]

My husband is a man of great focus. When he's on his phone he's ON HIS PHONE and it's quite difficult to break through. He says it's not deliberate, he just doesn't hear me. I think it's really rude but...you know what? Fine, maybe he really doesn't hear me. It might come across as rude but it's not deliberate.

But the other day in the car he took it one step further. I was driving, he was on his phone. I made some relatively meaningless comment about the traffic or the houses or something only to be completely ignored (again), so I said "Oh come on, stop ignoring me!".

And he said "I'm in the middle of a conversation! Why should talking to you take priority over talking to them?!"

He was having a WhatsApp chat with a friend of his. He thinks talking to people on WhatsApp is just as valid as talking to people next to you, and I shouldn't interrupt. He was also organising our DS's birthday party, which he says makes that conversation even more important: I should be grateful he's doing all the "emotional labour" on that front.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that talking to someone next to you should always take priority over talking to someone on the other end of a Whatsapp chat?

The person on the other end of the text message isn't communicating with me in real-time, so there's definitely a big difference imho.

Of course there's a difference, but one isn't inherently more important than the other. It drives me mad if I'm typing a message and concentrating and someone interrupts me and demands I talk to them when they can see I'm busy.

But surely if he's having a real time conversation with the person on Whatsapp he would be better phoning them and talking to them.

Doing it by text is just weird, especially when he won't interact with people who he is actually with. The people he is on Whatsapp with can't be expecting him to be there in real time, he could disappear at any minute.

But surely if he's having a real time conversation with the person on Whatsapp he would be better phoning them and talking to them.

Maybe he thought a one-sided WhatsApp voice conversation would be more distracting for OP driving than a silent text conversation?

Communication via messaging (whether it's Whatsapp or iMessage or Facebook messenger or another medium) certainly isn't asynchronous for everyone. I quite frequently have real-time conversations over message, and there's a number of reasons why I wouldn't turn that into a phone call - eg I'm in a location where I'd rather not talk on the phone (outside where it's loud, public transport, a quiet cafe); I'm in a group chat; I'm also doing several other things on my phone while carrying on the conversation; I'm talking to someone who's in another country, and the wifi isn't great for phone calls; or the person I'm talking to is doing any number of things which means that text based conversation works better for them. It's not inferior, it's just different.

YABU - he was concentrating on something important (to him) and you should have let him finish before chatting. It doesn't really make any difference whether was he was doing was a verbal conversation, written (which is in real-time anyway a lot of the time) or whether he was in the middle of doing online banking or shopping or counting the coins in his pocket, it would have been polite to have let him finish. I usually just say to my husband "let me know when you're finished talking to Dave so we can chat". Easy.

FWIW, I rarely make phone calls. Everyone in my family and my in-law's prefer to WhatsApp chat. You've got a trail of what was said in case you need to check, can send links and pictures, and can continue the conversation as and when you are able to. Plus Group Chats are great for organising. Easier than a phone call if you're quick at typing.

YANBU my OH is exactly like this. Even worse if there's a football match on, even if the match isn't being watched on TV (unlikely) he'll have the scores live on his phone and be glued to them and the chats around them. I literally find something else to do rather than sit and try to socialise! Can get frustrating but generally I just smile, affectionately call him an idiot and get on with whatever. He's just not able to focus on two things, and footballs such a passion I don't even mind. He reverts back to normal at half and full time.

In other words, he was on the phone in the middle of a conversation (a text-based one, but still a conversation), you interrupted and, when he tried to get on with what his was doing, you pushed again and had a strop when he told you to leave him alone. This is what it sounds like to me:

‘Me, me; look at me! Daddy, daddy, look at me! Look at MEEEE!!!! You’re not loooooking!!!!’

My dh does this to me and I get so irritated by it.

I’ll be in the middle of something, usually but not always work related on my phone. I’m right in the flow of it and my dh will come into the room and just start chatting inane stuff at me and expect me to put down my phone instantly to engage with him.
Then get huffy when I say I’ll be with him when I’m finished.

It might not look like the person is having a conversation but they are.

I literally find something else to do rather than sit and try to socialise!

Well yes, of course you should, he is busy and is doing something else.

But surely if he's having a real time conversation with the person on Whatsapp he would be better phoning them and talking to them.

Maybe he was in a group chat? Maybe it wasn’t convenient for the other person to talk? Maybe they just don’t like chatting on the phone.

I have real-time WhatsApp conversations with people all the time.

YABU.
If I am focusing on writing a text / Whatsapp message / inputting something on to the calendar / post on MN then that is what I'm doing. Same as if I am reading a book, watching something on TV.

If someone needs me, then they need to say my name, hang on a sec whilst I pause what I'm doing, then say whatever it was that was important enough to interrupt me at that point. I'll have blocked out back ground chatter if I'm concentrating on something.
Obviously if it is emergency, then that's fine, but you said it wasn't important, what you said.

Who wants to talk on the phone in 2018. Phoning someone nowadays is one of the worst things you can do to them.

I talk to my wife on the phone. That’s it. Even in the workplace people don’t just phone each other anymore. They will send a message of some kind saying “do you have 5 mins to talk about x” and that’s normally a last resort to sort something out.

Yeah this is my dp with everything he does, he completly zones out. My youngest ds is the same. It's so frustrating because I'm really good at multi tasking so just can not understand why, when he's watch g the tv he can't hear or see me standing at the door asking if he want some tea!