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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate weekends with the family?

33 replies

Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 08:56

Sorry millytrees for stealing your thread name...

I am a SAHM, DH works a lot. Nevertheless looking forward to the weekend because I hope we will do things as a family then... weekend comes and we do just nothing. Everybody likes to sleep in. Everybody apart from me.
Dh has ptsd so that we do not go out nearly as much as I would like to. Often BIL comes to visit and I do think he is annoying... not that he is a bad person but boisterous, braggy and a potty mouth. He is younger than us and I think it matters much. Often we end up in arguing over the words he uses in front of our children.

Often we end up watching TV which I
Often I end up going places with the children without dh which makes me sad.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 06/01/2019 09:03

Tell Bil to stop coming over for a start!

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 09:07

I think I would never be friends with BIL if he wasn’t BIL... but dh likes him a lot and seeing him means a lot to him... hopefully he will grow out of it one day.

OP posts:
Wigglywagglyworm · 06/01/2019 09:13

I’d limit BIL or tell dh to meet him out of the house sometimes.
I know what you mean, if you have more energy than everyone else you spend all week looking forward to seeing them and then feel so disappointed when they need to rest. I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable. Could Saturday be a rest day, where you perhaps go out alone and do something for yourself? Go for a swim or something? And Sunday be an “outing” day?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2019 09:29

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's ok for him to want to chill out, and it's ok for you to want to go out. In your shoes, I would just go out myself whilst everyone sleeps in. For me that would mean a run or a swim. Could you set aside say Sunday afternoon as a rule that you all do something together as a family? What age are your dc?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 09:32

I would be okay with having a rest day and an outing day. Dh too. On a theoretical level.
In fact we plannedthis once exactly like this, choosing only activities that were okay with his ptsd like hiking. He made an effort for a few months and then everything was back to normal.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 06/01/2019 09:35

How old are the kids?
How about you say, “there’s washing needs doing and the kitchen needs cleaning; which one do you want to do and I’ll do the other?”
Short walks? Go out for breakfast/brunch? It’s not a big day out that your DH would struggle to cope with and presumably, everyone likes eating?
I take my 10 year old to the cheap “Kids am” showing at the cinema from time to time to see a film. Start small, OP.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 10:04

DCs are still young. I do not want to mention their exact ages because I like to be more anonymous.
This is not about cleaning. Dh does clean up after himself and he pays for a cleaner, so he does the fair share. It is about doing things together as a family.
DH cannot do things that involve crowds or having things in his back because of his ptsd... but he can go hiking and when we did he enjoyed himself. He often said it was such a beautiful day at the end of the day....
Dh enjoys working out. We have a home gym. I asked him if it was possible to join a gym (a not very crowded one). We’re we used to live before we were gym members. They also had courses for the kids and childcare as well ansparend child courses. We enjoyed it a lot. I told dh I would like to join a gym again and he says we should do it but then whenever I tell him about a gym I would like to join he “not yet“, “not this one“, “we will see“.
I ask him what the problem is. He says “nothing“. I despair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 11:16

Bump

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 06/01/2019 11:22

Do you and DP go on dates?

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/01/2019 11:23

Join a gym without him.
I can appreciate you want to do weekend things with him but he doesn't seem to want to.
Also, take some take for yourself at the weekend. Surely he can stay with the kids for a few hours.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 11:23

Not really but I would like it.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 06/01/2019 11:23

*take some time

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 11:30

We do have childcare. That’s not the problem.
The problem: I wanting spend some time with him, as a couple, as a family. When we met he was a very a active man, positive attitude and i loved this about him... and now he is passive, negative attitude, complaining abou everything.
As if I am married to a different person now.

He does not make an effort . Last year we went hiking quite often and he enjoyed it a lot... but now... just does not mäkeln effort but I am sure he would enjoy it.

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 06/01/2019 11:33

Well obviously you have to make allowances for the fact he's gone through an incident so traumatic it's left him with lasting psychological problems. Has he had any therapy or counselling?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 11:35

Yes, he is doing therapy. He also was on medication but decided it was not for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 06/01/2019 11:35

Actually his therapist encourages such things as going hiking because they are good for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 07/01/2019 17:15

Bump

OP posts:
Windgate · 07/01/2019 17:50

You mention 'things on his back' does DH have a military/emergency services background? There are specialist provisions for such veterans and their families.
I'm imagining your DC are under 10, do you plan on returning to paid employment when possible for your own mental well being?
Sorry to bombard you, it must be very draining.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 07/01/2019 17:52

Yes, I plan to return to paid work ones they are older. Actually I tried that before but had to give up on the idea because it could not be done (not enough time, children ill to often).

OP posts:
Windgate · 07/01/2019 17:59

That I understand, been there as well. If he belongs/belonged to a specialist profession try their support network.

Mumofaprinny · 07/01/2019 18:25

He made an effort for a few months and then everything went back to normal.... he’s not trying and putting in no effort. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, he has made the effort before but choose’s not to now, it’s not the he physically can’t! Tell him you have no interest in living your life the way you are living it at the minute and it has to stop.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 07/01/2019 18:30

He is physically fit, just had a checkup. Everything is fine.

OP posts:
Mumofaprinny · 08/01/2019 09:45

I don’t know Op. I really think this is a case of him being able to do these things but choosing not to. All you can do is tell him exactly how you feel and see if that helps. If it doesn’t maybe you could go and stay with a family member or a friend for a night or two, just to make him see that you are serious?

Singlenotsingle · 08/01/2019 10:02

In our house DH likes to stay in on Saturdays to do his washing, clean the kitchen and catch up on TV shows that he's missed, then on Sundays it's Family Day and we go out and do something. It works 😊. Maybe you need to organise something and keep mentioning it during the week so that he knows what the plan is for Sunday?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 08/01/2019 10:49

Just a thought OP but this is where you could use your BIL to your advantage....it might take a bit of swallowing from you but why not approach BIL and say you are worried about DH ,,could he help you out? Maybe get him to start going out with DH on short trips..I know this doesnt help you right now being stuck in but if your DH can get used to going out again then it can only be a good thing for all of you. I know you want to ditch BIL but use him ...if your husband and he gets on and trusts each other then use it to your advantage,Get BIL to take DH hiking a few weekends you never know it might work wonders on your DH confidence and make him more open to engage with you and your kids...plus you get the added bonus of not having BIL in your face so win win for you ..you go and get to have some nice time doing something you want to do...Its not an over night solution but if you box clever then it could work out in time for your family....