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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

HOnest advice please

52 replies

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 21:52

I am a single mother to a 7 year old, who I am so proud of and to be honest I’m quite lucky with as she is a bit cheeky but well behaved. Anyway we do spend lot of time together just us and today my friend Came round for dinner. My daughter see’s weekend nights as our nights (she stays with her dad every other Saturday) and expressed she wasn’t impressed. My daughter was showing off and being a bit cheeky and had Told me she does not love me anymore. I told her I felt sad about that . A bit later she asked for more sweets and I said no, she then again told me she didn’t love me. She became very cheeky and wouldn’t share her popcorn with my guest and then threw it. SO I told her she needs to go and think about her behavior in her room. Then the trouble started she started being really rude, i couldn’t even talk to my friend. She kept coming in saying she didn’t want to be there. I told her if she was to come in she’s should stop crying Ans be nice or she goes back to her room. By then she became stubborn and said no. So I said enough, brush your teeth and go to bed bed. She then started screaming really loud and hysterically saying she didn’t love me and I wasn’t her mum anymore, she wasn’t going goinh bed. She pushed me. I then told her if she didn’t get to bed I would be removing her iPad for good , I told her I was really disappointed in this behaviors. She asked for a cuddle which I did and she asked to stay up I said no, she then started all over again. After half an hour she sat wailing in bed. I was so embarrassed about this it was awful!

Now I’m worried I have a damaged child.
I’m more worried as I have recently had to stop seeing my mum because she was screaming and shouting in front of my daughter whenever I said no to her, and on one occasion told my child I was a bully. My daughter is close to her but my mum kept on doing this behavior and after the third occasion I finally learnt it’s not going to get any better and I have such bad anxiety about the effect it could have on my child.
I have tried speaking with my mum but she says that it’s not that bad and minimizes it, she can’t think or see how it effects her so there’s no chance of it getting better.

Could the 2 be related? What do I do about it to help her? I have since gone in and spoken with her that things should never get to that level where people call someone names say they don’t love someone and that In our little family that is unacceptable.

I already feel like Iv failed my child as I kept allowing my mum back into our lives and she kept doing the same thing 3 times. It’s been really hard to keep away as ultimately I want my daughter to have a family but I had to weigh up what is worse not having my mum involved or having someone scream obscenities at me in front of my child. I’m feeling really useless right now and like I have failed as a mum. She is in bed crying now and I hate her feeling so sad and angry like this 😢 Has anyone had anything like this?

OP posts:
CherieBabySpliffUp · 05/01/2019 21:57

Knowing your DD sees weekends as your time together why did you invite your friend round this weekend? Could you not have arranged it for next weekend when your DD was with her father?

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/01/2019 22:00

You should have made arrangements to see your friend another time.

Thewifipasswordis · 05/01/2019 22:01

And another one Confused

MustShowDH · 05/01/2019 22:04

Did she know you're friend was coming over? Did you talk about how she felt about it?

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:08

I think it’s reasonable that a friend could join us for dinner, as happens with many a family! We spend every night together, have her friends over and family. We were going to play some games until all that happened! Surely that’s not unreasonable?? I don’t have friends over very often at all however i am trying to keep my friendships up too as I don’t ever attend anything or nights out (which I don’t care about) but I do also need a social life myself

OP posts:
Flannelled · 05/01/2019 22:10

I'm a bit confused.

Your 7 year old had a tantrum?
You've stopped her seeing your mum because your mum shouted at you 3 times in front of her?
You're worried you are causing long term damage to your daughter?

If that is right then...
7 year olds tantrum. They also say things they know will hurt people. They generally don't mean it.
You sound like you were being consistent though with what you will and won't accept behaviour wise which is good.
Was your daughter on board with having your friend around? Could her behaviour have been partly due to feeling like she was having to "share" you on what should be your night together?

What exactly is your mum doing and saying? It must be pretty bad if you are trying to cut her out of your lives?

A 7 year old having an off night does not = a damaged adult. Now you've calmed down, go and give her a cuddle. She'll be upset and worried.

GenerationSnowflake · 05/01/2019 22:12

Of course it's not unreasonable to have a friend around on your weekend. What ridiculous comments.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 05/01/2019 22:13

You can have a social life!
2 weekends out of 4 your DD is with her father. It just takes organisation. Be thankful you get any break full stop. Plenty of single parents don't.

SparklyLeprechaun · 05/01/2019 22:18

Op, I've got an 8y/o, no mother who shouts at me, no ex, a nice, relaxed home environment. DD will sometimes throw a tantrum, shout at me that she hates me and no one loves her. It's generally linked to tiredness or boredom or who knows what. She gets punished and soon enough we are best friends again. I'm not really worried she will grow up damaged.

Oh, and of course you can have friends around any time you want.

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:19

I have given her a cuddle and kiss and told her that a line is drawn under it and tomorrow is a new day.

The problem I am having is that we spend all our time together, every weekend night is our night we play and do make up etc, so yes it Probably didn’t impress her but I want to try and start seeing my friends and I explained to her beforehand it’s like when she has a friend over and we can all play together.
That’s what I am asking and what I put in my post, I have been extremely lucky evidently as I have never ever had that behavior before, Rebelion yes, but never screaming and shouting and I was trying to work out if it’s normal or if my daughter has been impacted at all.

Yes the last incident was pretty serious. Perhaps I’m just really anxious and sensitive right now!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2019 22:21

It sounds like she was acting out to me. I think firm boundaries and consequences are needed. Of course you should be able to have a guest around, that is a normal thing!

It might help in future to talk clearly through what will happen and what you expect from her before your guest arrives.

7kyay · 05/01/2019 22:23

There is no way you shouldn't have friends over on a weekend you have your dd, suggestions otherwise are just NUTS!

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:23

Sparkly leprechaun thank you for putting some context around it for me! I am happy to hear that those words are average for a 7 year old perhaps I’m analyzing it too much as it’s all quite fresh!

I have been extremely lucky I think and that’s why this was totally out of the blue, I absolutely hate seeing her in such a tizz! Perhaps I just need to chill!
Having been heavily critized for things for a long time I just wanted some advice and reassurance x

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 05/01/2019 22:23

People are nuts, of course you can have your friends round, anytime you like, your daughter was very very rude, you haven’t failed her but you will fail her if you don’t nip this in the bud, it’s your home as well as hers, you can invite whoever you like, whenever you like and your daughter should be polite to guests , I’d take her iPad away till after the weekend and ha d a talk about manners and making guests feel welcome, being strict doesn’t make you a bad mum, it helps your daughter learn what is or isn’t acceptable, throwing popcorn? My kids would not have dared!! She should also apologise to your friend

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:25

Stomp dinosaur that’s a good idea! Then we are prepared just didn’t think it, she loves it when I have our family over but I think she is a bit funny when it’s my friends as she is used to it being me and her most of the time.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/01/2019 22:28

I agree. It’s so reasonable to have a friend over at the weekend, it’s mundane!

Do the posters who suggest this was wrong let their own children have charge of the weekends?

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:28

Mrsbird11 I was livid myself, I thought about asking her to apologize but it seemed she had backed herself into such a corner I thought I’d wait and suggest she writes a letter tomorrow. The iPads banned for a week and early nights are on for a week. I told her a line is drawn under it and tomorrow is a new day but consequences stand. I’m not great at being really strict, oh never actually had to be too strict but I am
Mortified at that behavior . I always get told how sociable and fun she is to be around and that’s why i am questioning why so much as it’s just never happened before!

OP posts:
fc301 · 05/01/2019 22:34

I would say they are absolutely related. She has seen your Mums toxic behaviour (which undermined you) and you have ceased contact. This has shaken her foundations. Children are inherently selfish & she is probably subconsciously worrying "if I behave really badly will she cut me off too?".
She needs firm boundaries & reassurance.
You're allowed friends over whenever you damn well please without her throwing popcorn around. You were right not to tolerate that bad behaviour.

Mrsbird311 · 05/01/2019 22:34

Perfect, nothing you did wrong, she’s testing the boundary’s and seeing how far she can go!! I think you’ve handled it really well

WeWantJustice · 05/01/2019 22:38

Agree that you've done nothing wrong and people pretending that you are not allowed to have friends round are barkng.

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:44

Fc301 I agree and that’s what makes me sad and why I really tried to avoid no contact. I haven’t actively told her there will be no contact though I have said that gran needs a bit of a rest as she gets moody when she is tired so we are going to give her a bit of time out. She seemed ok with that but to me the timing of this tantrum Ian making me think is she ok.

I am so aware of how damaging these situations can be and that’s why Iv been so worried as I don’t want her to be affected. Also the last incident my mum said something negative about her , and it cuts me up to think that I allowed my child to be around someone who would do that to her. It’s really been worrying me. I’m not sure if my daughter heard it though. But I’ll be damned if I’m ever taking the risk of that happening again.

Thank you mrs bird. Actually needed to hear that right now as Im feeling rubbishy mum

OP posts:
Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 05/01/2019 22:44

I've been a single mum for over 20 years OP, I have one question, is this friend a new friend to her? My boys who were 3 and 6months when their Dad left, he's never been involved with them since, they would both get very distressed by new ppl, regardless of gender coming into or leaving our house. Is one of the many reasons I've never had another relationship and never introduced any dates. I think it stemmed from insecurity and early experiences of change courtesy of their fuckwit dad.

VanGoghsDog · 05/01/2019 22:46

Be thankful you get any break full stop. Plenty of single parents don't.

Oh, I do love a race to the bottom and to be thankful that a father looks after his own child now and then.

Of course the OP can have her friend round when her daughter is there, what sort of child needs to be brought up in isolation? Apart from anything else her friend might like to see her child.

Yes, the child was badly behaved, but sometimes children are, that's life. OP does sound as if she needs to be a little bit firmer with her though and not pander to her wishes. One of them needs to be the grown up.

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:46

We want justice - not going to lie I was pretty shocked to hear that opinion. Each to their own but one thing I am confident in is that I spend lots of quality time with my daughter, even more so as it’s just us. It’s something I love and enjoy but I want her to know that I am also allowed friends round as is she!

OP posts:
Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 05/01/2019 22:48

Posted too quickly, we would meet new people in the park or at their houses rather than ours, until they were familiar to my eldest, especially. Not saying your daughter's behaviour is correct, or that their should not be consequences, or that you should as I did, just that it could explain her unusual behaviour and make you feel less rubbish about it.