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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

HOnest advice please

52 replies

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 21:52

I am a single mother to a 7 year old, who I am so proud of and to be honest I’m quite lucky with as she is a bit cheeky but well behaved. Anyway we do spend lot of time together just us and today my friend Came round for dinner. My daughter see’s weekend nights as our nights (she stays with her dad every other Saturday) and expressed she wasn’t impressed. My daughter was showing off and being a bit cheeky and had Told me she does not love me anymore. I told her I felt sad about that . A bit later she asked for more sweets and I said no, she then again told me she didn’t love me. She became very cheeky and wouldn’t share her popcorn with my guest and then threw it. SO I told her she needs to go and think about her behavior in her room. Then the trouble started she started being really rude, i couldn’t even talk to my friend. She kept coming in saying she didn’t want to be there. I told her if she was to come in she’s should stop crying Ans be nice or she goes back to her room. By then she became stubborn and said no. So I said enough, brush your teeth and go to bed bed. She then started screaming really loud and hysterically saying she didn’t love me and I wasn’t her mum anymore, she wasn’t going goinh bed. She pushed me. I then told her if she didn’t get to bed I would be removing her iPad for good , I told her I was really disappointed in this behaviors. She asked for a cuddle which I did and she asked to stay up I said no, she then started all over again. After half an hour she sat wailing in bed. I was so embarrassed about this it was awful!

Now I’m worried I have a damaged child.
I’m more worried as I have recently had to stop seeing my mum because she was screaming and shouting in front of my daughter whenever I said no to her, and on one occasion told my child I was a bully. My daughter is close to her but my mum kept on doing this behavior and after the third occasion I finally learnt it’s not going to get any better and I have such bad anxiety about the effect it could have on my child.
I have tried speaking with my mum but she says that it’s not that bad and minimizes it, she can’t think or see how it effects her so there’s no chance of it getting better.

Could the 2 be related? What do I do about it to help her? I have since gone in and spoken with her that things should never get to that level where people call someone names say they don’t love someone and that In our little family that is unacceptable.

I already feel like Iv failed my child as I kept allowing my mum back into our lives and she kept doing the same thing 3 times. It’s been really hard to keep away as ultimately I want my daughter to have a family but I had to weigh up what is worse not having my mum involved or having someone scream obscenities at me in front of my child. I’m feeling really useless right now and like I have failed as a mum. She is in bed crying now and I hate her feeling so sad and angry like this 😢 Has anyone had anything like this?

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HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:50

My friend has known my daughter since she was born and my daughter refers to them as aunty! So def we’ll known to her.

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Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 05/01/2019 22:55

Oh, then I can only think of it as a post Christmas rush of blood on her part?! I know it's embarrassing at the time, but no one will judge you. Most adults know kids are weird little buggers! Have a Brew and a Biscuit and don't beat yourself up anymore

Dragongirl10 · 05/01/2019 22:55

Of course you should have friends around op!

Next time tell her in advance BUT also tell her how she is to behave and exactly what time she will be going to bed, and the consequences for ignoring/arguing/bad behavior.

Reiterate just before friend arrives.

As soon as she starts to behave at all badly, remind her of consequence and say this is your only warning...follow through if she doesn't listen...don't feel guilty.

I used to do this with mine before visiting friends, going into a party or restaurant (every time) from the age of around 2 and a half......usually in the car outside, consequently they mostly behaved really well as they knew what was expected.

Only once did l have to enforce a consequence, ie leave a party as they behaved really badly, they were so shocked they never did it again.
The up side is people loved having them as they were polite and well behaved, also l could enjoy going out to a restaurant without worrying how they would behave...
I think you sound like a great mum.

Missingstreetlife · 05/01/2019 22:56

Perfectly reasonable to have a friend round.
Hope you took the iPad away as promised and she has to earn it back with good behaviour. Sounds like she feels a bit insecure, firm boundaries are your friend, don't let her rule you.
You are doing ok, dealt with it well, talk to her when she is calm and tell her what you expect. Praise good behaviour and check if any problems with dad or at school,

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 22:58

I have like 3-4 friends that come to our house and my daughter knows them all well as they are life long friends!

Lol I am def the grown up in the situation. But yes the guilt of what’s happened with gran is eating away at me and probably has made me a bit softer and unsure

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trojanpony · 05/01/2019 23:04

There is no way you shouldn't have friends over on a weekend you have your dd, suggestions otherwise are just NUTS!
this

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2019 23:09

Totally agree with WeWantJustice "... you've done nothing wrong and people pretending that you are not allowed to have friends round are barkng."

My son is adopted and the other day we got into a row and he shouted at me "I hate you and I wish you had never adopted me."

Guess what, he doesn't really hate me and he is happy and a well adjusted boy. I just go in the way of his computer time. He shouted, I shouted. I lost my cool totally.

I apologized for shouting. We went on a visit to the shops and I got hi a bar of chocolate to say how sorry I was for loosing my cool (don't usually agree with this kind of thing but I did that the other day). I explained to him what him what can happen when people get angry (me, him etc).

All is now forgotten.

These things happen.

Your dd will have to share you at times.

Plus don't threaten anything, IMHO, you cannot follow through with. A week is a long time and forever is well, a lot longer. Waiting for even half an hour to use a favourite devide or watch something on TV could actually be just as effective, IMHO, as a bigger punishment.

If the child says I don't love you, and you know it is not true, just say that is a bit hurtful but carry on as normal. It's said in the heat of the moment and it doesn't mean that , I think it means, I am angry and I want to hurt you.

Which she has done.

But it doesn't mean you are a bad mum. You sound like a good mum with a regular kid who lost it. Thanks

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/01/2019 23:09

She's probably a little unsettled because of the problems with your mum, and all of my younger ones are a screaming nightmare at this time of year (after Christmas but before school starts again) so it's possible that had an effect too. It might be a good idea to keep everything as calm and predictable as you can for a few weeks, but there is definitely no lasting harm done and you did everything right.

You'll be fine, honestly.

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:12

I am happy my girl has a great father and his family are too! But I don’t see it as a break as I don’t need one.

Tha great advice I will def be prepping in future! I do struggle with putting in strong boundaries which is something I’m working on especially as she gets older

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HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:15

Thank you. It really is nice to hear I’m not the only one x

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AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/01/2019 23:17

It sounds like a different situation for her and she struggled a bit with it. She won't be damaged. She had a tantrum and you dealt with it fine. Of course youre allowed friends round when she's there - I think the posters that are saying you shouldn't are wrong ad she would think you had no friends or didn't see people other than her which isnt healthy.

I find kids understand being fair and taking turns so I'd maybe explain it that you take turns to invite guests round. Try involving her in planning and do shorter visit next time and build up to longer (eg bake a cake and invite one of your friends round for coffee and let your daughter be in charge of serving it so she feels more in control?)

Dragongirl10 · 05/01/2019 23:19

Op l have 2, 16 months apart, and a DH who works away frequently, so good firm boundaries have been essential for my sanity!
With hindsight l think kids generally feel more secure when they know what is going to happen, and when you say something you mean it.

Mum guilt needs to be firmly kicked out the door, there will be times you doubt yourself and you have no back up, BUT in those moments take a breath and think, am l reacting emotionally or do l need to take a stand here.

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:22

Amirightoramereingue - that’s a great idea she loves baking and like you say would give her a special role
Which she loves. Keep rerunning the night in my head and can see how it built up from her side as I was saying in a minute. From her point of view she prob was acting up to try and get involved!

I agree about that iPad a week is long. I think I might give her an opportunity to earn an hour a day, so it’s not completely unachievable! Jeez why don’t they come with a handbook!

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HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:25

Dragon girl - I have actually screen shot this as a reminder ‘Mum guilt needs to be firmly kicked out the door, there will be times you doubt yourself and you have no back up, BUT in those moments take a breath and think, am l reacting emotionally or do l need to take a stand here’

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KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse · 05/01/2019 23:25

I'm also a lone parent to one dd. It's a very intense relationship and at that age my dd would get jealous of me not giving her my full attention at all times.

No real advise other than one tantrum is nothing to worry about. You handled it fine.

It's quite a balancing act being their main playmate, having her as your companion, and still being mum and maintaining a parental role. You are in charge and it's your house. She needs to understand that or you will store up trouble for the future. Good luck Flowers

EugenesAxe · 05/01/2019 23:28

I think you did fine and agree she’s looking for reassurance and boundaries. I expect your break with your DH and DM will have introduced insecurities in your DD; anger is a common reaction to stress or worry. Maybe just check nothing else is bothering her. Often when my children blow up (and they also use this language) and I say “Is anything troubling you?” I get an unravelling of some issue at school or with friendships, then we can work through all of it.

Dragongirl10 · 05/01/2019 23:32

Glad that resonated op, l wish someone had told me that,12 years ago when no 2 arrived unplanned, ....its taken me a loooong time to work it out, but we do waste much to much emotional energy doubting ourselves.
Unsurprisingly men don't do that....we could do with taking a leaf out of their book...no guilt!!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 05/01/2019 23:36

Bless you op I remember my niece having this exact tantrum at 6 because there were adults at the house and she felt left out.

She's not damaged it was a tantrum. I would invite your friend day over again regularly and make it clear that though you will make it nice for dd and she can join in that her behaviour wasn't ok and that you will have a social life. She will adjust and she will enjoy it x

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:40

Kick bishop - you summed it up so well, it is SO intense. My daughter isn’t forthright, confident and out spoken, all wonderful qualities but sometimes misused!

Eugene’s - that’s a good line I will add that to my list of lines lol.

She is actually

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BedraggledBlitz · 05/01/2019 23:43

My lovely 4 year old can occasionally be a total raging monster. Often it happens when I have friends over, usually at the point he is told it is bedtime. Totally normal tantrum that makes you feel crap, especially when observed by an "outsider".

He has had more than usual over xmas due to routine slipping.

Tomorrow is a new day, please don't stress about it x

HarryKitten · 05/01/2019 23:47

Queen of the driven snow - you have no idea how happy it makes me to know your neice had a similar tantrum!
Hopefully my friend will
Visit again 😂

Post above should read is not isn’t!

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Queenofthedrivensnow · 05/01/2019 23:54

@HarryKitten oh yay! For context it was over a Chinese takeaway my sister and I were having (the cheek!!!) which she heard us ordering after she had been out to bed. It involved full in screeching, throwing things around the room and the of course claiming no one loves her and blah. It took an hour to calm her down. I have never seen a tantrum like it across all our kids. She wins the prize but was an only at the time and my sister was a lone latent with her from birth.

She was a lovely little thing the rest of the time when she was little. She's 18 now, doing a levels and working part time and driving her own car she pays for. She has a lovely bf and is very much a well adjusted very moral young lady we are all really proud of.

We might rib her from time to time about the tantrum though Wink

HildaZelda · 05/01/2019 23:59

OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Of course you're entitled to have your friend's round when you want. You're the grown up and it's your house.
I can believe people are telling you that YABU. I'm wondering if those people always allow a 7 year old to rule the roost.

HarryKitten · 06/01/2019 00:04

That makes me feel even better lol! Reading my original post I must seem so dramatic lol! But I was in such shock!
So glad to hear that, not damaged at all then! I think it’s more my worrying that’s the problem, not her little Incident!
Think some of them are just sensitive, and on the bright side at least I know she can speak up for herself 🙈

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HarryKitten · 06/01/2019 00:07

Hildazelda - I’m really glad to see more people are shocked at that opinion that not. I think it’s healthy for a friend to come over and actually it’s made me now see I don’t do it enough so I will be ensuring I am a bit more sociable and invite friends over more but using some of the advice given I will be baking with her or getting her to help with dinner so it’s imvolving her more.
Are you a Sabrina fan lol

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