To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

Believe me, I certainly have no jealousy of people having big weddings. I find them a boring chance to 'show off' quite frankly.
People should have better priorities IMO

And I must admit OP, I saw a thread on here yesterday where the OP had said they wouldn't want to spend a lot on a wedding even if they had the money and you replied with

Gosh, id never want a cheap function room wedding, even if I did only have £5000

And implied it was the same, which it isn't and suggested they had said they'd rather lick a mouldy toilet seat which again, they hadn't. So you are really being no better yourself.

It's not jealousy at all. Enjoyment of a wedding does not directly correlate with the £ spent per head. Huge weddings are generally about showing off, because the vast majority of your guests never care about 'the experience'.

What about people who’s parents pay for the wedding and can easily afford it but weren’t going to hand over the cash as an alternative anyway.

This was us. We were never going to be given the money for any other use and it was important to my parents to pay for most of it. My FIL paid about £10k and we paid for our honeymoon.

I didn’t expect anything less than a sit down venue wedding with a band, cars and really good food plus a free bar and evening guests unheard of.

I was mid 20’s and had never been to a wedding which was any different. My dad frequently told me to remember that we were only having a small wedding on a fairly small budget. We had 130 guests in a central London venue and I can’t imagine that there was much change from £30k nearly 20 years ago.

Indeed my wedding was probably one of the smallest of all my friends who mainly had £100k weddings in places like Claridges paid for by parents.

At that time taking control of my own wedding was unthinkable, it was my mum who did most of the planning.

Luckily we are still married today as are most of our friends. Certainly by the time some second weddings have come about, they’re a lot more low key!

The point being that not all weddings are to show off, in some circles a large wedding, with parents paying and being heavily involved and throwing lots of money at it is very normal and always has been.

I’m very pleased with the way our lovely wedding is shaping up!
And? Most people getting married are pleased in their own way. There seem to be an assumption from those opting for a big expensive wedding that money buy you better. It doesn't always. The 'poshest' wedding I went too turned out to be much cheaper than the not so grand wedding of their sibling. Appearances can be very dismissive. The first one had the most beautiful bouquet. It turns out it was made out of Tesco Finest bouquets and garden flowers. Their sibling went for a bouquet ordered from a posh florist, cost 10 times more and frankly didn't look as nice.

A wedding should be about what makes the bride and groom happy but too often it is more about trying to impress guests, hoping it will talked about years later how it was the most spectacular wedding they've even been too. Ultimately, totally agree that it is about individual choice of spending, but don't assume others will think your wedding was their best experience erience because you spent more.

Life is so short, going into debts for a wedding is ridiculous, but if you have the money, what's wrong in spending it for a one-off day. Why are some people so miserable all the time, you are not going to need your cash once you are dead - don't bankrupt yourself by all means, but live a little!

What I don't understand is why some people feel the need to buy a gift priced according to the venue
I spend more on family members and possibly a lovely couple with a very diy wedding because they have no money, but why should I spend more (or less) if you chose a pub or the Plaza?

Why do guests spend so much money on their outfits? Men I can understand if they don't own a suit, but women? you don't need a new dress, and you can find cheap garments in low-cost shops or second hand.
I have never bought an outfit to any of my kids for a wedding either, they have perfectly good clothes, they would look ridiculous in a mini-suit with fake bow tie!

I only judge an 'expensive' wedding if it has a paying bar! Paying tens of thousands for a fancy venue and then expecting your guests to pay for their drinks is misplaced priorities to me.

"I think money spent on a wedding could well be used for a house deposit "

That's obviously a more sensible way of spending the money, but I think some parents probably still follow the tradition of at least helping to pay for a wedding, which they might not do for a deposit. Wrong way around maybe, but I think the tradition is probably still there as much as most people like to say they paid for it all themselves.

@MutantDisco Are you always so sneery? I'd guess that you're exactly the type of person that the OP was referring to.

@eco1636 It has meant more expensive in my experience. I went to a big and expensive wedding in the countryside but couldn't afford to stay at the very expensive hotel, couldn't afford £30 for the cheapest bottle of wine (10 years ago) and it cost me about 100 quid in taxis and train fare and I was only an evening guest.

could not agree more flooredbored
host the guests you can afford, or reduce your numbers! No one cares about your flowers let's face it.

I detest weddings. I only attended my own (costing £13.50 for a licence at the registrar’s) with great reluctance, as we needed the tax rebate!
Quite apart from disliking any ostentatious display of wealth, my beef is with the wedding industry, which encourages couples with very limited finances to get into massive debt for overpriced nonsensical “must have” items like dresses, flowers, photography and venues.
Some poor couples are struggling to repay these debts for years, and all because they see other people’s splashy weddings and think it’s the expected thing and they have to try and do the same.
I’m also, as a feminist, uncomfortable with the whole traditional wedding premise of a father walking his DD down the aisle and “giving her away” like property or cattle, to the ownership of another man.
And yes, I know they no longer promise to obey the DH, but that whole vibe still lingers like a bad smell. The bride is judged purely on looks and dress, and rarely even gets to make a speech at the reception, having to sit silent and demure while the chaps speak across her. Yuk. Definitely not my cup of tea.

oh, just remember my last pet hate with weddings: evening guests!

Not being good enough for the day celebration, but wanted to make up numbers in the evening. What a ridiculous concept.

Whatever the budget, as long as the B&G are happy, then so what?

I really don't care how much or little is spent on a wedding and in my time I've been to all sorts. One that I know of (in a wider circle of distant acquaintances, and which I didn't go to) had a budget of £££££ and was in 'Hello' magazine. But then they could easily afford it.

On the other hand, if you aren't particularly well off, It does seem daft to spend a huge sum on what is essentially one day of your life, and then spend years of your marriage having to cut back on other things.

I guess for me expensive weddings seem so self indulgent. I just can’t believe anyone, except maybe grandparents and parents, actually care you are getting married! It’s just a free party and most guests would enjoy it as long as the food and booze are good, your dress costing 10k doesn’t improve the party.

It is snobbery and I have been to lovely big weddings and lovely small weddings. As long as there's something to eat I really don't care!!

It has nothing to do with jealousy. I think every couple should be able to do whatever they want. I just personally wouldn't spend bonkers amounts on a wedding even if I was the richest woman in the world. I think it is an insane amount to spend on one day for other people to enjoy themselves. But totally upto each couple.

@mangoo

🤔 That poster had made NUMEROUS derogatory and unprovoked comments about ‘large’ weddings in an attempt to justify her taking a £5k loan to fund her own!

What I said was

‘imagine if I said
gosh I’d never wasn’t a cheap 1k function room wedding- see it’s not nice is it?’

Was totally fair!

Ok- personal opinion I wouldn’t want to get married in a crap function room/tacky pub and would be slightly embarrassed - just as I wouldn’t want to live in a bad area or drive a falling apart car!

But I don’t think there’s ANYTHING wrong with those who do and I’m sure cheap weddings are perfectly nice!

But why is it ok for 100 commenters to slag off, belittle and call names- about bigger weddings? Nobody is trashing their cheap weddings 🤔

It’s fine to say ‘I personally wouldn’t’ but that’s not what 99% of comentors we’re doing- it was just nasty!

I don't actually think it matters if you have a lavish wedding or a more economic one , the day itself is about two people who are in love ,making a commitment to each other in front of their family and friends.
OP be joyful that you have found a soul mate ,stop getting annoyed about what people think e.g big/little wedding and enjoy the rest of your lives together.

You're doing exactly what you claim to hate so much... It's very hypocritical.

I agree, no one should make nasty comments about your big wedding but then following that with

personal opinion I wouldn’t want to get married in a crap function room/tacky pub and would be slightly embarrassed - just as I wouldn’t want to live in a bad area or drive a falling apart car

Makes you as bad as the ones you're complaining about to me so no time for that.

If you're going to complain about someone doing something you dislike, at least make an effort to not do the exact same.

So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!
Or
C they don't understand people spending huge amounts of money to have their co-workers and friends of their parents and acquaintances from zumba etc at a wedding. Large families aside, most people don't have 300+ close friends and family.
Or
D They think that the pressure to have a big day is propped up by wedding advertising and it's all aimed at giving you the 'princess for a day' experience and they think the whole narrative is silly.
Or
E They imagine they have a cheque for £25,000 & they view that amount of money as a house deposit rather than a party and so find the concept of spending that much on a big party to be ridiculous to them
Or
F They believe that the culture of big perfect weddings often leads to people getting into debt and using credit cards etc to fund It, but then the impression is 'everyone else is having big weddings'. Given that money is one of the major factors in many divorces, maybe they want to start marriage withour worrying about money

G They make a distinction between a traditional wedding service and reception and the sort of blingy big event weddings. Traditional weddings were the service and the sacrament of marriage followed by a meal for your guests. Maybe they don't understand the showy 'ceremony dress plus reception dress / bride cake and groom cake / favours at a fiver each / table gems and releasing birds etc'

It's not about a race to the bottom.

In my experience people who spend lots of money on things like the narrative of 'anyone who disagrees must be jealous of me' because it allows them to confirm the status they've given themselves. In reality people have lots of different priorities.

People are cruel about practically everything, weddings aren't particularly special for that, and we all tend to notice the negative comments far more than the nice ones. Just one of the weird ways the human mind works.

As one of those people who eloped for less than £250 way back in the day (and our three guests all lived in our city and we made it as cheap we could for them), my spouse and I have both gotten our fair share of rude comments. There were a lot of assumptions - some people outright asking if I was pregnant or having immigration problems (no on both, though a lot of our money had gone on immigration fees) and acting those were the only reasons they could think for us to do things when we did, as we did. I had some people assume that I was just after a British passport, that I would have had a "proper party" if I actually cared about my spouse (I've only just started working towards citizenship over 15 years later in part due to this) as if how much I spent proved anything. My FIL was the only one to ever apologize for those rude comments, and he hadn't even said his to our faces.

Hell, when we had the big do with family and friends ten years later in a pub, there were rude comments about not needing to doing it cheap the second time around and on my wearing the same dress.

The only big weddings I've ever been to were ones as a teen. Some were lovely and involved a lot of people working together and most of those lasted, some were obviously just displays and usually didn't which I think is part of why the myth of big weddings leading to divorce persists.

I had what some people might think is a biggish wedding (it probably cost around £25k - £30k 10 years ago. I think the florist still has pictures of some of the flowers on their website now even after all this time. I wanted a small do at a nice boutique hotel but that idea was immediately batted down by both sets of parents who didn’t want to upset various people who might have been offended by not receiving an invite. It was a lovely day and for once in my life I actually felt like I looked nice (I had a nice dress and spent money on hair and make up). Yes I paid for some of it using two 0% interest credit cards but it was all paid off within a year. Yes the money would have been better spent on paying the mortgage down / being put into savings. We spent around £800 on a cake and I had two small slivers of it . My mum and dad were very generous and put a lot of money towards it but I suspect (and I feel slightly bad saying this) it was partly for ‘show’ to other relatives. It’s ok to spend money on the things that are important to you but in hindsight there were some people there who I barely knew who I hardly ever see and some who just went along to have a ‘piss up’. I didn’t expect gifts but I think it’s rude to turn up to a wedding without a card. I wish I had saved the money on their food (and drinks) and had a smaller do with people there that really mattered to me.

I've been to dozens of weddings. To be honest, they mostly blur into one another. Two do stand out. One was a very basic one - church service followed by marquee on farmer friend's land. The ceremony was lovely and there was a simple but nice buffet but they hadn't provided any furniture for the marquee. Some relatives had brought folding chairs etc for themselves but nobody had told us so we had to sit on the floor. I do think they should have spent a bit extra on providing seating.

The other one was the wedding of my very highly-paid friend. It was in a lavish venue and cost nearly £100,000! The setting was beautiful and they kindly laid on transport back to hotels which I thought was very considerate but I honestly couldn't otherwise see that the extra amount of money had made much of a difference. The food was unexceptional and there was the same sort of entertainment as any other wedding.

I don't think there's any point in spending so much money unless you are seriously wealthy when there are so many other lasting things you can spend your money on. It would be insane to get yourself into debt over one day.

Ok- personal opinion I wouldn’t want to get married in a crap function room/tacky pub and would be slightly embarrassed - just as I wouldn’t want to live in a bad area or drive a falling apart car!

But I don’t think there’s ANYTHING wrong with those who do and I’m sure cheap weddings are perfectly nice!

You do see that those two paragraphs don't go together, OP? It's fine for other people, but you personally would be embarrassed
You claim everybody else is mean and 'small-minded', but there's only one poster who accompanies half of what they say about others with sneery emojis.

I think my cynicism about big weddings stems mainly from the feeling that I don't know what half of them are celebrating. Couples who have been together 5-10 years, have their own property and possibly children, what are they actually saying? Again, their do, their reasons but as someone who has been happily unmarried for 34 years I can't see the point. Yes, get married for legal reasons and have a party but a castle wedding costing kkkk? Takes all sorts I guess.