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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NYE party

53 replies

Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 21:52

DP hates a male friend of mine, he feels this guy let’s say Bob belittle him, saying bob will see me whenever he wants too, DP gave me ultimatum and I chose DP thinking it was silly, DP was jealous, and obviously insecure I was going to cheat on him with Bob!

This Bob is part of my closest friendship group, I couldn’t go to NYE party as DP was so stressed his OCD/anxiety was through roof, he couldn’t work he lost easily 75% of earnings - self employed!

Bob I knew through group - wasn’t closest but saw him in group events once every other month, but at start of relationship with DP, I saw bob more than DP and DP felt he was acting more my DP at the time!

I left DP house and went to see bob, i didn’t text and tell DP I was going home earlier as didn’t want to wait for DP to finish work! So DP freaked out and thought I did something stupid and then found out I was with bob, DP lost temper, DP was concerned for my MH, so was concerned with Bob I did drink A lot,
And I never felt Bob was coming on to me, DP always feel like if I with Bob I be cheating on him or laughing at DP!

Bob had backed off and he is civil anytime he seen DP.

NYE PARTY Bob was going to be there like my closet friend group!
DP - felt as it was NYE it was special didn’t want me anywhere near bob as it would ruin DP NY.
DP a taxi driver, so he would be working, but if I was at party, he be freaking out and wouldn’t earn much!

So WIBU to offer DP his NYE wage to spend NYE with DP?

Or WPBU to expect me not to hang out with bob due to DP paranoia of me cheating on DP with Bob

OP posts:
Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:04

I offered the money thinking he would refuse and go to work! I wasn’t even expecting money back!

I should of just gone to party for few hours and got home for midnight

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 04/01/2019 23:05

I should of just gone to party for few hours and got home for midnight

What you should have done is whatever the hell you wanted to, because it's your life and your DP doesn't get to tell you who to be.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 23:06

You should just have done whatever you wanted to and ignored him.

ineedtocalm · 04/01/2019 23:06

Is DP your husband? Boyfriend? Long time partner? Sounds like this is distressing for you more than him.

I have anxiety about my DH getting with someone else - but I have diagnosed GAD and severe anxiety. Worries about cheating come from arsehole previous relationship.
I know 100% that even though I get anxiety my husband wouldn’t actually do anything and I certainly wouldn’t stop him going out for my benefit as that’s completely wrong.
My husband is aware of my anxieties and we deal with it accordingly. He knows and I know what makes me feel better when anxiety flares and that is how our relationship works well. Just because my anxiety tells me one thing doesn’t mean I would ‘lose it’ with him.

You need to have a serious chat with your partner about this and if he really is getting severe anxiety he needs to see someone.

On the other hand - if he is making such a massive thing out of it, and I hate to say it.. is he projecting something he is doing himself onto you?

OyOy · 04/01/2019 23:07

Your posting style seems familiar..., do you know any fatigued crustaceans or super speedy vulpes?

Anyway, as I understand it, you paid your DP to spend NYE with you because the thought of you going to a group bash where "Bob" would be present triggered his OCD and Anxiety.

Yeah, that's fucked up.

ineedtocalm · 04/01/2019 23:09

... im aware that me saying this makes me sound shitty for admitting to worrying about DH getting with someone else and like I don’t trust him. But mental health does strange things to people and I know for sure that normal me actually I don’t have concerns for this. I know that he loves me and wouldn’t hurt me like that

Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:12

@Oyoy what on earth is a fatigued crustaceans 🦞

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 04/01/2019 23:23

How long have you been with him and has he always had anxiety?

On the face of it, I'd say that you should have gone to the party and he needs to get into his head that if you wanted Bob, you'd be with him.

This will wear you down, eventually.

Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:25

13 months! And it came to a head last April!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2019 23:26

So when you’d only been together a few months...

CheekyNandosForMe · 04/01/2019 23:29

I don't think your DP is a very nice man. I use the term man lightly.

No one should stop you from seeing your friends. You're not even into Bob.

I'd leave the bastard. But it's up to you.

Birdsgottafly · 04/01/2019 23:29

What do you mean, came to a head?

You probably should have ended by now, unless he gets real help.

Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:30

I decided in April - I would stop seeing bob 1-2-1 and DP did settle down even he had counselling! And I been out with group many times and Bob was there and we were civil. DP was working! No issues!
So it all due to it being NYE

OP posts:
Patroclus · 04/01/2019 23:33

I made a decision once everybody started going on about their (undiagnosed) 'anxiety'. If they arnt willing to go to the dr, they dont get to use it as an excuse

Birdsgottafly · 04/01/2019 23:36

So he decided quite quickly that you wasn't allowed Male Friends?

I've done that in the past and it's always been a mistake. I should have ditched the boyfriend.

I'd just worry that once Bob is out of the equation, hell come up with something else, as controlling people always do.

Carrotss · 04/01/2019 23:39

This relationship sounds like it's way more effort than it's worth, OP. Get rid and move on.

supersop60 · 04/01/2019 23:45

I'd like to bet if a woman had come on here saying her DP was getting rather friendly with another woman and seeing her 1-2-1, everyone would have plenty to say about it.
This is how my Dp's emotional affair started.
I don't have OCD or anxiety, but Dp's secretiveness and lying drove me crazy.
Just putting the other side.

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/01/2019 23:51

Dump OP and shag Bob

Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:51

@supersop60. I agree!
I’m april I was seeing bob but lied saying I was with someone else! It was just friends drinks!

Me and bob - used to text a lot when I was with DP just friendly maybe it was too much!

After birthday meal in November DP working Saturday night so couldn’t come, and bob requested me on FB I accepted but for some reason blocked DP??? So just made DP think more of him being a snake!

I’m trying to see if from both sides here!

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 04/01/2019 23:51

Dump oh and shag bob. Obviously.
I blame the Bakewell tart gin with ginger beer

MrsTerryPratcett · 04/01/2019 23:52

Nice try but no. Preexisting female friend, DP stopped seeing her 121 then the working DP says he can't see her NYE in a group?

Would be told to stop being paranoid.

Original poster
Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 23:54

Spot on NYE party was in a group it wasn’t 1-2-1

DP was invited to party so no conspiracy theory!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 04/01/2019 23:54

Oh for goodness sake. You shouldn't lie to your partner but you should't need to.

Hugely dysfunctional relationship and you should be asking yourself why you are in it.

He got what he wanted, now he wants more control. Nope.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/01/2019 00:04

Anxiety my arse, your DP is a bullying, controlling prick. Get rid of him before you find yourself not allowed to leave the house, your phone/laptop monitored, your clothing choices supervised, etc.

TatianaLarina · 05/01/2019 00:05

Surely you can do better than either of these twits?

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