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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about wedding with divorced parents

47 replies

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 17:45

My parents divorced around 8/9 years ago. It was a horrible, horrible split, there were multiple affairs on my mother's part and my dad was left completely humiliated and heartbroken. I could cry still thinking about him back then.

Me and my mum went through a rocky stage at first as I was very angry at the way she treated my father and as I was in my teens at the time I didn't really understand what was going on. However, after some help we managed to regain our relationship (which my Dad has never discouraged by the way).

Fast forward to now... I am getting married and I am so nervous at having them both in the same room / close vicinity of each other that it's putting a dampner on my excitement for the day.

They have never spoken since they divorced as I was old enough for them not to need to other than one time very recently where they bumped into each other whilst out and were.. let's just say not very nice to each other (going on 8 years later!).

I don't even know what my AIBU is! Has anyone else had very non- amicable divorced parents at their wedding and how did it go?!

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Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2019 17:55

Personally, if I were in your position, I wouldn't have a traditional wedding. I would get married privately at a registrars office and then have separate, small celebrations with friends and family afterwards. The crushing stress of dealing with your parents on the day just isn't worth it.

Bluelady · 04/01/2019 18:00

Surely they can coexist in the same space for their daughter's wedding. It's not a big ask. If I were you I'd talk to each of them about your concerns, hopefully they'll behave like grown ups and allow you to have a wonderful day.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:01

Aquamarine1029 I see what you mean but then both me and DP want our family and friends there and so part of me feels like why should I sacrifice that because my parents can't get along. Maybe that sounds selfish but I worry that if I didn't have the wedding I wanted purely because I was concerned about them, I would end up regretting it.

I know people get silly about wedding traditions and we aren't having a big show or anything but I want to he walked down the aisle by my father etc...

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BusyMum47 · 04/01/2019 18:02

Yep! I told mine they had to suck it up & either ignore each other or be civil for the day, for my sake, or we'd bugger off abroad & get married on our own, with neither of them there! I went as far as telling them about the places we were considering & details of the various packages etc!

They agreed to be civil & it all went off ok but we had a very laid back wedding so they were able to ignore each other! We had no speeches or walking down the aisle etc - civil ceremony, hired part of a hotel & gardens for the whole day/night, buffet style meals throughout, open bar, one long party (no separate wedding/evening 'do'), relaxed seating plans & most people stayed over. It was awesome!!

Good luck!! X

Moanranger · 04/01/2019 18:07

My ex and I are also not on speaking terms, but if my daughter got married we would probably attend but avoid each other. I suggest you discuss it frankly with them. Ensure they are sitting far apart at all times ( church, table at reception after) Don’t make them be anywhere near each other. You can arrange photos with each parent separately.
Then if they end up face to face, however that pans out, you did your best to prevent it.
Seems to be that weddings are a giant management situation for brides anyway, so just one other thing to manage.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2019 18:10

Surely they can coexist in the same space for their daughter's wedding. It's not a big ask.

I used to be a photographer and worked over 500 weddings during my career. I could write for hours about the unbelievable behaviour I witnessed amongst estranged/divorced family members. Truly shocking, horrifying behaviour that ruined the day. You would think 2 adults should be able to behave themselves for a few hours, but this simply isn't always the case.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:11

I definitely think I'll have to speak to them both prior and tell them my worries. I would hope that they care more about me than carrying on their fued for one day.

Another worry... my mum remarried a few years later and I get on with her husband very very well and he's helped out me and DP a lot with various things. I really would like him to be there and I would feel absolutely terrible not inviting him but I can't stop stressing about how my Dad will feel if I do. (He was not the OM and my Dad knows of his existence!).

I feel like this has turned into me trying to manage everyone's feelings rather than being about me and DP!

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BruceAndNosh · 04/01/2019 18:11

Yes, prev warn them about what behaviour you expect.
Ignoring each other is ok rather than expecting them to interact politely.
You need a designated guest or family member to keep an eye on them and intervene if required.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:16

Oh no, I 100% don't expect them to interact. Ideally I want them to ignore ignore ignore. Fortunately neither of them are big drinkers so I think if they can get over the first part of the day, I shouldn't have to worry about them having too much to drink later on!

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missymayhemsmum · 04/01/2019 18:23

Talk to them both individually. Tell them of your fears. It's not just the wedding is it, it's not fair to their future grandchildren if they can't be civil to each other. Ideally, invite them both and their partners and your fiance for a meal to discuss wedding arrangements. If they can't do that in a civilised fashion then you may need, sadly, to rethink the arrangements.
If it's to be a church wedding, then your minister may be able to help?

chuffnstuff · 04/01/2019 18:25

Also consider not having a traditional top table at the reception. Maybe just the two of you and other spread out as needed.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 04/01/2019 18:25

Friend A's parents were divorced and remarried (not to each other!) and her DH's parents were also divorced. FIL had run off with married MIL's best friend (and possibly next door neighbour - it had been horrible) and MIL was single. Her parents and his dad got a talking to about behaving, MIL was invited to bring a fabulous gentleman friend and they all 8 parents sat on the top table in the knowledge that if anyone started anything bride and groom would have them out of the room and never speak to them again.

Friend B's parents divorce was more recent. Her DH had married OW. They got married with just friends there and then had a huge meal with no top table. Her father did a speech which referred to his DD's mother - he did it very nicely, I thought - no one would have guessed they were even divorced from the speech. There was no drama at all until her DM went round to each table to slag off her ex and OW to each individual guest.

Friend C married her step brother - well, he was legally later when her FIL finally married her DM, they'd been family friends before a long term affair, then were living together when C got married. Somehow her MIL managed to attend and not kill either FIL or DM. Everyone knew the deal and kept them apart - I think they chose a venue with two rooms, didn't have a top table, or any of the traditional stuff.

So it can be done but you are going to have to be really clear and have people willing to jump in and stop any potential issues before they kick off.

Rainagain1 · 04/01/2019 18:26

We had issues like this as our wedding with in laws. MiL had remarried and wanted new husband on top table. Didn't happen!
Best idea we found is for parents to be at a table each near front but apart. Both sets of in laws were just told to behave and mostly they kept well apart and it was all fine.
If you want to invite new step father then you should.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:29

I don't mind having no top table, think that's the best plan really! Church isn't a problem as it's big enough for then to be well apart.

To be honest, I do feel for my Dad but I think I need to make it clear I will not be impressed with either of them if they can't put it to the side for one day for me.

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CripsSandwiches · 04/01/2019 18:33

I would make it very clear to them that they're not to approach each other and of thrown together must be polite.

Obviously wouldn't seat them at the same table etc but do what you want to do and let them act like adults.

Iloveacurry · 04/01/2019 18:33

You need to talk to them individually and ask them to behave. They don’t need to interact or sit near each other. It’s your wedding after all. Say if anything happens on the day, they will be asked to leave.

Moanranger · 04/01/2019 18:37

Missymayhem suggestion to have them both for a meal together? (Her Post is a little unclear). For the love of God, no! Discuss with each separately.
I agree enlist a minder (or 4!) is a good idea. Step-father shouldn’t be a problem as long as they are well apart.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 04/01/2019 18:38

Remember you are asking a lot more of your DF than you are your DM. He might struggle to put the hurt and humiliation behind him. Asking someone to do this for the benefit of your big day is easier said than done, so don’t be too hard on him if he can’t.

Twatonapogostick · 04/01/2019 18:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:39

I think my Dad will likely ignore without having to be asked. He really really actively hates her, that's a big word but it's true.

My mother is one that likes to try and 'make peace' and she's said in the past that she would speak to him if he would let her. I really don't want her to attempt conversation, and I will say as much to her.

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Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 04/01/2019 18:43

Your DM may want to make peace, but she isn’t the injured party. I agree with the poster who suggested a designated minder. Sounds like your DM is going to need more managing than your DF.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:44

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas oh yes I am well aware of that. I feel for him, really I do. I did everything possible to look out and care for him whilst it was all going on and since as well. I love my Dad to death and I hate the thought of him being sad but don't know what the answer is as I can't not invite my mum. She did some awful things but she's still my mum and I couldn't enjoy my day without her there.

I do believe that both of them would rather be there than not come. They've been nothing but happy and over the moon for me since we've been engaged and they obviously know that the other is likely to be there.

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Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:46

I'm divorced and I wouldn't dream of attending my DC weddings. I am terrified of their father and would rather not see them get married than have to face him

I'm sorry, it sounds like you've been through something terrible with your exH. However, I don't think either of them are scared of the other. It wasn't a violence or anger problem that broke them up.

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charliefarli · 04/01/2019 18:55

This is very similar to me at my wedding. We had a fairly traditional wedding. I spoke to both of them (separately) of course, before the wedding. Read them the riot act of necessary. We didn’t have a top table and they sat separately in the church. We didn’t have big family photos either. Communication with them both is key. Let them know what is expected. Also worth making sure you spend some time with both of them (again separately) on the big day so neither feels neglected.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 18:56

If I have to designate minders it's 100% going to be both of my Nan's. They still get on and I'm very close to both. They knocked their heads together a few times whilst it was all going on over things involving me and I'm sure they'd do it again if they caused a scene.

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