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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about wedding with divorced parents

47 replies

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 17:45

My parents divorced around 8/9 years ago. It was a horrible, horrible split, there were multiple affairs on my mother's part and my dad was left completely humiliated and heartbroken. I could cry still thinking about him back then.

Me and my mum went through a rocky stage at first as I was very angry at the way she treated my father and as I was in my teens at the time I didn't really understand what was going on. However, after some help we managed to regain our relationship (which my Dad has never discouraged by the way).

Fast forward to now... I am getting married and I am so nervous at having them both in the same room / close vicinity of each other that it's putting a dampner on my excitement for the day.

They have never spoken since they divorced as I was old enough for them not to need to other than one time very recently where they bumped into each other whilst out and were.. let's just say not very nice to each other (going on 8 years later!).

I don't even know what my AIBU is! Has anyone else had very non- amicable divorced parents at their wedding and how did it go?!

OP posts:

Justkeeprollingalong · 04/01/2019 19:00

The Nans will save the day!

Whereisthegin1978 · 04/01/2019 19:00

My sister. Our parents ignored each other - were sat opposite ends from each other at the table, didn’t have traditional bride/groom seating in the church. My dad didn’t have any family there so they asked some of their friends to watch out for him / include him. It worked!

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 19:09

Whereisthegin1978 luckily there are quite a few auntie's/uncle's on both sides so both will have people to sit with.

Yes, Nan's to the rescue! I love them both they are awesome and I'm fairly certain both my mum and dad are still a bit scared of their own Mum's who probably wouldn't hesitate to give them a clip round the ear even at their age.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 04/01/2019 19:11

It's possible. Echoing other suggestions of a chat before hand (separately for the love of god) and be firm. They are to stay away from each other as much as possible and be civil at times where they have to talk to eachother.

Nans looking out is a great idea, but they have to be ready to tell them to leave and mum and dad need to realise they will be (quietly) asked to leave if they start a scene.

At my wedding my DH and I sat on a regular table with our friends and each parent had their own table with friends&family.

MyThirdEye · 04/01/2019 19:12

My parents had an awful divorce. My dad's behaviour was the worst at the time. They both came to see my band play about three years later, they each came with their new partners and stayed at opposite sides of the venue, but my mum still got horrendously drunk and abusive towards me and showed me up in front of a lot of people.

I was very Wedding/marriage averse when I was younger because of my parents. Eventually I admitted that I wanted to marry DH so we eloped. We also renewed our vows for our ten year wedding anniversary last year and we did that with just our children.

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 04/01/2019 19:16

I could have written this post...as soon as we got engaged I offered to have an engagement party so my dad could at least "see" my mum, this made him very upset & he said it was unnecessary.

I had a few weeks of worrying about how it would go, how they'd be etc however just realised that they are adults & would just have to get on with it. I was able to adopt that attitude as we are s "no drama" type of family so I knew there wouldn't be any direct confrontation.

I kept everyone aware of the plans, everyone came to the rehearsal at the church the day before & my parents actually had a hug & spoke. My dad later said that he realised he had harboured a lot of anger towards my mum & after 10 years it was time to let go.

For the wedding breakfast we didn't have a top table & instead each parent hosted their own table. This worked fantastically well & I loved being with my best friends!

My parents don't communicate, my father avoids parties for my children & I know it's because he doesn't want to see my mum. I wish it wasn't like that but that's his choice & no good will come from me worrying about it.

Good luck!

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 04/01/2019 19:19

I should also add that they interacted minimally through the day itself, so it wasn't like they became or pretended to be best pals or anything. They were just civil & it honestly worked x

LittleCandle · 04/01/2019 19:21

I am divorced and if it came about that he was going to one of our DC's wedding (DD2 is NC with him) I would be civil. I possibly would also be looking for a way to poison him without anyone noticing, but I would be civil. I would also be as far away from him as possible at all times and quietly singing to myself 'he's a wanker'. I would hope that no matter how acrimonious the divorce, your parents could put it aside for one day, but having been a church organist for years, I know that this is often not the case at weddings or funerals.

Haggisfish · 04/01/2019 19:23

Haven’t read all other replies but I was in very similar position. I had several close friends who knew about it and were assigned to stick with one or other parent and to ‘remove’ them if necessary. Both parents were allowed to bring a few friends to help them feel better. It all went fine in the end.

Haggisfish · 04/01/2019 19:26

I did speak to both parents beforehand and made my and dh’s Expectations clear-no fighting or bitching and also made it clear they would be asked to leave if they did.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 19:26

Thanks. My dad's best friend (my God father) is invited so hoping he will stick with him and his sisters/brother. I may suggest a plus one for him as well in case he is with someone at the time (he never tells me when he's dating!).

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 04/01/2019 19:30

Well, I might only do that if it was clear the plus one wouldn’t necessarily be in any family photos!

HPandBaconSandwiches · 04/01/2019 19:59

No top table.
Minder.
Insist beforehand on good behaviour.
Request no alcohol. (Promises of good behaviour are easily forgotten when alcohol kicks in)
Plus 1 for both but let the other know who’s coming.

My parents are divorced and can’t speak to one another. Can barely look at each other.
My brothers did the above and it went off ok. I couldn’t put up with that shit so got married on a beach with just my wonderful late MIL. Wonderful day and no regrets.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 21:00

Thanks, I'll definitely talk to them.

As I say, I really do believe that they would rather be there than not and they have seemed very interested in the wedding plans so far.

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tillytrotter1 · 04/01/2019 21:06

Designate a family member to keep them apart on the day if they really can't be trusted. I certainly wouldn't change the style of wedding you want because of them, especially your mother.

Rosti1981 · 04/01/2019 21:15

This was my situation 10 years ago, though parents had divorced longer ago than yours. We nearly had v quiet private wedding with close friends only, but decided at the last minute to open it up. I won't lie, it was hard and my now DH's attempts to mitigate the situation beforehand fell flat. My dad thought he'd try talking to my mum beforehand, my mum chucked a glass at him, my dad was surprised, my now DH was surprised, I felt slightly vindicated that it had been as messy as I'd always said (and no one had believed me).
Wedding itself was ok. I made two mistakes though.... 1. I hadn't briefed the wedding photographer before and there is really awkward photo of me, DH and our parents. Horrid. 2. I had given my dad a more major role in the wedding than my mum/stepdad. He had suit and walked me up the aisle, my mum/stepdad just had buttonholes. I'd asked my dad to do a speech, during which I could hear my mum/stepfather making nasty remarks (and so could other guests). It was excruciating and I really wish I'd thought through those more "formal" roles.

Good luck.... I really feel for you as I tied myself in knots about this for ages and got very upset, lots of my friends and my now DH didn't believe how awful it might be, then parts of it were really difficult for me and I wished I had followed my gut instinct rather than assuming that parents really would be capable of getting through the day without any snarky/difficult moments....

Good luck!

Mousewithascarf · 04/01/2019 21:15

I got through DDs wedding with the help of Valium and alcohol. I can’t bear to think of what ex H did to me and my family. Part of me was hurt he was even invited, part of me angry and scared and the rest of me numb with drugs and drink (I hate alcohol and never drink ). What should have been a beautiful day was something to be got through for the sake of DD. I was permanently looking around to make sure I wasn’t near him. I was so relieved when it was over. As things turned out DD began to cut him out of her life as she realised she’d had enough too.

Santaclarita · 04/01/2019 21:40

I would sit them both down individually and explain to them that you don't want the day ruined by them causing a scene, and if they do try to cause a scene, they will be removed from the premises immediately and not allowed back. I'd have people on standby (bridesmaids and groomsmen) to do that.

They can act like adults for once, not like children. It's not your fault it happened and they shouldn't ruin your day just because they hate each other.

lljkk · 04/01/2019 21:50

how did it go... er.... my mom got drunk for days beforehand but managed to sober up on the day. My dad was a star & very helpful. It's possible that my parents actually managed a dance together. My dad's family was civil to my mom in spite of her rantings. My mom's family had a good time.

MarchInHappiness · 04/01/2019 22:06

Both myself and DH parent's were divorced (neither amicable)and then remarried, all through the course of our upbringing.

It went okay, my parents had an argument at the photos because at the last minuet my mum refused to be in some of the photos and my father was less than impressed, but thankfully my sister told them to cool it and told them to fake the smiles. They then had another argument towards the end of the reception outside but never made a scene and most people were quite pissed.

In laws were fairly well behaved other than FIL made a few passive aggressive cracks to MIL in the speeches but other than that they were fine.

There was no top table (I imagine they would refuse to sit next to each other if I did have one though) and no one walked me down the aisle, which is a shame but it would cause too much agro.

Queenofyeets · 04/01/2019 22:11

I did no top table. Tables for their side of the family at opposite ends. They sat pews apart. Photos i had them at either end of the group. They behaved.

Original poster

WeddingWorrier · 04/01/2019 22:21

Thank you, it's made me feel better knowing some of you have been there and gotten through it!

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